Well, I don't know how familiar you are with the technical terms, but you start in tight third person, which is to say we're breathing down Tony's neck and sharing his thoughts, and end up in omniscient, which is that we're getting only their actions and words. The last bit that's anything like 'in the head' is It should have been a light gesture, but his brow was drawn down and his fists were balled up at his sides. And the emotional payoff - when they share their feelings - should in most cases not be where we are distanced from the characters.
Like, this: “No, it has nothing to do with what people think happens! It’s more... what people would like to see happen. Wait, that doesn’t make it better. If it helps, I am personally outraged by most of this.” He frowned in what he hoped was a sincere manner, crossing his arms and casting a disapproving look towards the screen. is really nicely done. His actions and thoughts mesh beautifully with his dialogue, we can clearly picture him, it sounds like Tony.
Whereas this: “Really? That’s what you’re taking away from this? If there’s porn of me and Rhodey, I don’t want to see it.”
Steve perched on the edge of the table. “So all this...?”
“All this is me having a thing for you and being kind of a creep about it.” seems more like Steve perched on the table so you could break up the dialogue. There's no thoughts, no voice. I mean, you could have added a reaction shot of Steve about Tony/Rhodey porn, or Tony contemplating such porn, or maybe the fine definitions of best best friend. Character stuff, that draws us in.
I totally do this all the time; I tend to draft my fics in almost pure dialogue, and then I have to put in blocking (actions) and then I have to put in interior stuff. And it's such a pain! But it really does make the story better in the end.
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Like, this: “No, it has nothing to do with what people think happens! It’s more... what people would like to see happen. Wait, that doesn’t make it better. If it helps, I am personally outraged by most of this.” He frowned in what he hoped was a sincere manner, crossing his arms and casting a disapproving look towards the screen. is really nicely done. His actions and thoughts mesh beautifully with his dialogue, we can clearly picture him, it sounds like Tony.
Whereas this: “Really? That’s what you’re taking away from this? If there’s porn of me and Rhodey, I don’t want to see it.”
Steve perched on the edge of the table. “So all this...?”
“All this is me having a thing for you and being kind of a creep about it.” seems more like Steve perched on the table so you could break up the dialogue. There's no thoughts, no voice. I mean, you could have added a reaction shot of Steve about Tony/Rhodey porn, or Tony contemplating such porn, or maybe the fine definitions of best best friend. Character stuff, that draws us in.
I totally do this all the time; I tend to draft my fics in almost pure dialogue, and then I have to put in blocking (actions) and then I have to put in interior stuff. And it's such a pain! But it really does make the story better in the end.