Fic: Waste Not, Want Not

[entropy-house.livejournal.com]

Waste Not, Want Not ( 1834 words) by AnonEhouse
Rating: Teen
Warnings:None
Universe: MCU, AU
Genre:Fluffy Crack AU

Steve and Tony bet that if they changed places, Tony would learn to economize, and Steve would buy frivolous things.

(Takes place in a movieverse where the Avengers took Tony up on his offer of Tower space and Pepper and Tony were never an item. Basically ignores everything after the first Avengers movie.)

A fill for the 'SubUrban Survival' square on my Bingo card.(Well, I interpreted it. Tony at least was trying to survive in an urban environment.)


(Takes place in a movieverse where the Avengers took Tony up on his offer of Tower space and Pepper and Tony were never an item. Basically ignores everything after the first Avengers movie.)


"Oh, come on, Steve," Tony said, "just throw it out."

"That's perfectly good cooking oil," Steve replied. "It's not as if I'd fried fish in it." Steve put a coffee filter into a funnel, and then poured the pot of cooled oil slowly, slowly, slowly, back into the bottle.

"You do know that you can just buy more oil? Or, you know, buy doughnuts already made?"

"Sure, and when I'm not home to make them, I'll buy doughnuts. I'm not a cheapskate!" Steve kept pouring, watching the oil's slow progress. "I just don't go around buying every shiny thing I see."

"Is that crack aimed at me? It's my money; I can spend it how I want." Tony frowned, but he picked up a doughnut and bit into it.

"Yeah, I've seen you in action. I'd be uncomfortable wasting things. I just can't do it," Steve said, tapping the pot to hurry along the last few spoonfuls of oil. "If I had all the money in the world, I still couldn't do it."

"Yeah? Wanna make a bet?"

"What?" Steve capped the bottle and wiped his hands off on a ripped up t-shirt.

Tony poked Steve in the chest with his free hand. "I bet if you had all the money in the world for a month you'd realize how ridiculous it is to waste your time saving pennies."

"I bet that if you had to live on my wages for a month you'd learn to economize."

"Yeah?" Tony stood right up against Steve and glared at him.

"Yeah!" Steve glared right back at Tony. Then his mouth twitched. "You have powdered sugar on your mustache. I can't yell at a man with powdered sugar in his mustache."

"Fine! Fix it!" Tony put his hands on his hips.

Steve rolled his eyes. Then he leaned down a few inches and kissed Tony, licking at his mustache. "There. Fixed. And without wasting anything!"

"That does it!" Tony pushed back from Steve. "I dare you. I double-dog-dare you." Tony pulled his black Amex out of his card and slapped it down on the counter. "Yours! You live in the penthouse for a month, and you buy whatever you want! It'll all be yours, whatever you spend it on. Buy yourself the Dodgers, for all I care."

"You think I couldn't resist?"

"I know it!" Tony folded his arms and nodded.

Steve picked up the card. "All right. You're on." He handed Tony the bottle of oil. "And you have to live within my month's wages without scrimping! Here! In my apartment!"

"Fine!" Tony grabbed the oil bottle and tossed it in the kitchen trash. "You've got a bet."

Steve tilted his head. "What are the stakes?"

"If I win, you buy me a box of bakery doughnuts. If you win... and you won't... I'll make doughnuts for you!"

Steve raised his eyebrows.

"Fine. Your choice of the doughnut-making equivalent. Say two hours of my time doing whatever you want." This time, Tony rolled his eyes. "Not that, you already get that for free."

"Deal." Steve held out his hand and they shook on it.

"Ok, so what exactly is your monthly stipend? Stipend, I can't believe I even know the word."

"I'll draw out a month's wages from the bank, and put it in an envelope."

"Cash? Do you have any idea how filthy currency is? It's got germs and drugs and ..." Tony looked at Steve. "If I die from a tainted tenner, it will be on thy head."

Steve grinned. "Hey, I got that reference!"

"Of course you did. You're adorable, you big meatball." Tony smirked at Steve. "Hey, since this is now my home, let me show you my etchings."

"There are no etchings," Steve said, but he made no protest as Tony dragged him into the bedroom.



The phone rang, and rang, and rang. Tony pulled the pillow off his head and squinted against light of a spectrum indicative of a very shallow arc of inclination. "O god, morning, no. JARVIS, get that. And turn down the light." The phone kept ringing and the light kept pouring in through thin curtains. "Oh, yeah." He was in Steve's bed. Without Steve, who was presumably in the penthouse. They'd exchanged telephones, which explained why his was playing the factory default sound. Tony scrabbled for the phone. "Yallo?"

"Tony," Steve said, "where are all your pots and pans?"

"Um, I dunno? Is this a trick question?" Tony sat up and rubbed at his face. "Whereever they want to be? I have no coffee, so I have no clue."

Steve's sigh was audible. "There's coffee in the kitchenette. Folger's."

"Steve, why do you hate me so?" Tony got up with the phone in one hand and headed for the kitchenette, a short walk because of the tiny, tiny apartment. "Seriously, Steve, ask JARVIS. He knows more than I do about the contents of the penthouse. Or my bank account. Or pretty much anything." Tony groaned when he found the container of Folger's. "Folger's. First thing, I'm gonna buy some decent coffee."

"Tony, I can't make breakfast! There's nothing here but fancy coffeemakers, and..." There was the sound of a refrigerator door opening. "Cream, eggs and a watermelon? Tony, you could DIE on this diet. At least the watermelon's healthy."

"It's marinated in vodka. The breakfast of champions," Tony said as he dug under the counter full of vintage kitchen equipment, and came up with a Mr. Coffee. "Ok, also gonna buy a real coffee maker. Really, Steve, if you need pots and pans, tell JARVIS and he'll get them for you."

"All right, but this is only because of necessity! Love you," Steve said, and then he disconnected.

Tony discovered the leftover doughnuts, covered with a dishtowel in the fridge, and topped by a cartoon of Iron Man with a powdered sugar 'mustache' on the faceplate. He grinned. "Love you, too."




"Right, here's your money," Steve said, handing Tony a fat envelope.

Tony pinched the envelope between forefinger and thumb. He looked at it for a moment, and then smiled brightly. "I feel like a kept man. Awesome. I changed the sheets on the bed, but I couldn't get military corners. Wanna show me how it's done?" Tony dropped the money on the kitchen counter, next to the dismantled Mr. Coffee.

"Sure." Steve followed Tony into the bedroom. The old sheets were hung over the curtain rod, on top of the curtains. "I love what you've done with the place."

"I've got plans!" Tony said. "I'd subscribe to House and Garden, but I think it takes a month for the first issue to arrive." Tony threw himself onto the bed. "Oops."

"You're such a slob." Steve joined Tony.




Steve woke an hour later, alone, in a bed whose corners were entirely unmilitary. "Tony?"

"In the kitchen!"

Steve got up and found Tony at the kitchen sink, wearing pink rubber gloves, stirring around a sink full of... "Money? You're washing the money?"

"Money laundering! It's a thing! I looked around on line." Tony gestured at Steve's StarkPad. "I will have no filthy lucre!"

"You're amazing."

"I know."




"Hot dogs, in the park?" Steve said when Tony met him for lunch.

"My treat!" Tony pulled out a wallet stuffed with freshly ironed bills. "I love these. Two! With loads of onion and chili and cheese," Tony told the vendor.

"And it's a cheap date," Steve remarked. "Learning to budget?" He picked up his hot dog and a handful of paper napkins.

"Yeah, no." Tony dropped a pile of bills on the cart and picked up his dog. He started to turn away.

"No, no, sir!" The vendor protested. "This is $2.50 each! See the sign. No price gouging!"

Tony clapped the man on his back. "An honest man! The rest is your reward for honesty. Really, I'm rich, I can afford it."

The vendor must have been new to the city. He looked at Tony's faded band t-shirt and his scuffed red sneakers. Then he looked at Steve. He leaned close to whisper to Tony. "You want to impress? Go to Central Park South, take a carriage ride. Very romantic." He beamed and leaned back.

Tony grinned. "Excellent advice!"

"What if I don't want a carriage ride?" Steve asked as they walked along, eating their dogs.

"Ah, ah, ah! We made a bet! You're cheating!"

"You're ridiculous." Steve took Tony's free hand. "It's a good thing you're cute."

"Sure is."





Tony called Steve two weeks later. "I won!"

"You what?"

"I ran out of money, but I didn't scrimp."

"Well, you'll have to scrimp for the rest of the month!"

"Steve. I am dead broke. There is no amount of scrimping that would change that. Therefore I am not scrimping."

"Tell me you at least have enough food to last you."

"Nope! Well, I do have five pounds of Coffee Yauco Selecto AA."

"That's the coffee made from cat poop?"

"No! Kopi Luwak is the one made mostly from caged civets. That's mean. I couldn't drink it. The Yauco is only $24 a pound, but it's pretty good."

Tony." Steve sighed. "You know I can't leave you to starve."

"Of course you can't," Tony said smugly. "So, that means I can come over? I've missed my Keurig."

Steve let out another long sigh. "I'll send Happy."




Tony strutted in wearing a brand new rock band t-shirt and shiny gold high-tops. "I left everything else at your place," he announced after giving Steve a 'hello' kiss. "Blackout curtains, new carpet, a couch big enough for the both of us. I swear, nothing in bad taste!"

"I trust you." Steve scratched at the side of his neck.

"I know that tell. What's up, Steve?"

"I'd been hoping we could declare a tie."

"STEVE!" Tony was gleeful. "You bought something frivolous! I'm so proud. I'll make you an American Consumer, yet."

"Well, it's not entirely frivolous."

"Sure, uh huh." Tony looked around. "Where is it? Everything looks the same. OOoh, ooh, did you buy a car? A yacht? Did you, Steve, did you buy the Dodgers?"

Steve rolled his eyes. "No. It's. It's in the bathroom."

"Luxury item in the bathroom. Steve. Did you buy a heated toilet seat?"

"No!" Steve blushed. "I probably would have, but it's not winter."

Tony ran into the bathroom, and stopped dead. "My god."

"Yeah. It's an Experience Shower. It's just... it plays music and the colored lights change and it's... like performance art. JARVIS kept showing me things to buy." Steve gave Tony an accusing look. Tony's eyes went all round and innocent.

"Yeah, he does that," Tony said. "So... not totally frivolous?"

"Well, you know. It's big enough for two. We'd be saving water."

Tony peeled off his t-shirt. "Well, I suppose, I could do a little scrimping."

Steve unbuttoned his shirt. "We can meet in the middle."

"We can do that." Tony grinned at Steve. "But you're still gonna buy me doughnuts."



Also fills AvengerKink prompt. Fitted that pretty closely.

Research links. :^)

The Tale of a Tainted Tenner. (November 12, 1905) by O. Henry The Book of the Trimmed Lamp at Project Gutenberg includes it. I love O. Henry's stories.

How to wash dollar bills

photos of Central Park carriage rides They cost $70 to $130 for booked rides half hour to an hour, but you have to book ahead. The walk-ups are a 20 minute ride costing $50, and you just walk up to any carriage on the stand.

Expensive coffee

expensive coffee machines. Pretty sure Tony has at least one of these, but not the gold one, that's just... well, knowing Tony maybe he does

Experience Shower Demo