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cap_ironman2014-01-04 10:22 pm
cap_ironman_fe) wrote in cap_ironman2014-01-04 10:22 pm
Secret Santa: Even From Myself
Happy New Year: Salmastryon
Title: Even From Myself
Rating: No Rating
Universe: AU of 616 and MCU
Warnings: Mild swearing, character death
From: Axilef
Even from Myself
"It wasn't your fault Steve."
"Anyone in the same situation would have done the same thing."
"No one blames you Cap."
"It was an accident. A horrible one, but still, an unfortunate accident."
An accident. Funny how the biggest regret of his life can be summarized into two little words.
_____
It has been two months, but Steve can still remember that day as clear as water.
It wasn't hard to really.
Not when the dreams of ice and the cold has been replaced with a shield, bitter words and empty punches.
Not when he wakes up night after night screaming, watching himself slam the shield down again and again, each harder than the other.
Not when all he had to do was close his eyes, and he could see those sharp and beautiful blue eyes, down on the ground, boring deep into his soul, asking him to end it all.
Not when he has to live with the fact that he killed Tony Stark.
---------
On most days, Steve's fine really.
He goes on missions.
He trains with the new team and participates with team building.
He fights against every crazy villain of the week.
He occasionally trains SHIELD'S new recruits. He goes out every week with Bucky, exploring and rebuilding their friendship.
Life goes on as usual.
Most of the time he can pretend like the rest of the world.
But whenever the guilt gets to be too much, he runs back to the ruins of the mansion and dwells on memories that can give as much pain as comfort.
He remembers every memory he had of Tony.
Every smile, every fight, every laugh, every tear, every word, and even the silences in between.
He remembers every single thing he both loved and hated about the man he was almost sure he loved.
And he trembles, numb with pain and so much regret, and he cannot even allow himself to grieve.
How does a killer grieve, when the whole world insists he's a hero?
Does he even have the right to mourn a loss he himself has caused?
He sits there, in the middle of the crumbled walls and broken furniture, and trapped in his thoughts.
He can never go home again.
---------
It had been a shock to see Tony again.
It wasn't really his Tony. No, this one belonged to another one of those parallel worlds Reed had been blabbing about weeks ago.
Apparently, one of Reed's machine had malfunctioned and opened a portal in one of those worlds, involuntarily transporting that world's Ironman and Captain America to their world.
Goddamn Reed Richards.
And since Steve was the America's new top cop, he had the privilege of being one of the few informed of this recent incident.
To say that he was shocked was an understatement.
He had been terrified, almost tempted to disappear and just let the others deal with the guests.
He doesn't know how to face this Tony Stark.
He takes one look at the man, considerably older and shorter than the Tony he had known, with different eyes and thinner beard, and foolishly thinks he can compartmentalise. He can separate them. Think of them as two different people.
But all it takes is to hear his voice. That low charming baritone.
And all he can hear is that same voice, as it pleads with him.
To end it all.
He’s walking out of the room before he’s even fully aware of what he’s doing.
He catches a glimpse of their own Captain America and avoids his eyes.
He can’t face this Steve Rogers either.
Not when he aches.
And definitely not when he’s bitter.
---------
He should have known that any version of himself would find out what happened.
Stubborn. In every universe, that’s what he will always be.
Selfish-self-righteous kind of stubborn.
It wasn’t long before he received the invitation to talk. And if the place was any indication, it would seem that there was no way he can hide or lie, this time around. He found his alter ego just sitting there, unnaturally still and stiff, just staring at the elaborate headstone.
For a long while they both just stared at it, the silence stretching on and on, suffocating him.
And just when he was about to ask what was the intention for this meeting, here of all places, a trembling hand reached out to caress the engraved name.
In the exact same way he thinks he would have done, if only he can allow himself to touch it.
"It wasn't really an accident, was it?" he finally said, voice raw with emotion. “You just kept on going, slamming that shield down, again and again, and you stopped, for one second, but you still didn't-", his voice was breaking now and somehow, Steve feels trapped in despair.
And he couldn't help it.
He couldn't deny it anymore.
The guilt.
The shame.
The grief.
For the first time since Tony's death, Steve looks into eyes so very much like his own, looks into the horror and disbelief, and let's himself go.
“Yes, I did.”
I killed Tony. And there’s not a day that I don’t wish it should have been me who was killed instead.
I regret every single damn decision that led me to that fight. I wish I could take back every step and every swing. I wish the world would see how much of a monster I really am, so they could finally end this. So I can finally get the punishment I deserve.
I miss him every fucking day. I wish did so much differently. I never even told him just how much he meant to me, and now I have no one to blame but myself.
I-I want to die so badly, but I can’t, because somehow it would be a betrayal to his memory, leaving when I already won. And I wish so bad I lost instead.
And some mornings I would wake up and reach for the phone trying to reach him just to talk and I remember that day and the only thing that really matters is the fact that I killed him.
I killed Tony and I just-
He couldn’t breathe anymore, not with wetness on his face and the empty ache in his chest.
He felt warm arms around him. A voice murmured comfort.
Understanding.
Forgiving.
Basking together in loss and regret.
It was daybreak when they finally found the strength to go home.
----------
Someone was waiting in his bedroom.
“I hope you don't mind me invading your private space, Commander.”
It was Tony. The other version.
He was simply too drained to run away.
Before he could say anything, the shorter man hugged him.
“You don’t have to say anything. Uhm, Steve- my Steve, told me about what happened, why I wasn’t around here anymore, and I kinda couldn’t help but follow him earlier. I saw and I just-“
His eyes widen. He felt his body stiffen, which Tony quickly responded to by rubbing his hands up and down his back.
“I want you to know, that if I- he was alive, if your Tony could, he would have forgiven you. “ Tony’s breath was warm and familiar to his skin.
He felt the genius shaking his head “This is crazy but-“, and the man moves so they can both look at each other face to face.
“I forgive you. We forgive you.” And Steve looks into those brown eyes, and even if they were the wrong hue, his heart feels as if a little burden was lifted.
He felt, that for the first time since what seems like forever, he can finally start to forgive himself.
_______
Steve eventually escorts them to the lab where the portal back to their dimension would be opened.
Tony goes first, waving and grinning at him before jumping into the light.
Steve 2.0 then turns to him, a hand reaching out which he firmly grasps.
“Thank you for helping us get home.”
“I didn’t do much really. You should thank Richards and his team.”
“We already did. And thank you for being honest.”
“Just take care of him. Don’t do the same mistakes.”
Their eyes meet, and Steve is not surprised to see the steely determination within.
“I still don’t fully accept the way things turned out here Commander. A part of me is angry at you. But I know it wasn’t easy. I can almost feel your pain.”
“I can’t imagine a life without Tony. And deep inside, I would always be scared of myself. What if despite whatever plan or preparation, I end up like you? After all, I am another version of you.”
“I’m afraid. But I’m also aware. And I swear to you, I am going to do my god damned best to keep him safe, even from myself.”
Steve can see as this version of him hardens his resolve.
And he hopes, in another life, the same stubborn streak that drove him to kill can be used to protect.
He watched as the other man jumps into the light.
…..
A week later, Steve walks out into the cemetery and sits down in front of a familiar marker.
Eyes sad, always perpetually sad, but always full of life and animation as he talks about anything and everything to his fallen love.
Title: Even From Myself
Rating: No Rating
Universe: AU of 616 and MCU
Warnings: Mild swearing, character death
From: Axilef
Even from Myself
"It wasn't your fault Steve."
"Anyone in the same situation would have done the same thing."
"No one blames you Cap."
"It was an accident. A horrible one, but still, an unfortunate accident."
An accident. Funny how the biggest regret of his life can be summarized into two little words.
_____
It has been two months, but Steve can still remember that day as clear as water.
It wasn't hard to really.
Not when the dreams of ice and the cold has been replaced with a shield, bitter words and empty punches.
Not when he wakes up night after night screaming, watching himself slam the shield down again and again, each harder than the other.
Not when all he had to do was close his eyes, and he could see those sharp and beautiful blue eyes, down on the ground, boring deep into his soul, asking him to end it all.
Not when he has to live with the fact that he killed Tony Stark.
---------
On most days, Steve's fine really.
He goes on missions.
He trains with the new team and participates with team building.
He fights against every crazy villain of the week.
He occasionally trains SHIELD'S new recruits. He goes out every week with Bucky, exploring and rebuilding their friendship.
Life goes on as usual.
Most of the time he can pretend like the rest of the world.
But whenever the guilt gets to be too much, he runs back to the ruins of the mansion and dwells on memories that can give as much pain as comfort.
He remembers every memory he had of Tony.
Every smile, every fight, every laugh, every tear, every word, and even the silences in between.
He remembers every single thing he both loved and hated about the man he was almost sure he loved.
And he trembles, numb with pain and so much regret, and he cannot even allow himself to grieve.
How does a killer grieve, when the whole world insists he's a hero?
Does he even have the right to mourn a loss he himself has caused?
He sits there, in the middle of the crumbled walls and broken furniture, and trapped in his thoughts.
He can never go home again.
---------
It had been a shock to see Tony again.
It wasn't really his Tony. No, this one belonged to another one of those parallel worlds Reed had been blabbing about weeks ago.
Apparently, one of Reed's machine had malfunctioned and opened a portal in one of those worlds, involuntarily transporting that world's Ironman and Captain America to their world.
Goddamn Reed Richards.
And since Steve was the America's new top cop, he had the privilege of being one of the few informed of this recent incident.
To say that he was shocked was an understatement.
He had been terrified, almost tempted to disappear and just let the others deal with the guests.
He doesn't know how to face this Tony Stark.
He takes one look at the man, considerably older and shorter than the Tony he had known, with different eyes and thinner beard, and foolishly thinks he can compartmentalise. He can separate them. Think of them as two different people.
But all it takes is to hear his voice. That low charming baritone.
And all he can hear is that same voice, as it pleads with him.
To end it all.
He’s walking out of the room before he’s even fully aware of what he’s doing.
He catches a glimpse of their own Captain America and avoids his eyes.
He can’t face this Steve Rogers either.
Not when he aches.
And definitely not when he’s bitter.
---------
He should have known that any version of himself would find out what happened.
Stubborn. In every universe, that’s what he will always be.
Selfish-self-righteous kind of stubborn.
It wasn’t long before he received the invitation to talk. And if the place was any indication, it would seem that there was no way he can hide or lie, this time around. He found his alter ego just sitting there, unnaturally still and stiff, just staring at the elaborate headstone.
For a long while they both just stared at it, the silence stretching on and on, suffocating him.
And just when he was about to ask what was the intention for this meeting, here of all places, a trembling hand reached out to caress the engraved name.
In the exact same way he thinks he would have done, if only he can allow himself to touch it.
"It wasn't really an accident, was it?" he finally said, voice raw with emotion. “You just kept on going, slamming that shield down, again and again, and you stopped, for one second, but you still didn't-", his voice was breaking now and somehow, Steve feels trapped in despair.
And he couldn't help it.
He couldn't deny it anymore.
The guilt.
The shame.
The grief.
For the first time since Tony's death, Steve looks into eyes so very much like his own, looks into the horror and disbelief, and let's himself go.
“Yes, I did.”
I killed Tony. And there’s not a day that I don’t wish it should have been me who was killed instead.
I regret every single damn decision that led me to that fight. I wish I could take back every step and every swing. I wish the world would see how much of a monster I really am, so they could finally end this. So I can finally get the punishment I deserve.
I miss him every fucking day. I wish did so much differently. I never even told him just how much he meant to me, and now I have no one to blame but myself.
I-I want to die so badly, but I can’t, because somehow it would be a betrayal to his memory, leaving when I already won. And I wish so bad I lost instead.
And some mornings I would wake up and reach for the phone trying to reach him just to talk and I remember that day and the only thing that really matters is the fact that I killed him.
I killed Tony and I just-
He couldn’t breathe anymore, not with wetness on his face and the empty ache in his chest.
He felt warm arms around him. A voice murmured comfort.
Understanding.
Forgiving.
Basking together in loss and regret.
It was daybreak when they finally found the strength to go home.
----------
Someone was waiting in his bedroom.
“I hope you don't mind me invading your private space, Commander.”
It was Tony. The other version.
He was simply too drained to run away.
Before he could say anything, the shorter man hugged him.
“You don’t have to say anything. Uhm, Steve- my Steve, told me about what happened, why I wasn’t around here anymore, and I kinda couldn’t help but follow him earlier. I saw and I just-“
His eyes widen. He felt his body stiffen, which Tony quickly responded to by rubbing his hands up and down his back.
“I want you to know, that if I- he was alive, if your Tony could, he would have forgiven you. “ Tony’s breath was warm and familiar to his skin.
He felt the genius shaking his head “This is crazy but-“, and the man moves so they can both look at each other face to face.
“I forgive you. We forgive you.” And Steve looks into those brown eyes, and even if they were the wrong hue, his heart feels as if a little burden was lifted.
He felt, that for the first time since what seems like forever, he can finally start to forgive himself.
_______
Steve eventually escorts them to the lab where the portal back to their dimension would be opened.
Tony goes first, waving and grinning at him before jumping into the light.
Steve 2.0 then turns to him, a hand reaching out which he firmly grasps.
“Thank you for helping us get home.”
“I didn’t do much really. You should thank Richards and his team.”
“We already did. And thank you for being honest.”
“Just take care of him. Don’t do the same mistakes.”
Their eyes meet, and Steve is not surprised to see the steely determination within.
“I still don’t fully accept the way things turned out here Commander. A part of me is angry at you. But I know it wasn’t easy. I can almost feel your pain.”
“I can’t imagine a life without Tony. And deep inside, I would always be scared of myself. What if despite whatever plan or preparation, I end up like you? After all, I am another version of you.”
“I’m afraid. But I’m also aware. And I swear to you, I am going to do my god damned best to keep him safe, even from myself.”
Steve can see as this version of him hardens his resolve.
And he hopes, in another life, the same stubborn streak that drove him to kill can be used to protect.
He watched as the other man jumps into the light.
…..
A week later, Steve walks out into the cemetery and sits down in front of a familiar marker.
Eyes sad, always perpetually sad, but always full of life and animation as he talks about anything and everything to his fallen love.