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cap_ironman2013-01-11 09:39 am
muccamukk) wrote in cap_ironman2013-01-11 09:39 am
Entry tags:
A Gift of Fic for Memory Dragon!
Title: Sleepless in New York
Recipient: Memory Dragon
Author: Kiriana16
Universe: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes
Rating: PG
Warnings: Allusions to the past torture
A/N: Happy New Year! I wasn't actually sure if this was something your prompt asked for, but after 3k it was hard to turn back. I hope you like it, my dear <3 I used the entirety of your prompt as a summary, because I think it pretty much sums the fic perfectly.
Summary: Tony is a failed leader. Cap was held captive and had his face used to support the enemy. Neither of them can sleep, and end up in the mansion library.
It was hard to fall asleep after everything that happened. Steve kept waking up after short naps, expecting to be still in the holding cell on the Skrull ship, knowing that somewhere on his planet an impostor was tainting his name, making the American people believe in slavery to the other race. He closed his eyes and he saw his people on their knees, somewhere they’ve never belonged, his friends, his family fallen. He knew there would be nothing short of death that would stop his fellow Avengers from fighting the Skrull invasion, it made him feel lighter, as if he wasn’t in all this alone. It also made his heart clench in fear, because they were all he had left anymore and he couldn’t stand the thought of losing any one of them.
Eventually Steve gave up on sleep, deciding he’d be better off doing anything else but let his thoughts drift. He couldn’t decide between going to the gym or to the kitchen for a snack when he noticed light under the library’s door. Steve didn’t really want to intrude on whoever was inside, but after the dreams he had, it was just an instinct to open the door and check if everything was alright.
Tony was sitting in one of the armchairs in front of the fireplace, his favorite ruby robe falling slightly open over his collarbone. He didn’t seem to be doing anything, besides holding the full glass of whisky, ice almost melted, and staring in the flames as if he was really seeing something there. He looked troubled and that was what prompted Steve to push the door open more and step inside the room. He and Tony were friends, but the man never failed to make Steve feel a little out of balance. He wasn’t sure that would be the best for him right then, but he was never one to abandon a friend in need.
“Tony?” Steve enquired quietly, still standing near the door, unsure of his welcome. He wanted to come in and see if he could help with whatever was bothering their leader, but he would never encroach upon the private moment uninvited.
Tony startled and almost dropped his glass, the golden liquid inside splashing above the edge. The man made a face at the watered down alcohol and put it to the side, turning his attention to the door. It was a strange feeling, having the focus of the man that usually could split his attention between five things at time and still have an intelligent conversation.
“It’s you.” Tony said after a minute of silence, not quite relaxing into his chair. He still carried some tension in his shoulders, something like distrust lurking into his eyes. Steve tried not to feel hurt by it, but couldn’t exactly stop the feeling from rising. Tony had perfectly legitimate reasons to be unsure of who he was talking to after all they went through recently. After his impostor lived among the Avengers unnoticed for so many months.
It still left a bitter taste in Steve’s mouth, the fact that no one had noticed it wasn’t really him. No one ever suspected, and he knew he should blame the excellent technology the Skrulls had, but still. He wondered if Bucky would have known, if he would have noticed something amiss. If he was honest with himself, Steve doubted it really, it was an almost perfect impersonation, created in a way that would let no one see through it.
Steve finally realized that Tony was staring at him patiently, probably expecting an explanation of why he was wandering the mansion in the dead of the night like some sort of phantom. He stepped further into the room and leant over the back of the armchair opposite the other man.
“I couldn’t sleep.” Steve said. “Figured I might as well take a stroll around, saw the light. Are you alright?” He wouldn’t normally ask, they didn’t have a habit of talking about their personal affairs much. But it felt right to do so now, when Tony looked almost vulnerable in the light of the fire, and Steve could use someone else’s nightmares to keep him company. He was tired of his own.
“Ah. I think I can understand.” Tony said and gestured for Steve to sit, getting up briefly to fetch them both glasses of some type of whisky. It seemed Tony preferred golden alcohol in the dead of the night, unlike his usual wines. Steve wondered if it had any significance or was it just preference. Maybe it was some future mannerism that he missed out on learning yet.
Steve accepted his glass and put it on the table to the side. He learnt that if he refused the drink that would be great offense, but he didn’t necessarily have to drink it. It was weird, but so were many other things that this new century showed him and he stopped questioning anything many months ago. It was much healthier for his sanity.
They sat in companionable silence for a while before Tony got tired of it and started rambling on about something that was happening at his company that would make everyone’s lives better. Steve listened to him, most of the babble not making any sense to him, but the sheer rumble of the other man’s voice a comfort he didn’t know he needed.
When he was on the ship the only voices he heard for so long were the voices of Skrull leaders and scientists, sometimes guards although they weren’t the most talkative. He didn’t realize how much he missed the simple timbre of a familiar human voice. It made him relax and before he realized he was getting tired, his eyelids were dropping, the warmth of the fire and Tony’s voice combined making him melt into the stuffy chair.
Before he drifted off completely, he could have sworn the tone of Tony’s babble changed somehow, it became fonder. The other man’s presence came closer and there was a blanket settling over Steve’s shoulders. He wanted to thank his friend, but he couldn’t find strong enough motivation to open his mouth, so instead he hummed happily and felt more than he saw Tony settling back into his chair.
~*~
Another night and Steve woke up with a scream caged in his throat, the feeling of steel claws tearing at his skin still fresh in his mind. He had half a mind to check his chest, just in case, but he knew that nothing would be there, no matter what his feverish mind was trying to tell him so he refrained. No one really knew what happened to the prisoners on the Skrull ship beside the ones that were there, and they were not speaking. Steve wasn’t sure he had anyone to talk to.
But then he remembered Tony, sitting alone in the darkened library, plagued by his own demons. They spent few nights already, just sitting with each other and keeping the nightmares at bay. Sometimes they talked, about the team, about strategy or training, about the changes that New York went through since Steve’s time. Tony occasionally told him about the changes he would like to see to the city, to the country. Most of them, Steve could get behind, some not so much. He wasn’t about to tell Tony that though, not wanting to shatter that camaraderie they had, although he suspected the other man was quite aware of the fact.
Just thinking about the peace of these nights relaxed the tension in his shoulders and without thinking he slipped out of bed and his feet took him to the room. The fire was blazing today and Tony was sitting, curled more like, in his armchair. Instead of alcohol he was holding something steaming and smelling strongly of cinnamon. He looked haunted and Steve could feel his own face drawing into a frown. He didn’t like it when one of his friends was upset and he and Tony had become close enough lately for it to bother him even more.
“Mind if I join you?” He said, his face smoothing into more neutral expression. One thing Tony would never accept was any pity.
Tony startled and almost spilled what looked like hot chocolate all over his front before he regained his equilibrium and straightened a little in his chair. He looked warily to the door and gave Steve a suspicious glance before relaxing, even if only slightly. Steve knew that it would take time for any of them to trust their allies again, the Invasion severing the bonds they’d built so carefully, but it never failed to hurt him to see the distrust in the eyes of his friends.
“Yeah, sure, come in. Want something to drink?” Tony answered and turned back to the fire, assuming his more dignified position. Steve had a pang of guilt of walking into the man’s sanctuary and pulling him out of his reverie, forcing him to put his social front again. But he needed someone to talk to, and Tony himself looked like the loneliness wasn’t very good for him.
Steve shook his head and laid down on the couch nearby Tony, pulling a blanket over himself. In theory, he wasn’t supposed to be as susceptible to cold as others, the serum making his body temperature higher than average, but in truth he wasn’t really warm since he woke up in the new century. Might have something to do with the ice. The space that starred in his newest nightmares wasn’t helping any.
They both sat in silence for what felt to Steve like hours before his eyes began stinging with exhaustion. He wasn’t going to sleep though, wasn’t going back into the embrace of Skrull scientists and Interrogator. Tony started talking about the most recent upgrades to the Quinjet and Steve let himself be pulled into schematics of technology he didn’t understand, the terms and words flying over his head but the tone of the engineer’s voice soothing him enough to pull the tension fully out of his shoulders.
“I dream about the ship.” Escaped his mouth at one point, his eyes blurred from keeping them forcefully open for so long. Tony snapped his mouth shut and turned to him with unreadable expression. Steve didn’t even know why he started the subject. He supposed he just needed someone to share his nightmares with. He hoped it might lessen them.
Tony was probably the only person Steve trusted enough to appoint his confidante.
“Ship?” Tony parroted him slowly, turning in his seat and tucking his feet under his thigh. Steve found it oddly endearing how he curled like a cat while shifting his attention from ether to something more tangible. He heard people say that full focus of Tony Stark is a distressing thing, but he couldn’t agree. The only thing he felt now was warmth.
“The ship they held us on.” Steve explained and rubbed his knuckles under his eye. He really was exhausted. “Right behind Saturn. I thought I was having a heart attack when I saw it from the window.” He chuckled humorlessly and Tony cracked a small smile at him.
“I suppose you all had to be pretty far away for the S.W.O.R.D not to detect you.” Tony said, playing with his half empty cup. It was probably present more for something to hold and not for the want of anything warm to drink. “Is this what you dream about? Space?” The questions were careful, but straightforward and Steve could appreciate it. He didn’t know if he could handle hesitance right now.
“Sometimes.” He answered. He thought for a moment about whether he really wanted to tell Tony more, but if not him then who? “More often I dream of my cell.”
“So your cell didn’t have windows then.” Tony said, trying for aloof tone and Steve tried a smile, turning his face fully to the other man.
“No. It was a small metal block that contained only me and force-cuffs strong enough to hold me when it was time for daily torture.” Tony only stared at him in apparent surprise so he averted his eyes and tried for a little levity, not really sure if he hit the mark. “Of course it didn’t have to be daily, I could hardly know the passage of time from the windowless room in space. Maybe behind Saturn time flowed differently?”
“It does, but not for humans.” Tony answered his question, looking at him more searchingly than he did before. It should unnerve Steve, but it only made him warmer. It was nice to have someone really look at him after all these lonely days.
“Their goal was to find out how to break us, you know?” Steve said again, his voice more slurred than he would like it to be. He wasn’t going to go to sleep. “They finally decided that physical torture would do nothing, but let me tell you that it wasn’t a walk in the park. I might have more pain tolerance thanks to the serum, but I’m not immune to it.” His voice was bitter and he didn’t even realize it, shutting his mouth almost immediately after the statement.
Tony was closer now to his surprise, sitting on the floor and leaning on the armrest of his couch, his shoulder only lightly brushing over Steve’s fingers. It was nice, even though the fact he didn’t even notice the other man moving was worrying.
“You don’t have to tell me this.” Tony said, his voice much quieter than his usual confident tone. Steve tightened his lips and shrugged under his blanket. That was true, but he wanted to tell someone. Tony looked like a good enough candidate.
“You know what they chose to break humans with.” Steve gritted from behind his teeth, his hand clenching into a fist. The thought of those aliens using his face to subjugate his fellow humans was still appalling, something that broke everything Steve believed in. The backlash from it wasn’t easy to handle either, no matter what front he tried to put up for others.
“I know.” Tony answered quietly and put his hand on Steve’s fist. Steve let the anger and helplessness go and reminded himself that he was back home, with people who cared about him, and the only thing he could do now was wait until everything was better. The touch grounded him and helped him keep the focus on these thoughts.
They sat there like that for some time before Steve relaxed enough to realize that Tony was breathing deeply next to him, his eyes closed. It seemed he wasn’t the only one who needed grounding to be able to fall asleep.
~*~
They established a routine. Every night, Steve would head down to the library without even attempting sleep in his own bed and curl on the couch. Tony would be sprawled comfortably on the armchair, which was suspiciously brought close enough to Steve that they could touch each other if they wanted to. Sometimes they did, the touch of another person was reassuring, something they both apparently yearned for during the time of Invasion.
Steve was the one who talked about his nightmares. Tony didn’t offer any empty comfort, instead choosing silence and his attention as something to give. Steve was happier with that than he expected to. He only hoped that when the time came the other man would choose to reveal his own demons. He would be able to provide what was needed also.
“How can you trust me this much?” Tony said, interrupting Steve’s tale of their escape and how afraid he was that he would have to be the one left behind on the enemy’s territory, the only one for them to take their rage out on. It’s the first time since they started that he has spoken of anything other than mundane things or asked questions about whatever Steve was talking about.
“I’d think that after everything I would be the one asking that question.” Steve answered in a quiet whisper after a thoughtful pause. “It was my face that was used to lie to so many people, including you.”
Tony snorted and curled tighter into himself, staring broodingly in the flames in the fireplace. It was getting too warm for it, but it was part of the ritual, and they didn’t want to change anything about it. Steve decided to just stay silent this time, wait Tony out. He finally had a chance to pay the man back for all the nights when he was listened to, when he didn’t have to worry about someone looking at him sideways, searching for any signs that he wasn’t who he said he was.
“I just mean-“ Tony started eventually and made frustrated noise, his long fingers pushing through his hair, making it more of a mess than Steve had ever saw it before. There was another pregnant pause, the words seemingly just wanting to escape Tony’s lips. “I didn’t recognize you.” Tony settled on at last.
“I’m not sure I know what you mean.” Steve said cautiously, leaning up and sitting. He wanted to have a better view of the other man, catalogue every little detail of his mannerism. It was partly precaution, should anything like Skrulls ever happen again, and partly… Well, Tony was a handsome man, it was pleasant to look at him.
“I mean,” Tony said, putting his glass of blackberry tea to the side and turning to face Steve more fully. “I didn’t recognize it. I thought it was you, I thought it was you for months. You’re sitting here trusting me with your innermost fears and I not only failed you as a friend, but you can never be sure again that you’re actually talking to me. How can you- How can you stand it?” The stream of words was rushed, bitten off and almost spat out in the space between them.
Steve could understand the frustration, the pain present in Tony’s voice and he leaned over and took Tony’s hands in his own. He squeezed the thin fingers, making the man look at him and put on his best Captain America face. The last time he wore it he wasn’t even himself, but this was not a time to dwell about it again.
“The Skrulls had the perfect technology, Tony.” He started and squeezed Tony’s fingers again when the man opened his mouth to speak. “They were years ahead of even you when it comes to technology.” Steve continued and hesitated before bringing the next part up. “You didn’t know me for as long as Fury and Clint knew Bobby, and yet no one suspected the woman wearing her face wasn’t her at all. You can’t blame yourself.”
“Yeah?” Tony’s tone was challenging and his eyes were sparkling with the kind of impotent rage that comes from knowing you can’t fix something no matter how hard you try. Steve was used to seeing it in the mirror lately and it was comforting to know that he wasn’t alone in this either. Tony wasn’t moving his hand though, gripping Steve’s fingers back by now, so the anger wasn’t aimed at Steve. “Then how about the fact that you can’t even know who you’re talking to right now? I could be a Skrull and you wouldn’t know it. I have technology to reveal the creatures, but what if someone took it over and made it useless. What then?”
“Then,” Steve answered, trying to keep his voice calm and even, “we wouldn’t know.” Tony’s eyes flashed and he looked like he was going to pull back, so Steve tightened his grip on the man’s hands. “But I don’t think a Skrull or any other shapeshifter would try to question my trust in them.” He made sure Tony was looking at him before saying the last part. “I choose to trust you, Tony, that you are my friend, because you’ve given me the same courtesy. If we keep questioning each other, there will be nowhere for us to go.”
Tony was looking for him in stony silence for a long moment, before his lips curled into a smirk and he grinned at Steve.
“So we’re friends now?” Tony asked, with the air of someone whose burden has been at least partially lifted and Steve laughed lowly, not seeing much humor in the remark, but glad that Tony was feeling well enough to tease. He pulled the other man into a loose embrace, so relieved that he didn’t even wonder if it was appropriate.
“Yeah, Tony, of course we are.” Steve answered and pretended he couldn’t feel Tony clutching at him a little bit harder than the simple hug asked for.
~*~
It was another day of working on the streets of New York while being ostracized and sneered upon by the very people he tried to protect. Steve was at the end of his rope. He was so tired of trying to redeem himself when he didn’t do anything wrong. He couldn’t help being kidnapped and replaced by an alien. He couldn’t help that none of his friends recognized that it wasn’t him, that there was some impostor taking his place.
He didn’t lie to Tony that one night, he didn’t blame any of them. Logically he knew that it was close to impossible to spot even a little difference between the Skrulls and the humans they were impersonating. But in the moments of weakness like this, when he was shaking with the unfairness of it all, with the want to just go back out there and yell at people to stop hating him, logic was far from his mind. Captain America was always all about the people he was protecting, and now these very people would rather see him dead than anywhere near them.
The night was falling and none of his teammates could get themselves to look at him while they were coming back to the mansion. They weren’t obvious about it, but since they piled into the car no one met his eyes, not even when asking him a direct question. It made his jaw clench and his entire spine stiffen, because these were the people he was supposed to trust with his life and now they couldn’t even look at him. He should have taken a shower and then gone to bed, nothing else, but the moment they stopped in the garage, he found himself stomping to the library, pacing the embroidered rug and running his gloved fingers through his hair.
It wasn’t a surprise when short time after Tony walked in, heading straight for his armchair. Halfway there he hesitated and sat on Steve’s couch instead, stapling his fingers between his knees and watching Steve pacing, like he was some sort of a wild animal to be observed.
“How could you not know that it was me?!” Steve finally screamed, his grasp on his emotions snapping. He knew Tony of all people was the least to blame, but he was there and Steve needed to work out these emotions or he would explode from them. “How could you not know that an alien was working alongside you, fighting alongside you?! How could you not notice that it wasn’t me?” The last sentence was asked more plaintively than angry and he collapsed next to the other man, hanging his head and putting his hands on the back of his neck, trying to will the sting from his eyes away. If they had only noticed, if they knew, weeks of torture would be cut short, the people of America wouldn’t question his every move now. He wouldn’t be hated.
“I’m sorry.” Tony said softly, laying a hand on his shoulder. “We should have and I’m sorry we failed you. That I failed you.”
Steve wanted to protest, he wanted to tell Tony again that they couldn’t have known, that the deception was perfect. The Skrull even had his memories, everything he was besides his very essence and there was no tangible way of recognizing him. But he didn’t feel like placating other people. They should have known. The Skrull was him, but at the same it wasn’t, its decisions could be questioned constantly. But they weren’t, because everyone trusted in Captain America blindly.
At least they used to. Not that Steve missed it all that much. It was good that he was questioned now, that his orders in the field were considered carefully before acted out, but… But it should have happened sooner. It should have happened to that impostor instead of him getting the backlash about it and now he couldn’t do anything about it and he had no one else to blame but his teammates. They were supposed to support him and they failed him.
Tony’s hand tightened on his shoulder, as if he could hear Steve’s thoughts and he shrugged it off angrily, wanting nothing to do with the man right now. But the hand returned and before Steve could return the gesture it was used to pull him into the other man’s arms. He wanted to push Tony away, to shove him off his couch and scream at him that they all failed him indeed.
Instead he found his hands clutching at the delicate silk of Tony’s shirt, his forehead pressing into the engineer’s neck, his eyes tightly shut. He wouldn’t cry, he never had and he wasn’t about to start now. But this was nice, the comfort that the embrace offered, unquestioning and unreserved, there for him for however long he needed it. They might have failed him, but at least one of them tried to build their bond back together. And that was more than Steve should have asked for after how the trust in him was torn to pieces.
~*~
Steve was dozing off on his couch, blanket thrown over his shoulders. The fire was long dead by now and he and Tony had exhausted any topic they could think of today already. He thought that if he fell asleep now he wouldn’t have nightmares. This room, this space was his safe place, it was like a magical ring that the demons couldn’t enter. He snorted silently to himself and let his eyes slip shut. It was clearly time to go to sleep.
Tony was sitting in his armchair like always, drinking scotch for a change. He didn’t drink alcohol very often during their nights, but he seemed to be determined to get drunk today. Steve didn’t mind, as long as he was safe and didn’t go overboard, Tony could do anything he wanted.
The soft sound of knees falling on the carpet near him startled him slightly, but he didn’t open his eyes. He hadn’t heard anyone coming in so it must have been Tony. His suspicions were confirmed when the weight settled on the edge of the couch, making it dip a little. There was a foul smelling breath right in his face, but Steve still didn’t move. It was pretty clear there was something Tony needed to do, whatever it was, and he wasn’t going to spook the man.
“I did fail you.” Tony spoke finally in the ragged whisper and Steve flinched inwardly. He didn’t have an idea that Tony really took this so badly. He should have known better. “Not only you. I failed all of Avengers. All of New York.” The chuckle that followed was bitter and tired, ending on a hiccupping sob and Steve clenched his fist under the blanket.
He thought these little meetings were helping not only him, but it seemed he was wrong. His best friend was falling apart before him and he couldn’t even do anything, because as soon as Tony noticed Steve wasn’t asleep yet, he would withdraw again.
“I left them. Fury told me there was a Skrull hiding on the team and instead of staying and keeping the distrust at bay I left and let them drift apart, the suspicions and fear making them enemies instead of allies.” Tony was definitely crying now, even if the only indication of that were the tiny hitches in his breath. Steve ached to be able to move, but he wanted to hear everything before he intervened, lest they never talk about this again.
“I’m no leader.” Tony choked out and laughed bitter and quiet after. “No, wait, I am. I’m just a failure of one. I don’t understand how you could all trust me to lead you again. You could be so much better.” The sentences were getting steadily quieter and Steve was almost sure that soon Tony’s voice would just quit on him. “She actually thanked me. The Queen. She said they couldn’t have done it without me.”
Tony didn’t saying anything for a long time, the couch where he was leaning on it shaking with his sobs. Steve was on the verge of finally making a move when the last, quiet sentence came out from Tony, his voice more of a wounded croak than his usual deep tone.
“I’m so sorry, Steve.”
Steve didn’t need any more prompting. He moved in a flash, not letting Tony move away and pulled the man on the couch next to him, closing his arms tight around the other man. Tony struggled for a moment, trying to push himself away, but Steve held tight and eventually he settled down, returning the embrace. They spent the night like this, crammed onto a couch that was way too small for them both, Steve pretending that the wet patches randomly appeared on his clothes sometimes.
~*~
Steve thought back on that moment later and thought that it might have been the breaking point, the moment when they just stopped pretending they didn’t need each other as much as they did. Somehow between the late nights filled with insomnia they became each other’s grounding stones. From then on, they curled on the couch together right from the start of the night, Tony talking to him more, but not touching the alcohol anymore.
It was nice, it was comfortable, it was something that Steve had missed since he’d woken up in this new century. Before, in the war, he had his unit , but he also had Bucky and Peggy, two people who he didn’t mind seeing him weak and human. He was neither their commander, nor their captain, he was just Steve, who wasn’t perfect and was allowed to feel fear. And now he had Tony who thought of him in the same way, and he was pretty sure Tony had him, even if the man was reluctant sometimes to admit it. It kept him from going insane when the hateful glances became too much.
The first time Tony kissed him after one of their long talks came as a surprise. Steve still wasn’t used to how people of the 21st century could be so free with their affections, but he knew this wasn’t the same. This was Tony, and Tony was kissing him. Maybe he could actually work that new part in their routine, he thought, leaning in to recapture Tony’s lips.
Recipient: Memory Dragon
Author: Kiriana16
Universe: Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes
Rating: PG
Warnings: Allusions to the past torture
A/N: Happy New Year! I wasn't actually sure if this was something your prompt asked for, but after 3k it was hard to turn back. I hope you like it, my dear <3 I used the entirety of your prompt as a summary, because I think it pretty much sums the fic perfectly.
Summary: Tony is a failed leader. Cap was held captive and had his face used to support the enemy. Neither of them can sleep, and end up in the mansion library.
It was hard to fall asleep after everything that happened. Steve kept waking up after short naps, expecting to be still in the holding cell on the Skrull ship, knowing that somewhere on his planet an impostor was tainting his name, making the American people believe in slavery to the other race. He closed his eyes and he saw his people on their knees, somewhere they’ve never belonged, his friends, his family fallen. He knew there would be nothing short of death that would stop his fellow Avengers from fighting the Skrull invasion, it made him feel lighter, as if he wasn’t in all this alone. It also made his heart clench in fear, because they were all he had left anymore and he couldn’t stand the thought of losing any one of them.
Eventually Steve gave up on sleep, deciding he’d be better off doing anything else but let his thoughts drift. He couldn’t decide between going to the gym or to the kitchen for a snack when he noticed light under the library’s door. Steve didn’t really want to intrude on whoever was inside, but after the dreams he had, it was just an instinct to open the door and check if everything was alright.
Tony was sitting in one of the armchairs in front of the fireplace, his favorite ruby robe falling slightly open over his collarbone. He didn’t seem to be doing anything, besides holding the full glass of whisky, ice almost melted, and staring in the flames as if he was really seeing something there. He looked troubled and that was what prompted Steve to push the door open more and step inside the room. He and Tony were friends, but the man never failed to make Steve feel a little out of balance. He wasn’t sure that would be the best for him right then, but he was never one to abandon a friend in need.
“Tony?” Steve enquired quietly, still standing near the door, unsure of his welcome. He wanted to come in and see if he could help with whatever was bothering their leader, but he would never encroach upon the private moment uninvited.
Tony startled and almost dropped his glass, the golden liquid inside splashing above the edge. The man made a face at the watered down alcohol and put it to the side, turning his attention to the door. It was a strange feeling, having the focus of the man that usually could split his attention between five things at time and still have an intelligent conversation.
“It’s you.” Tony said after a minute of silence, not quite relaxing into his chair. He still carried some tension in his shoulders, something like distrust lurking into his eyes. Steve tried not to feel hurt by it, but couldn’t exactly stop the feeling from rising. Tony had perfectly legitimate reasons to be unsure of who he was talking to after all they went through recently. After his impostor lived among the Avengers unnoticed for so many months.
It still left a bitter taste in Steve’s mouth, the fact that no one had noticed it wasn’t really him. No one ever suspected, and he knew he should blame the excellent technology the Skrulls had, but still. He wondered if Bucky would have known, if he would have noticed something amiss. If he was honest with himself, Steve doubted it really, it was an almost perfect impersonation, created in a way that would let no one see through it.
Steve finally realized that Tony was staring at him patiently, probably expecting an explanation of why he was wandering the mansion in the dead of the night like some sort of phantom. He stepped further into the room and leant over the back of the armchair opposite the other man.
“I couldn’t sleep.” Steve said. “Figured I might as well take a stroll around, saw the light. Are you alright?” He wouldn’t normally ask, they didn’t have a habit of talking about their personal affairs much. But it felt right to do so now, when Tony looked almost vulnerable in the light of the fire, and Steve could use someone else’s nightmares to keep him company. He was tired of his own.
“Ah. I think I can understand.” Tony said and gestured for Steve to sit, getting up briefly to fetch them both glasses of some type of whisky. It seemed Tony preferred golden alcohol in the dead of the night, unlike his usual wines. Steve wondered if it had any significance or was it just preference. Maybe it was some future mannerism that he missed out on learning yet.
Steve accepted his glass and put it on the table to the side. He learnt that if he refused the drink that would be great offense, but he didn’t necessarily have to drink it. It was weird, but so were many other things that this new century showed him and he stopped questioning anything many months ago. It was much healthier for his sanity.
They sat in companionable silence for a while before Tony got tired of it and started rambling on about something that was happening at his company that would make everyone’s lives better. Steve listened to him, most of the babble not making any sense to him, but the sheer rumble of the other man’s voice a comfort he didn’t know he needed.
When he was on the ship the only voices he heard for so long were the voices of Skrull leaders and scientists, sometimes guards although they weren’t the most talkative. He didn’t realize how much he missed the simple timbre of a familiar human voice. It made him relax and before he realized he was getting tired, his eyelids were dropping, the warmth of the fire and Tony’s voice combined making him melt into the stuffy chair.
Before he drifted off completely, he could have sworn the tone of Tony’s babble changed somehow, it became fonder. The other man’s presence came closer and there was a blanket settling over Steve’s shoulders. He wanted to thank his friend, but he couldn’t find strong enough motivation to open his mouth, so instead he hummed happily and felt more than he saw Tony settling back into his chair.
~*~
Another night and Steve woke up with a scream caged in his throat, the feeling of steel claws tearing at his skin still fresh in his mind. He had half a mind to check his chest, just in case, but he knew that nothing would be there, no matter what his feverish mind was trying to tell him so he refrained. No one really knew what happened to the prisoners on the Skrull ship beside the ones that were there, and they were not speaking. Steve wasn’t sure he had anyone to talk to.
But then he remembered Tony, sitting alone in the darkened library, plagued by his own demons. They spent few nights already, just sitting with each other and keeping the nightmares at bay. Sometimes they talked, about the team, about strategy or training, about the changes that New York went through since Steve’s time. Tony occasionally told him about the changes he would like to see to the city, to the country. Most of them, Steve could get behind, some not so much. He wasn’t about to tell Tony that though, not wanting to shatter that camaraderie they had, although he suspected the other man was quite aware of the fact.
Just thinking about the peace of these nights relaxed the tension in his shoulders and without thinking he slipped out of bed and his feet took him to the room. The fire was blazing today and Tony was sitting, curled more like, in his armchair. Instead of alcohol he was holding something steaming and smelling strongly of cinnamon. He looked haunted and Steve could feel his own face drawing into a frown. He didn’t like it when one of his friends was upset and he and Tony had become close enough lately for it to bother him even more.
“Mind if I join you?” He said, his face smoothing into more neutral expression. One thing Tony would never accept was any pity.
Tony startled and almost spilled what looked like hot chocolate all over his front before he regained his equilibrium and straightened a little in his chair. He looked warily to the door and gave Steve a suspicious glance before relaxing, even if only slightly. Steve knew that it would take time for any of them to trust their allies again, the Invasion severing the bonds they’d built so carefully, but it never failed to hurt him to see the distrust in the eyes of his friends.
“Yeah, sure, come in. Want something to drink?” Tony answered and turned back to the fire, assuming his more dignified position. Steve had a pang of guilt of walking into the man’s sanctuary and pulling him out of his reverie, forcing him to put his social front again. But he needed someone to talk to, and Tony himself looked like the loneliness wasn’t very good for him.
Steve shook his head and laid down on the couch nearby Tony, pulling a blanket over himself. In theory, he wasn’t supposed to be as susceptible to cold as others, the serum making his body temperature higher than average, but in truth he wasn’t really warm since he woke up in the new century. Might have something to do with the ice. The space that starred in his newest nightmares wasn’t helping any.
They both sat in silence for what felt to Steve like hours before his eyes began stinging with exhaustion. He wasn’t going to sleep though, wasn’t going back into the embrace of Skrull scientists and Interrogator. Tony started talking about the most recent upgrades to the Quinjet and Steve let himself be pulled into schematics of technology he didn’t understand, the terms and words flying over his head but the tone of the engineer’s voice soothing him enough to pull the tension fully out of his shoulders.
“I dream about the ship.” Escaped his mouth at one point, his eyes blurred from keeping them forcefully open for so long. Tony snapped his mouth shut and turned to him with unreadable expression. Steve didn’t even know why he started the subject. He supposed he just needed someone to share his nightmares with. He hoped it might lessen them.
Tony was probably the only person Steve trusted enough to appoint his confidante.
“Ship?” Tony parroted him slowly, turning in his seat and tucking his feet under his thigh. Steve found it oddly endearing how he curled like a cat while shifting his attention from ether to something more tangible. He heard people say that full focus of Tony Stark is a distressing thing, but he couldn’t agree. The only thing he felt now was warmth.
“The ship they held us on.” Steve explained and rubbed his knuckles under his eye. He really was exhausted. “Right behind Saturn. I thought I was having a heart attack when I saw it from the window.” He chuckled humorlessly and Tony cracked a small smile at him.
“I suppose you all had to be pretty far away for the S.W.O.R.D not to detect you.” Tony said, playing with his half empty cup. It was probably present more for something to hold and not for the want of anything warm to drink. “Is this what you dream about? Space?” The questions were careful, but straightforward and Steve could appreciate it. He didn’t know if he could handle hesitance right now.
“Sometimes.” He answered. He thought for a moment about whether he really wanted to tell Tony more, but if not him then who? “More often I dream of my cell.”
“So your cell didn’t have windows then.” Tony said, trying for aloof tone and Steve tried a smile, turning his face fully to the other man.
“No. It was a small metal block that contained only me and force-cuffs strong enough to hold me when it was time for daily torture.” Tony only stared at him in apparent surprise so he averted his eyes and tried for a little levity, not really sure if he hit the mark. “Of course it didn’t have to be daily, I could hardly know the passage of time from the windowless room in space. Maybe behind Saturn time flowed differently?”
“It does, but not for humans.” Tony answered his question, looking at him more searchingly than he did before. It should unnerve Steve, but it only made him warmer. It was nice to have someone really look at him after all these lonely days.
“Their goal was to find out how to break us, you know?” Steve said again, his voice more slurred than he would like it to be. He wasn’t going to go to sleep. “They finally decided that physical torture would do nothing, but let me tell you that it wasn’t a walk in the park. I might have more pain tolerance thanks to the serum, but I’m not immune to it.” His voice was bitter and he didn’t even realize it, shutting his mouth almost immediately after the statement.
Tony was closer now to his surprise, sitting on the floor and leaning on the armrest of his couch, his shoulder only lightly brushing over Steve’s fingers. It was nice, even though the fact he didn’t even notice the other man moving was worrying.
“You don’t have to tell me this.” Tony said, his voice much quieter than his usual confident tone. Steve tightened his lips and shrugged under his blanket. That was true, but he wanted to tell someone. Tony looked like a good enough candidate.
“You know what they chose to break humans with.” Steve gritted from behind his teeth, his hand clenching into a fist. The thought of those aliens using his face to subjugate his fellow humans was still appalling, something that broke everything Steve believed in. The backlash from it wasn’t easy to handle either, no matter what front he tried to put up for others.
“I know.” Tony answered quietly and put his hand on Steve’s fist. Steve let the anger and helplessness go and reminded himself that he was back home, with people who cared about him, and the only thing he could do now was wait until everything was better. The touch grounded him and helped him keep the focus on these thoughts.
They sat there like that for some time before Steve relaxed enough to realize that Tony was breathing deeply next to him, his eyes closed. It seemed he wasn’t the only one who needed grounding to be able to fall asleep.
~*~
They established a routine. Every night, Steve would head down to the library without even attempting sleep in his own bed and curl on the couch. Tony would be sprawled comfortably on the armchair, which was suspiciously brought close enough to Steve that they could touch each other if they wanted to. Sometimes they did, the touch of another person was reassuring, something they both apparently yearned for during the time of Invasion.
Steve was the one who talked about his nightmares. Tony didn’t offer any empty comfort, instead choosing silence and his attention as something to give. Steve was happier with that than he expected to. He only hoped that when the time came the other man would choose to reveal his own demons. He would be able to provide what was needed also.
“How can you trust me this much?” Tony said, interrupting Steve’s tale of their escape and how afraid he was that he would have to be the one left behind on the enemy’s territory, the only one for them to take their rage out on. It’s the first time since they started that he has spoken of anything other than mundane things or asked questions about whatever Steve was talking about.
“I’d think that after everything I would be the one asking that question.” Steve answered in a quiet whisper after a thoughtful pause. “It was my face that was used to lie to so many people, including you.”
Tony snorted and curled tighter into himself, staring broodingly in the flames in the fireplace. It was getting too warm for it, but it was part of the ritual, and they didn’t want to change anything about it. Steve decided to just stay silent this time, wait Tony out. He finally had a chance to pay the man back for all the nights when he was listened to, when he didn’t have to worry about someone looking at him sideways, searching for any signs that he wasn’t who he said he was.
“I just mean-“ Tony started eventually and made frustrated noise, his long fingers pushing through his hair, making it more of a mess than Steve had ever saw it before. There was another pregnant pause, the words seemingly just wanting to escape Tony’s lips. “I didn’t recognize you.” Tony settled on at last.
“I’m not sure I know what you mean.” Steve said cautiously, leaning up and sitting. He wanted to have a better view of the other man, catalogue every little detail of his mannerism. It was partly precaution, should anything like Skrulls ever happen again, and partly… Well, Tony was a handsome man, it was pleasant to look at him.
“I mean,” Tony said, putting his glass of blackberry tea to the side and turning to face Steve more fully. “I didn’t recognize it. I thought it was you, I thought it was you for months. You’re sitting here trusting me with your innermost fears and I not only failed you as a friend, but you can never be sure again that you’re actually talking to me. How can you- How can you stand it?” The stream of words was rushed, bitten off and almost spat out in the space between them.
Steve could understand the frustration, the pain present in Tony’s voice and he leaned over and took Tony’s hands in his own. He squeezed the thin fingers, making the man look at him and put on his best Captain America face. The last time he wore it he wasn’t even himself, but this was not a time to dwell about it again.
“The Skrulls had the perfect technology, Tony.” He started and squeezed Tony’s fingers again when the man opened his mouth to speak. “They were years ahead of even you when it comes to technology.” Steve continued and hesitated before bringing the next part up. “You didn’t know me for as long as Fury and Clint knew Bobby, and yet no one suspected the woman wearing her face wasn’t her at all. You can’t blame yourself.”
“Yeah?” Tony’s tone was challenging and his eyes were sparkling with the kind of impotent rage that comes from knowing you can’t fix something no matter how hard you try. Steve was used to seeing it in the mirror lately and it was comforting to know that he wasn’t alone in this either. Tony wasn’t moving his hand though, gripping Steve’s fingers back by now, so the anger wasn’t aimed at Steve. “Then how about the fact that you can’t even know who you’re talking to right now? I could be a Skrull and you wouldn’t know it. I have technology to reveal the creatures, but what if someone took it over and made it useless. What then?”
“Then,” Steve answered, trying to keep his voice calm and even, “we wouldn’t know.” Tony’s eyes flashed and he looked like he was going to pull back, so Steve tightened his grip on the man’s hands. “But I don’t think a Skrull or any other shapeshifter would try to question my trust in them.” He made sure Tony was looking at him before saying the last part. “I choose to trust you, Tony, that you are my friend, because you’ve given me the same courtesy. If we keep questioning each other, there will be nowhere for us to go.”
Tony was looking for him in stony silence for a long moment, before his lips curled into a smirk and he grinned at Steve.
“So we’re friends now?” Tony asked, with the air of someone whose burden has been at least partially lifted and Steve laughed lowly, not seeing much humor in the remark, but glad that Tony was feeling well enough to tease. He pulled the other man into a loose embrace, so relieved that he didn’t even wonder if it was appropriate.
“Yeah, Tony, of course we are.” Steve answered and pretended he couldn’t feel Tony clutching at him a little bit harder than the simple hug asked for.
~*~
It was another day of working on the streets of New York while being ostracized and sneered upon by the very people he tried to protect. Steve was at the end of his rope. He was so tired of trying to redeem himself when he didn’t do anything wrong. He couldn’t help being kidnapped and replaced by an alien. He couldn’t help that none of his friends recognized that it wasn’t him, that there was some impostor taking his place.
He didn’t lie to Tony that one night, he didn’t blame any of them. Logically he knew that it was close to impossible to spot even a little difference between the Skrulls and the humans they were impersonating. But in the moments of weakness like this, when he was shaking with the unfairness of it all, with the want to just go back out there and yell at people to stop hating him, logic was far from his mind. Captain America was always all about the people he was protecting, and now these very people would rather see him dead than anywhere near them.
The night was falling and none of his teammates could get themselves to look at him while they were coming back to the mansion. They weren’t obvious about it, but since they piled into the car no one met his eyes, not even when asking him a direct question. It made his jaw clench and his entire spine stiffen, because these were the people he was supposed to trust with his life and now they couldn’t even look at him. He should have taken a shower and then gone to bed, nothing else, but the moment they stopped in the garage, he found himself stomping to the library, pacing the embroidered rug and running his gloved fingers through his hair.
It wasn’t a surprise when short time after Tony walked in, heading straight for his armchair. Halfway there he hesitated and sat on Steve’s couch instead, stapling his fingers between his knees and watching Steve pacing, like he was some sort of a wild animal to be observed.
“How could you not know that it was me?!” Steve finally screamed, his grasp on his emotions snapping. He knew Tony of all people was the least to blame, but he was there and Steve needed to work out these emotions or he would explode from them. “How could you not know that an alien was working alongside you, fighting alongside you?! How could you not notice that it wasn’t me?” The last sentence was asked more plaintively than angry and he collapsed next to the other man, hanging his head and putting his hands on the back of his neck, trying to will the sting from his eyes away. If they had only noticed, if they knew, weeks of torture would be cut short, the people of America wouldn’t question his every move now. He wouldn’t be hated.
“I’m sorry.” Tony said softly, laying a hand on his shoulder. “We should have and I’m sorry we failed you. That I failed you.”
Steve wanted to protest, he wanted to tell Tony again that they couldn’t have known, that the deception was perfect. The Skrull even had his memories, everything he was besides his very essence and there was no tangible way of recognizing him. But he didn’t feel like placating other people. They should have known. The Skrull was him, but at the same it wasn’t, its decisions could be questioned constantly. But they weren’t, because everyone trusted in Captain America blindly.
At least they used to. Not that Steve missed it all that much. It was good that he was questioned now, that his orders in the field were considered carefully before acted out, but… But it should have happened sooner. It should have happened to that impostor instead of him getting the backlash about it and now he couldn’t do anything about it and he had no one else to blame but his teammates. They were supposed to support him and they failed him.
Tony’s hand tightened on his shoulder, as if he could hear Steve’s thoughts and he shrugged it off angrily, wanting nothing to do with the man right now. But the hand returned and before Steve could return the gesture it was used to pull him into the other man’s arms. He wanted to push Tony away, to shove him off his couch and scream at him that they all failed him indeed.
Instead he found his hands clutching at the delicate silk of Tony’s shirt, his forehead pressing into the engineer’s neck, his eyes tightly shut. He wouldn’t cry, he never had and he wasn’t about to start now. But this was nice, the comfort that the embrace offered, unquestioning and unreserved, there for him for however long he needed it. They might have failed him, but at least one of them tried to build their bond back together. And that was more than Steve should have asked for after how the trust in him was torn to pieces.
~*~
Steve was dozing off on his couch, blanket thrown over his shoulders. The fire was long dead by now and he and Tony had exhausted any topic they could think of today already. He thought that if he fell asleep now he wouldn’t have nightmares. This room, this space was his safe place, it was like a magical ring that the demons couldn’t enter. He snorted silently to himself and let his eyes slip shut. It was clearly time to go to sleep.
Tony was sitting in his armchair like always, drinking scotch for a change. He didn’t drink alcohol very often during their nights, but he seemed to be determined to get drunk today. Steve didn’t mind, as long as he was safe and didn’t go overboard, Tony could do anything he wanted.
The soft sound of knees falling on the carpet near him startled him slightly, but he didn’t open his eyes. He hadn’t heard anyone coming in so it must have been Tony. His suspicions were confirmed when the weight settled on the edge of the couch, making it dip a little. There was a foul smelling breath right in his face, but Steve still didn’t move. It was pretty clear there was something Tony needed to do, whatever it was, and he wasn’t going to spook the man.
“I did fail you.” Tony spoke finally in the ragged whisper and Steve flinched inwardly. He didn’t have an idea that Tony really took this so badly. He should have known better. “Not only you. I failed all of Avengers. All of New York.” The chuckle that followed was bitter and tired, ending on a hiccupping sob and Steve clenched his fist under the blanket.
He thought these little meetings were helping not only him, but it seemed he was wrong. His best friend was falling apart before him and he couldn’t even do anything, because as soon as Tony noticed Steve wasn’t asleep yet, he would withdraw again.
“I left them. Fury told me there was a Skrull hiding on the team and instead of staying and keeping the distrust at bay I left and let them drift apart, the suspicions and fear making them enemies instead of allies.” Tony was definitely crying now, even if the only indication of that were the tiny hitches in his breath. Steve ached to be able to move, but he wanted to hear everything before he intervened, lest they never talk about this again.
“I’m no leader.” Tony choked out and laughed bitter and quiet after. “No, wait, I am. I’m just a failure of one. I don’t understand how you could all trust me to lead you again. You could be so much better.” The sentences were getting steadily quieter and Steve was almost sure that soon Tony’s voice would just quit on him. “She actually thanked me. The Queen. She said they couldn’t have done it without me.”
Tony didn’t saying anything for a long time, the couch where he was leaning on it shaking with his sobs. Steve was on the verge of finally making a move when the last, quiet sentence came out from Tony, his voice more of a wounded croak than his usual deep tone.
“I’m so sorry, Steve.”
Steve didn’t need any more prompting. He moved in a flash, not letting Tony move away and pulled the man on the couch next to him, closing his arms tight around the other man. Tony struggled for a moment, trying to push himself away, but Steve held tight and eventually he settled down, returning the embrace. They spent the night like this, crammed onto a couch that was way too small for them both, Steve pretending that the wet patches randomly appeared on his clothes sometimes.
~*~
Steve thought back on that moment later and thought that it might have been the breaking point, the moment when they just stopped pretending they didn’t need each other as much as they did. Somehow between the late nights filled with insomnia they became each other’s grounding stones. From then on, they curled on the couch together right from the start of the night, Tony talking to him more, but not touching the alcohol anymore.
It was nice, it was comfortable, it was something that Steve had missed since he’d woken up in this new century. Before, in the war, he had his unit , but he also had Bucky and Peggy, two people who he didn’t mind seeing him weak and human. He was neither their commander, nor their captain, he was just Steve, who wasn’t perfect and was allowed to feel fear. And now he had Tony who thought of him in the same way, and he was pretty sure Tony had him, even if the man was reluctant sometimes to admit it. It kept him from going insane when the hateful glances became too much.
The first time Tony kissed him after one of their long talks came as a surprise. Steve still wasn’t used to how people of the 21st century could be so free with their affections, but he knew this wasn’t the same. This was Tony, and Tony was kissing him. Maybe he could actually work that new part in their routine, he thought, leaning in to recapture Tony’s lips.