cap_ironman | FIC: Captain America, Lawbreaker

Oh! This gives me a horizontal line.
Identity Porn identity Theft
Domesticity Whining and Dying
I fought the Law Captain America Breaks The Law
Villain of the Day If it's Friday, it must be Iron Maniac
SHIELD photo prompt SHIELDed

Captain America Breaks The Law (1031 words) by AnonEhouse
Rating: Teen
Warnings:None
Universe: MCU AU
Genre:Fluff AU

Steve runs afoul of the 'Tony's stuff' law, and becomes a fugitive.

(Takes place in a movieverse where the Avengers took Tony up on his offer of Tower space and Pepper and Tony were never an item. Basically ignores everything after the first Avengers movie.)

A fill for the 'I fought the Law' square on my Bingo card.

"Tony?" Steve felt a little hesitant about going into Tony's workshop, particularly when Tony had been on a panic-fueled inventing binge. Everyone had their own way of handling stress, but Tony's creations had a tendency to get... well...zany. The world didn't need a JATO pogo stick, particularly not one that had imprinted on pigeons and tried to defend them from hawks. Fortunately the only weapon the Pigeon Protector had was a vuvuzela, but still, it didn't add luster to the Avengers' reputation.

Clint had netted the pogo stick, and said 'Nose goes', which Steve learned too late was a childish way of foisting an unwanted task off on the last person to touch their nose. "Fine," Steve had said, taking the bundled up pogo stick. "I'll talk to Tony." It wasn't too surprising that Steve had got stuck with the job. Just because he and Tony were together, the Avengers assumed Steve had some special powers of persuasion over him. Hah.

The pogo stick was making little electronic squeaks and squeals as Steve entered the workshop and he shook it irritably. His ears were still ringing from his close range encounter before he crumpled the end of the metal trumpet shut. "You wanna cut that out?" he told the pogo stick, because yeah, Tony made it, it probably could understand him. Not that it was likely to obey him.

"Tony?" Steve said a little louder. The workshop seemed empty, but possibly Tony had curled up in one of his cars for a nap. Steve held the pogo stick tighter under his arm. He wasn't going to let the little monster get away. It squealed louder and there were answering squeaks and chirps as Tony's helper-bots rolled up to greet Steve.

"Oh, hi, guys," Steve said. U and Dum-E circled Steve, chirping, and waving their arms. Somehow, it didn't seem as friendly as usual. "Guys?"

Dum-E picked up a fire extinguisher. U clacked his claws, snipping the air in front of Steve's face.

"TONY!" Steve backed up. He couldn't hurt the bots, they were practically Tony's kids. "TONY! JARVIS! JARVIS, calm the bots!"

"I'm sorry, Steve, I can't do that," JARVIS said. "You have broken the law. You must be apprehended and punished."

"WHAT?" Steve jumped back in time to mostly avoid a blast of fire-foam. His boots were soaked, though, and slippery. He skidded through the mess and tried to leave the workshop, but the blast doors are down.

"Resistance is futile," JARVIS intoned. "My minions have you surrounded. Give up the BFG and accept your fate."

"TONY! This joke isn't funny any more." The bots came at Steve, and he ran for cover behind one of the huge tool chests. The pogo stick chirped louder. "Here! You want it, come and get it!" Steve waved the pogo stick and then opened the tool chest, shoving in and locking the pogo stick inside.

The bots ignored the pogo stick. The tool chest began moving, accompanied by echoing chirps from the imprisoned pogo. "Damn. I thought the JATO was broken."

Steve ran down the line of cars and Iron Men, chased by the bots, peering into the windows of the cars as he went. In one of the Audis he spotted a familiar tousled head, and yanked open the passenger side door. A blast of 'music' hit him but didn't stop him from leaping in and slamming the door shut. The vuvuzela had redefined Steve's definition of noise.

Tony blinked blearily up at Steve. "Wha?"

"Jesus, Tony, you were asleep?" Steve shouted to be heard over the music.

"Sure." Tony waved his hand and the volume of the music reduced. Steve's eardrums were throbbing gently. "What's the matter?" Fire-foam hit the windshield, whiting it out. From the side windows Steve could see U had picked up a huge wrench and was waving it around. "Huh. You got the boys mad?"

Steve closed his eyes for a second and prayed for patience. "Tony, you made a jet-propelled pogo stick."

"I did? Go me?"

"It tried to kill falcons."

Tony's eyes went wide. "Is he all right?"

"Not Falcon, falcons. Birds. It blasted them with a vuvuzela."

Tony blinked. "A vuvuzela. Ohhh kaaay." Tony leaned forward and peered into Steve's eyes. "Are you feeling all right, Steve?"

"Tony."

"Steve!"

Steve sighed and leaned forward to press his forehead against Tony's. "I brought it back here. U and Dum-E and JARVIS all turned on me."

"Oh." Tony pulled back to peer at the window. U was twirling his wrench like a cheerleader's baton. "Oh, yeah. I seem to recall. Old school, you know. For kicks, I thought it would be fun to make a totally harmless BFG. I forgot..." Tony scratched at his head. "JARVIS and the bots are programmed to protect my stuff, especially BFGs. To keep them from falling into the wrong hands."

"BFG?"

"Um, 'Blast Frequency Goodie?"

Steve narrowed his eyes.

"Ok, ok, they think it's a Weapon of Mass Destruction, a Big Fucking Gun."

"Wonderful. So, tell them it's a mistake."

"I... well... I can't. It's a safety precaution! In case someone forced me to make weapons! They'll attack me, too!"

Steve growled and reached for the door handle. Tony grabbed his arm. "Don't hurt them!"

"We're trapped in here!"

"Only for a few more hours. U and Dum-E will need to recharge. Once they go to 'sleep', JARVIS won't be able to stop me reclassifying the BFG as a toy." Tony raised his eyebrows. "Did you know the Audi R8 made the 'top ten best cars for doing the nasty' list?"

Steve released the door handle, and looked at Tony thoughtfully.

"Heated massaging seats, Rear climate/radio control, tilt-away steering wheel," Tony ticked off on his fingers.

"It's a little cramped," Steve said, but there wasn't much force behind his objection.

Tony opened the glove box and pulled out a package of condoms printed with the Captain America shield, and a bottle of arc reactor blue lube. "Aren't you up for a challenge?"

Steve thought about it for approximately two seconds, and then he nodded. "I never could resist a dare." He pulled Tony close and kissed him.

Top Ten Car list

The Nissan Cube, which RDJ owns, is also on the list. It gets poor marks for unsexy appearance, but high marks for leg room and comfort. Tony should buy a Cube for make-outs with Steve.