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cap_ironman2014-01-01 06:58 pm
cap_ironman_fe) wrote in cap_ironman2014-01-01 06:58 pm
Secret Santa: All I Want For Christmas Is You
Happy New Year: BeamsnBows (AO3)
Title: All I Want For Christmas Is You
Rating: G
Universe: MCU
Warnings: none
From: neverever
Three days before Christmas and it was quiet throughout the labs in the engineering building at Empire State University. Until Tony Stark arrived for a work marathon in his lab, that is. The first thing he always did after stepping into his lab was crank up his music, today serving up a heaping plate of AC/DC. Then he settled in for a few long days of work. Best way to celebrate the holidays, really, Tony thought as he powered up his workstation and test robot.
Unexpectedly, Jane who had an office near his lab swung by with her latest intern. “Hey, Tony, here’s Darcy. She’ll be working with me next semester. Tony is one of the top research scientists here,” she explained to the undergraduate standing next to her.
Standing at a lab bench, Tony waved a wrench in their direction. “Hello. Don’t touch anything.”
“I heard that you like working here over the holidays,” Jane said.
“Yeah, pretty much. Great time to get some quality work in,” Tony replied. “Are you going to be around too?”
“I’ve got a plane to catch tonight. I’m joining my boyfriend Thor in Iceland until the start of next semester.”
Darcy wandered over to Tony’s workstation. “Hey, neat photos here. Come over and look at these, Jane.” Tony had nearly a dozen photos of a small green dinosaur taped around his monitors. The dinosaur had been photographed in a variety of settings, like an airport, a restaurant table, on a pile of rocks outside.
Tony hustled over and hovered behind Darcy. “Those were taken by my roommate, Steve. He’s in Mozambique right now.”
“Wow,” Darcy said. “Africa, huh?”
“He’s working as a cameraman for a film company shooting a documentary there,” Tony added. Steve for some reason had started sending these photographs to Tony shortly after he left for his trip. When Jane and Bruce asked him about seeing the latest photos, Tony had started printing them off to decorate their labs.
“Um, well, we’ll let you get back to work. I think Bruce is around here somewhere,” Jane said. She tugged at a reluctant Darcy’s sleeve to pull her away from the monitors.
Tony suggested that they look in the kitchenette around the corner. “Happy holidays,” Jane said cheerfully. “See you in January!”
Despite the loud music, Tony could just barely hear Darcy ask Jane, “Why did Tony get that weird look on his face when he mentioned Steve?”
“Oh, Tony just has a huge crush on Steve,” Jane replied. “But Tony doesn’t seem to know that he does. It’s really kind of tragic and sad.”
Later, when Tony paused to wait for the data from his robot trials, he started to wonder if maybe he did have a crush on Steve. He could not possibly have a crush on Steve, who was like his oldest friend in the world. Jane was completely wrong. Of course he missed his friend, who had been out of the country for nearly six months, and he had not heard from Steve for a couple of days. But he only missed Steve because he missed having someone to argue with about television, baseball and bad choices in breakfast cereal.
Their friendship had started when Tony met Steve in his father’s office. Dr. Howard Stark was one of the country’s leading pulmonologists and occasionally let 4-year-old Tony play quietly in his hospital office on Friday afternoons. His favorite office toy was a bucket of multi-colored plastic dinosaurs.
One afternoon, Howard asked him about the green dinosaur. “So is that the brontosaurus, Tony?”
“No, Dad,” Tony groaned. “It’s the Apatosaurus!”
Howard chuckled at him and ruffled his hair. The nurse interrupted to announce that Howard’s 3 o’clock appointment was there. The door opened and a nurse with a small blond boy the same age as Tony came in. “Sarah, this is a surprise,” Howard said warmly.
“Dr. Mathers suggested that I bring Stevie to see you. He’s been diagnosed with asthma and I’m hoping that we can do something for him.”
“Come on, Steve, hop up on the table and let’s take a listen to your lungs.”
Tony was fascinated with the very solemn child with the big blue eyes and terrible wheeze. While his father went through the usual tests, Tony pushed the green dinosaur into Steve’s hands. Steve smiled at him and moved the dinosaur like it was really walking across the examination table. “We’re finished, Steve, why don’t you go play with Tony while I talk to your mom?”
Steve’s mom was a nurse in the same hospital where Tony’s dad worked, so after that day Steve played with Tony when Steve had an appointment or when Tony was around. They quickly became inseparable best friends, two boys constantly adventuring around the hospital and other places. Steve even came for the occasional sleepover at Tony’s mansion. But Tony rarely saw Steve after Tony went off to boarding school.
Back at his workstation, Tony examined at the photo of the green dinosaur in the airport. It was the first photo Steve had sent after he left for Africa. Tony had been surprised when he opened his email to see the photo, since he and Steve had not parted on the best terms when Steve left. But Steve had sent the photo with a cheerful note about setting off on a great journey. Then he kept sending the notes with photos and later longer emails to Tony as if nothing had happened. Tony frowned for a second, trying to remember the last time he’d heard Steve’s deep voice.
“Hey, Tony,” Bruce said, startling Tony. “Jane said you were still here.”
“Yep, got a lot of work to do, Brucie. Big plans, big project, that sort of thing. Maybe I’ll even finish up some grant paperwork too if I’m desperate.” Tony cracked his knuckles.
Bruce pulled up a chair. “I’m headed down to Virginia to see Betty. Want to come?”
Tony smiled at his long-suffering labmate. Bruce liked it quiet; Tony did not. Bruce kept a clean and tidy lab bench; Tony did not. Bruce studied genetics; Tony applied science as it related to engineering. They had come to some agreements about their lab after Associate Dean Coulson made it clear that they had to share lab space, even if they were different disciplines. Tony came to love working with Bruce, despite the tea addiction. But he was not up for a ten-hour car ride with Bruce to visit his girlfriend, especially given Bruce’s small, junky car.
“Nah, I’m good here. See, I have coffee and vending machines in my empire.” Tony pointed to the coffee machine merrily percolating away.
Suddenly a Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” ringtone started to play. Bruce shot a guilty look at a smirking Tony and answered his phone. Tony turned back to working on his code while Bruce had a quick but intense conversation with Betty. Bruce hung up. “Betty thinks it would be great if you came down.”
“Betty is very sweet and it’s nice of you both to offer. Seriously, I am fine,” Tony repeated firmly.
“Yeah, but it’s your first Christmas in a long time without Steve.”
“Brucie, Steve and I aren’t joined at the hip. I’ve spent the holidays alone before and it’s okay. Really.” Tony was getting annoyed now. He spun around in his chair to face Bruce. “First Jane and now you. What gives?”
Bruce looked panic-stricken. “Um, ah, you know, I think you and Steve mean, ugh, more than friends to each other. If you know what I mean.”
Tony snorted. “I’ve known him since he was four, for cripes’ sake. We’ve lived together with other housemates for over three years. Please.”
Bruce sighed. “No one is so blind as he who will not see,” he said cryptically. He reached out and patted Tony’s shoulder. “Take care, Tony. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. You too. Have a safe trip, hope your car doesn’t break down.”
Bruce may have left on his car trip to his girlfriend, but Tony was left with “All I Want For Christmas Is You” stuck in his brain. He carefully worked his way through his data and coding, put his test robot through its paces, and struggled to get that Christmas song out of his mind for the next few hours. He checked his phone to see if Steve sent him anything or even called.
No denying that Bruce was right -- it was going to be his first Christmas without Steve since Steve bounced back into his life. Tony looked at the picture of the dinosaur sitting in a basket in a market in Mozambique. Then another photo of the dino in Steve’s hotel room there. If Steve were here, he’d be dragging Tony off to dinner somewhere, keeping him out of the lab. Maybe Tony should just admit to himself that he was missing Steve like hell.
Before Steve moved into his apartment, Tony had not seen Steve since that last afternoon back when they were fourteen and teen-prodigy Tony would be leaving the next day to go to MIT. He could still see skinny, bony, awkward Steve sitting in a chair in his father’s office, sketching in the ever-present sketchbook. Brash Tony pulled him out of the office and made him go to a restaurant where Tony showered him with food. They hung out in Central Park, rode the subways, and wandered around just spending time together. And they stayed out the rest of the afternoon and into the evening, to the point that Tony’s dad called to ask where they were. Tony could remember Steve in his ill-fitting clothes standing on the corner as Tony said goodbye. Tony felt disappointment as he put Steve into the cab for home and waved, feeling that maybe something was over or lost or maybe left unrealized.
So Tony went on to MIT to get his degrees all the way to his Ph.D and returned to New York for a position at Empire State while he started up his own company. Life went on. Along the way, he fell in love and broke up with girlfriends and boyfriends, lost his parents to a car accident, and found his last remaining plastic dinosaur, the green Apatosaurus, while unpacking his new apartment. He had managed to convince his friend Clint to move in with him but the third guy whom Tony had met at work fell through at the last minute.
In desperation Tony and Clint posted a roommate ad on Craig’s list. Clint interviewed one guy when Tony was at work and then announced to Tony that this unnamed guy would be their roommate. Before Tony could disembowel Clint for subletting to some guy he’d never met, Clint said that he was certain that the new guy was not an axe murderer and he was on his way over right then and Tony should just shut up about it and meet him.
Tony was convinced that of course Clint had found them an axe-murdering roommate despite his assurances. So when the guy knocked on the door, Tony answered with some trepidation. And was therefore completely shocked to find out it was Steve Rogers. Not the Steve he remembered, oh no, but a new and improved version, who after losing his mother, had gone to college, outgrown his asthma and filled out and put on inches and muscle, but was still at heart the same old Steve. Steve was now a handsome, underemployed art student looking for a decent place to live. Clint laughed at Tony, saying that Steve had told him that he was Tony’s childhood friend and Tony had tons of stories about Steve, so Clint figured it would work out somehow. That’s how after a long session of catching-up, Steve moved into the apartment and back into Tony’s life.
Tony thought a second about how gorgeous Steve was now at 26. Ok, maybe he might possibly have a slight crush on his lifelong friend. Although, who wouldn’t? Angels wept and gnashed their angelic teeth with jealousy over Steve’s good looks.
Sometime late the next morning, Tony woke up on the broken-down leather couch he and Bruce had pulled into the lab late one night last year. He ventured out into the cold New York weather to grab the largest coffee he could find along with a couple of donuts. Returning to the lab, he worked a few hours on tedious grant proposals, researched a possible patent, made more coffee, and tried to shake the chorus to “All I Want For Christmas Is You” out of his head.
What was more annoying was that there was nothing from Steve, who usually sent Tony a picture every other day from his trip or texted or emailed something once a day. This was the longest he’d gone not hearing from Steve since, well, their horrible fight before Steve left.
In the afternoon, Clint stopped by on his way out of town to somewhere hot and beachy. Tony bit his tongue before he asked whether Clint had heard from Steve. After some small talk about the weather, Clint’s plans, paying Clint’s bills and all, Tony, who had never been good at resisting impulses, sort of danced around asking Clint about Steve.
Figuring out Tony’s intentions, Clint rolled his eyes. “Why are you asking me about your boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Tony hissed. “Why is everyone saying that today?”
“Maybe because you have a big crush on the guy and never, ever shut up about him. Man, you jumped all over the poor guy when he mentioned that he was taking the Africa job.”
“Because he was being a complete idiot about it. That’s what friends do, they look out for each other.” Tony believed in the saying that there are friends who help you move, then there are friends who help you move dead bodies. Steve was that type of friend. Not only would he move the bodies, he’d help clean up, too. But he wouldn’t lie to the police though, because Steve had principles. “He didn’t even work out how much they were paying him.”
“Steve knew full well what he was getting into, Tony. You just didn’t want him to go, and what’s worse, you didn’t want to tell him why.”
“I’m not talking about this, I’ve got work to do,” Tony snipped.
Clint looked like he wanted to drink, a lot. “Fine, I’ll see you in a few days when I’m back.”
“Don’t get sand in your shorts,” Tony warned.
“Who said I’d be wearing clothes?” Clint teased as he left.
Ugh, now Tony would need to bleach that image from his mind. He checked his phone again. Nothing from Steve. Tony looked at the most recent picture of the traveling Apatosaurus, posed next to a camera and mike.
Steve did pick-up work as a cameraman for various friends’ film projects and held a series of temp jobs in order to support himself. Tony often felt bad for him because he barely had time to work on his art. Then a college friend of Steve’s, Peggy, called and offered Steve a six-month job on a documentary project she had in the works. The only catch was that the job was in Africa.
The last three years had been fantastic with Steve around. They did all sorts of things together, went to movies and baseball games, argued over takeout. Tony threw parties; Steve cleaned up. Tony made a mess of his life with too much alcohol and too many poor choices in men and women; Steve fixed up the messes and looked after Tony. They were inseparable, and their circle of friends treated them like a matched set. Only recently, Tony began to realize that he wasn’t sure where he ended sometimes and Steve began. But he knew for certain he was not in love with his best friend in the world. Not at all.
So Tony did not take Steve’s news well. The whole thing was ridiculous -- Steve going off on a six-month trip being paid slave wages to film a documentary in a dangerous part of the world. Steve argued something different, of course. He saw the trip as an opportunity to make some money, a great experience, and a possibility leading to better jobs. Tony yelled at Steve that he was being a complete and utter idiot about the whole thing and that he should turn the job down. But Tony had not counted on Steve’s sharp temper and stubbornness. They said terrible, hurtful things to each other that only lifelong friends could say. Clint fled the apartment on the second day of the ongoing, loud and increasingly nasty argument.
By the fourth day of the argument, Steve came calmly to Tony in his bedroom and stated that he was going whether Tony approved or not, and that Tony, even though he was a great friend, could not dictate to Steve what Steve did. Knowing he had lost, Tony said and did nothing. They hardly talked while Steve packed and made arrangements to be out of the country for a length of time. Tony never even noticed that Steve had packed the Apatosaurus.
Clint and Tony took Steve to the airport and said their goodbyes as they sent Steve off at the security gates. Tony lingered to see that Steve made it through Security and was well on his way. That night, a miserable and most likely drunk Tony opened his email and saw the picture of the Apatosaurus posed on Steve’s carry-on luggage. He melted a little inside at Steve’s offering of an olive branch.
Tony ordered pizza in and spent another night in the lab. He played his favorite metal songs, goofed around with the test robot, analyzed data, and drank a gallon or two of coffee. And checked his phone for messages from Steve far more often than he should have.
He understood his scientific data. And after analyzing his personal data he had to admit that maybe, just maybe, his friends were right and he did have a big crush on Steve. An epic, unrequited crush. In complete shock at his conclusions, Tony tried to put this revelation out of his mind.
Late on Christmas Eve morning, Tony was shaken awake by Associate Dean Phil Coulson. “Phil, can’t a man be left in peace in his own lab?” Tony joked wearily.
“Tony, we’re closing the building for Christmas. Dean Fury wants everyone out of here,” Phil said.
“Oh, come on, like we’re causing any problems by working in the labs.” Tony side-eyed the plainly dressed and authoritative Associate Dean.
“I’m giving you a half hour to wrap up your work. I’ve arranged for a car service to take you home at that time. I will taser you if I have to,” Phil stated in his usual no-nonsense fashion.
Tony grumbled and shuffled his way through the lab, backing up his work, downloading some files to take home, turning off his robot friend. He looked a true sorry mess by the time Phil came to collect him. Tony tried puppy-eyes persuasion on Phil, who turned out to be immune to Tony’s charm. Phil kindly shoved him into the car and wished Tony a Merry Christmas with a warning to not come back until after the holiday with an implied threat of something horrible hanging in the air if Tony attempted anything.
In his current state of mind, Tony appreciated how efficient and impersonal the car service was. Although the driver seemed addicted to Christmas music, especially pop Christmas music. So Tony was subjected yet again to “All I Want For Christmas Is You” during the trip to his Upper East Side apartment after he had managed to get it out of his mind.
For some reason, the lyrics to the song really hit him hard this time. Maybe it was the overtiredness from the extended lab work. Maybe it was because Steve had not emailed a new picture today. God, he loved those pictures, falling a little more in love with Steve with each new image. Maybe all he wanted for Christmas was Steve.
Tony sat bolt upright in the car seat. He could not be in love with Steve. It was not like that between them. Never could be. Steve never looked at him like that, especially after he snarled at Tony, “Why can’t you just be happy for me?”
He could never be happy for Steve over anything that took Steve away. That was a plain, honest fact of life. Tony worked himself to the bone working for Empire State and his own company because he did not want to admit how much he longed for Steve these past six months. Those pictures posted around his workstation? Not for his friends at all, but for Tony to remember Steve by daily.
Oh, God, he was in love with Steve after all. Had been probably nearly all his life, except for the four years before he met him.
The driver delivered Tony to his brownstone apartment and drove off after wishing him a Merry Christmas. Weary and jolted by the strength of his feelings, Tony made his way to the second-story apartment. He tried to remember if there was any alcohol left in the apartment after Clint’s blowout party from a few days ago. Alcohol could solve anything.
Once home, he settled down on the couch and checked his phone. Steve sent him a cryptic picture of the dinosaur in a santa hat at an unidentified airport. Tony could not figure it out. There was not a message or caption or anything with the picture, just the dino in a santa hat. He wondered where Steve found a santa hat sized for a plastic Apatosaurus in Africa. He wondered where the airport was. He wondered if Steve could ever feel for him the way he felt for Steve.
Tony sat rooted in the couch as years of denial about Steve crumbled around him. How could he not have seen how he felt about wonderful, smart, kind, amazing Steve? Steve, despite his faults, was the best thing to ever have happened to him. Who wouldn’t want someone that good in his life? Tony, apparently.
He eked out the rest of the day with the last two beers in the apartment, bad television shows, and frozen pizza. Then for some reason, he decided it would be best to sleep in Steve’s bed. It was the closest thing to Steve at that moment really, even though the pristine sheets, blankets and bedspread no longer smelt of Steve. He curled up around Steve’s pillow, wondering what it would be like with Steve in his arms, what it would be like to wake up to Steve’s smiles, only for him. Tony could not feel any more miserable.
When he woke up on Christmas, very much alone in Steve’s neat and empty room, Tony decided that he would tell Steve how he felt, no matter what the consequences. He loved Steve, had always loved Steve, and could not imagine ever not loving Steve.
Except that Steve was in Africa. Even that was not an obstacle. Tony would find a way to skype him, track him down with a satellite phone, fly out to him if he had to. He would tear the world apart to find Steve.
Humming “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” Tony spent the morning figuring out ways to contact Steve or make Steve actually call him. That’s when he got the second strange picture. This time the little green dinosaur wearing the santa hat was posed on a welcome mat. Which seemed altogether too familiar to Tony.
Just as it dawned on Tony exactly where he’d seen that mat (at his front door, no less), Steve burst through their door and swept Tony up into his arms. Without a word, Tony was being kissed by Steve and was kissing him back. It was amazing. World-altering. The best thing ever. Tony never wanted it to end. He could stand here in his living room until the end of days, holding tightly onto Steve, and kissing him passionately. He poured everything he felt into that kiss, a clash of lips, teeth and tongues.
Breathless at last, they stood, clinging to each other, holding as tightly as they could. Then Steve kissed Tony’s forehead, cheeks and chin and blurted out, “I love you, Tony. God, I’ve missed you. All I could think about the last two weeks was you and when I would see you.” He ran his hand through Tony’s brown hair, his forehead resting on Tony’s.
Tony managed to say finally, “All I’ve thought about is you.”
“We shouldn’t have fought like that before I left. I’ve regretted everything I said,” Steve whispered.
“No, don’t bring that all up ever again. I didn’t want you to go. And I couldn’t figure out why I felt that way,” Tony admitted. He pulled away to look into Steve’s steady blue eyes. “I love you too, Steve.” He never wanted to let Steve go, could go on forever just holding him.
Steve sighed deeply. And lifted Tony’s chin to kiss him again. “There’s so much I want to tell you.”
“We have all day. I’ve been locked out of the lab and no one is around to bother us. Tell me everything,” Tony replied. Preferably entwined on the couch, maybe in bed. He pulled Steve as close as he could. Then Steve’s stomach rumbled and they both started to laugh until their eyes filled with tears. “Yeah, okay, let’s get you something to eat first.”
An hour later, after food and a lot of talking, Tony found himself cozily perched on Steve’s lap, his head on his shoulder and Steve’s strong arms around him. “Tell me again when you realized you loved me.”
Steve kissed his head. “When I saw you watching me at Security at JFK, I knew then. Tony, if you had told me that you didn’t want me to go because you would miss me, I wouldn’t have gone.”
“I didn’t know then. I should have, but you know me -- ‘Mr. Oblivious.’ ”
Steve laughed. God, Tony loved how Steve laughed. He wanted to hear that again and again. Tony shifted to kiss Steve but Steve yelped in pain. He reached down and pulled the little green dinosaur out from the couch cushion. “Oh, that’s where you got to.”
Tony poked at the dino. “I never realized you took this with you.”
“He reminds me of you,” Steve said softly. “I needed something of you on this trip.”
“Well, considering how that dino brought us together …”
Steve’s eyes went wide. “You remember.”
“Of course. I remember everything, Steve, everything,” Tony replied passionately.
A year later, Tony taped a new photo on his workstation of the little green dinosaur in his own tux, next to a piece of wedding cake.
Title: All I Want For Christmas Is You
Rating: G
Universe: MCU
Warnings: none
From: neverever
Three days before Christmas and it was quiet throughout the labs in the engineering building at Empire State University. Until Tony Stark arrived for a work marathon in his lab, that is. The first thing he always did after stepping into his lab was crank up his music, today serving up a heaping plate of AC/DC. Then he settled in for a few long days of work. Best way to celebrate the holidays, really, Tony thought as he powered up his workstation and test robot.
Unexpectedly, Jane who had an office near his lab swung by with her latest intern. “Hey, Tony, here’s Darcy. She’ll be working with me next semester. Tony is one of the top research scientists here,” she explained to the undergraduate standing next to her.
Standing at a lab bench, Tony waved a wrench in their direction. “Hello. Don’t touch anything.”
“I heard that you like working here over the holidays,” Jane said.
“Yeah, pretty much. Great time to get some quality work in,” Tony replied. “Are you going to be around too?”
“I’ve got a plane to catch tonight. I’m joining my boyfriend Thor in Iceland until the start of next semester.”
Darcy wandered over to Tony’s workstation. “Hey, neat photos here. Come over and look at these, Jane.” Tony had nearly a dozen photos of a small green dinosaur taped around his monitors. The dinosaur had been photographed in a variety of settings, like an airport, a restaurant table, on a pile of rocks outside.
Tony hustled over and hovered behind Darcy. “Those were taken by my roommate, Steve. He’s in Mozambique right now.”
“Wow,” Darcy said. “Africa, huh?”
“He’s working as a cameraman for a film company shooting a documentary there,” Tony added. Steve for some reason had started sending these photographs to Tony shortly after he left for his trip. When Jane and Bruce asked him about seeing the latest photos, Tony had started printing them off to decorate their labs.
“Um, well, we’ll let you get back to work. I think Bruce is around here somewhere,” Jane said. She tugged at a reluctant Darcy’s sleeve to pull her away from the monitors.
Tony suggested that they look in the kitchenette around the corner. “Happy holidays,” Jane said cheerfully. “See you in January!”
Despite the loud music, Tony could just barely hear Darcy ask Jane, “Why did Tony get that weird look on his face when he mentioned Steve?”
“Oh, Tony just has a huge crush on Steve,” Jane replied. “But Tony doesn’t seem to know that he does. It’s really kind of tragic and sad.”
Later, when Tony paused to wait for the data from his robot trials, he started to wonder if maybe he did have a crush on Steve. He could not possibly have a crush on Steve, who was like his oldest friend in the world. Jane was completely wrong. Of course he missed his friend, who had been out of the country for nearly six months, and he had not heard from Steve for a couple of days. But he only missed Steve because he missed having someone to argue with about television, baseball and bad choices in breakfast cereal.
Their friendship had started when Tony met Steve in his father’s office. Dr. Howard Stark was one of the country’s leading pulmonologists and occasionally let 4-year-old Tony play quietly in his hospital office on Friday afternoons. His favorite office toy was a bucket of multi-colored plastic dinosaurs.
One afternoon, Howard asked him about the green dinosaur. “So is that the brontosaurus, Tony?”
“No, Dad,” Tony groaned. “It’s the Apatosaurus!”
Howard chuckled at him and ruffled his hair. The nurse interrupted to announce that Howard’s 3 o’clock appointment was there. The door opened and a nurse with a small blond boy the same age as Tony came in. “Sarah, this is a surprise,” Howard said warmly.
“Dr. Mathers suggested that I bring Stevie to see you. He’s been diagnosed with asthma and I’m hoping that we can do something for him.”
“Come on, Steve, hop up on the table and let’s take a listen to your lungs.”
Tony was fascinated with the very solemn child with the big blue eyes and terrible wheeze. While his father went through the usual tests, Tony pushed the green dinosaur into Steve’s hands. Steve smiled at him and moved the dinosaur like it was really walking across the examination table. “We’re finished, Steve, why don’t you go play with Tony while I talk to your mom?”
Steve’s mom was a nurse in the same hospital where Tony’s dad worked, so after that day Steve played with Tony when Steve had an appointment or when Tony was around. They quickly became inseparable best friends, two boys constantly adventuring around the hospital and other places. Steve even came for the occasional sleepover at Tony’s mansion. But Tony rarely saw Steve after Tony went off to boarding school.
Back at his workstation, Tony examined at the photo of the green dinosaur in the airport. It was the first photo Steve had sent after he left for Africa. Tony had been surprised when he opened his email to see the photo, since he and Steve had not parted on the best terms when Steve left. But Steve had sent the photo with a cheerful note about setting off on a great journey. Then he kept sending the notes with photos and later longer emails to Tony as if nothing had happened. Tony frowned for a second, trying to remember the last time he’d heard Steve’s deep voice.
“Hey, Tony,” Bruce said, startling Tony. “Jane said you were still here.”
“Yep, got a lot of work to do, Brucie. Big plans, big project, that sort of thing. Maybe I’ll even finish up some grant paperwork too if I’m desperate.” Tony cracked his knuckles.
Bruce pulled up a chair. “I’m headed down to Virginia to see Betty. Want to come?”
Tony smiled at his long-suffering labmate. Bruce liked it quiet; Tony did not. Bruce kept a clean and tidy lab bench; Tony did not. Bruce studied genetics; Tony applied science as it related to engineering. They had come to some agreements about their lab after Associate Dean Coulson made it clear that they had to share lab space, even if they were different disciplines. Tony came to love working with Bruce, despite the tea addiction. But he was not up for a ten-hour car ride with Bruce to visit his girlfriend, especially given Bruce’s small, junky car.
“Nah, I’m good here. See, I have coffee and vending machines in my empire.” Tony pointed to the coffee machine merrily percolating away.
Suddenly a Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” ringtone started to play. Bruce shot a guilty look at a smirking Tony and answered his phone. Tony turned back to working on his code while Bruce had a quick but intense conversation with Betty. Bruce hung up. “Betty thinks it would be great if you came down.”
“Betty is very sweet and it’s nice of you both to offer. Seriously, I am fine,” Tony repeated firmly.
“Yeah, but it’s your first Christmas in a long time without Steve.”
“Brucie, Steve and I aren’t joined at the hip. I’ve spent the holidays alone before and it’s okay. Really.” Tony was getting annoyed now. He spun around in his chair to face Bruce. “First Jane and now you. What gives?”
Bruce looked panic-stricken. “Um, ah, you know, I think you and Steve mean, ugh, more than friends to each other. If you know what I mean.”
Tony snorted. “I’ve known him since he was four, for cripes’ sake. We’ve lived together with other housemates for over three years. Please.”
Bruce sighed. “No one is so blind as he who will not see,” he said cryptically. He reached out and patted Tony’s shoulder. “Take care, Tony. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. You too. Have a safe trip, hope your car doesn’t break down.”
Bruce may have left on his car trip to his girlfriend, but Tony was left with “All I Want For Christmas Is You” stuck in his brain. He carefully worked his way through his data and coding, put his test robot through its paces, and struggled to get that Christmas song out of his mind for the next few hours. He checked his phone to see if Steve sent him anything or even called.
No denying that Bruce was right -- it was going to be his first Christmas without Steve since Steve bounced back into his life. Tony looked at the picture of the dinosaur sitting in a basket in a market in Mozambique. Then another photo of the dino in Steve’s hotel room there. If Steve were here, he’d be dragging Tony off to dinner somewhere, keeping him out of the lab. Maybe Tony should just admit to himself that he was missing Steve like hell.
Before Steve moved into his apartment, Tony had not seen Steve since that last afternoon back when they were fourteen and teen-prodigy Tony would be leaving the next day to go to MIT. He could still see skinny, bony, awkward Steve sitting in a chair in his father’s office, sketching in the ever-present sketchbook. Brash Tony pulled him out of the office and made him go to a restaurant where Tony showered him with food. They hung out in Central Park, rode the subways, and wandered around just spending time together. And they stayed out the rest of the afternoon and into the evening, to the point that Tony’s dad called to ask where they were. Tony could remember Steve in his ill-fitting clothes standing on the corner as Tony said goodbye. Tony felt disappointment as he put Steve into the cab for home and waved, feeling that maybe something was over or lost or maybe left unrealized.
So Tony went on to MIT to get his degrees all the way to his Ph.D and returned to New York for a position at Empire State while he started up his own company. Life went on. Along the way, he fell in love and broke up with girlfriends and boyfriends, lost his parents to a car accident, and found his last remaining plastic dinosaur, the green Apatosaurus, while unpacking his new apartment. He had managed to convince his friend Clint to move in with him but the third guy whom Tony had met at work fell through at the last minute.
In desperation Tony and Clint posted a roommate ad on Craig’s list. Clint interviewed one guy when Tony was at work and then announced to Tony that this unnamed guy would be their roommate. Before Tony could disembowel Clint for subletting to some guy he’d never met, Clint said that he was certain that the new guy was not an axe murderer and he was on his way over right then and Tony should just shut up about it and meet him.
Tony was convinced that of course Clint had found them an axe-murdering roommate despite his assurances. So when the guy knocked on the door, Tony answered with some trepidation. And was therefore completely shocked to find out it was Steve Rogers. Not the Steve he remembered, oh no, but a new and improved version, who after losing his mother, had gone to college, outgrown his asthma and filled out and put on inches and muscle, but was still at heart the same old Steve. Steve was now a handsome, underemployed art student looking for a decent place to live. Clint laughed at Tony, saying that Steve had told him that he was Tony’s childhood friend and Tony had tons of stories about Steve, so Clint figured it would work out somehow. That’s how after a long session of catching-up, Steve moved into the apartment and back into Tony’s life.
Tony thought a second about how gorgeous Steve was now at 26. Ok, maybe he might possibly have a slight crush on his lifelong friend. Although, who wouldn’t? Angels wept and gnashed their angelic teeth with jealousy over Steve’s good looks.
Sometime late the next morning, Tony woke up on the broken-down leather couch he and Bruce had pulled into the lab late one night last year. He ventured out into the cold New York weather to grab the largest coffee he could find along with a couple of donuts. Returning to the lab, he worked a few hours on tedious grant proposals, researched a possible patent, made more coffee, and tried to shake the chorus to “All I Want For Christmas Is You” out of his head.
What was more annoying was that there was nothing from Steve, who usually sent Tony a picture every other day from his trip or texted or emailed something once a day. This was the longest he’d gone not hearing from Steve since, well, their horrible fight before Steve left.
In the afternoon, Clint stopped by on his way out of town to somewhere hot and beachy. Tony bit his tongue before he asked whether Clint had heard from Steve. After some small talk about the weather, Clint’s plans, paying Clint’s bills and all, Tony, who had never been good at resisting impulses, sort of danced around asking Clint about Steve.
Figuring out Tony’s intentions, Clint rolled his eyes. “Why are you asking me about your boyfriend?”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” Tony hissed. “Why is everyone saying that today?”
“Maybe because you have a big crush on the guy and never, ever shut up about him. Man, you jumped all over the poor guy when he mentioned that he was taking the Africa job.”
“Because he was being a complete idiot about it. That’s what friends do, they look out for each other.” Tony believed in the saying that there are friends who help you move, then there are friends who help you move dead bodies. Steve was that type of friend. Not only would he move the bodies, he’d help clean up, too. But he wouldn’t lie to the police though, because Steve had principles. “He didn’t even work out how much they were paying him.”
“Steve knew full well what he was getting into, Tony. You just didn’t want him to go, and what’s worse, you didn’t want to tell him why.”
“I’m not talking about this, I’ve got work to do,” Tony snipped.
Clint looked like he wanted to drink, a lot. “Fine, I’ll see you in a few days when I’m back.”
“Don’t get sand in your shorts,” Tony warned.
“Who said I’d be wearing clothes?” Clint teased as he left.
Ugh, now Tony would need to bleach that image from his mind. He checked his phone again. Nothing from Steve. Tony looked at the most recent picture of the traveling Apatosaurus, posed next to a camera and mike.
Steve did pick-up work as a cameraman for various friends’ film projects and held a series of temp jobs in order to support himself. Tony often felt bad for him because he barely had time to work on his art. Then a college friend of Steve’s, Peggy, called and offered Steve a six-month job on a documentary project she had in the works. The only catch was that the job was in Africa.
The last three years had been fantastic with Steve around. They did all sorts of things together, went to movies and baseball games, argued over takeout. Tony threw parties; Steve cleaned up. Tony made a mess of his life with too much alcohol and too many poor choices in men and women; Steve fixed up the messes and looked after Tony. They were inseparable, and their circle of friends treated them like a matched set. Only recently, Tony began to realize that he wasn’t sure where he ended sometimes and Steve began. But he knew for certain he was not in love with his best friend in the world. Not at all.
So Tony did not take Steve’s news well. The whole thing was ridiculous -- Steve going off on a six-month trip being paid slave wages to film a documentary in a dangerous part of the world. Steve argued something different, of course. He saw the trip as an opportunity to make some money, a great experience, and a possibility leading to better jobs. Tony yelled at Steve that he was being a complete and utter idiot about the whole thing and that he should turn the job down. But Tony had not counted on Steve’s sharp temper and stubbornness. They said terrible, hurtful things to each other that only lifelong friends could say. Clint fled the apartment on the second day of the ongoing, loud and increasingly nasty argument.
By the fourth day of the argument, Steve came calmly to Tony in his bedroom and stated that he was going whether Tony approved or not, and that Tony, even though he was a great friend, could not dictate to Steve what Steve did. Knowing he had lost, Tony said and did nothing. They hardly talked while Steve packed and made arrangements to be out of the country for a length of time. Tony never even noticed that Steve had packed the Apatosaurus.
Clint and Tony took Steve to the airport and said their goodbyes as they sent Steve off at the security gates. Tony lingered to see that Steve made it through Security and was well on his way. That night, a miserable and most likely drunk Tony opened his email and saw the picture of the Apatosaurus posed on Steve’s carry-on luggage. He melted a little inside at Steve’s offering of an olive branch.
Tony ordered pizza in and spent another night in the lab. He played his favorite metal songs, goofed around with the test robot, analyzed data, and drank a gallon or two of coffee. And checked his phone for messages from Steve far more often than he should have.
He understood his scientific data. And after analyzing his personal data he had to admit that maybe, just maybe, his friends were right and he did have a big crush on Steve. An epic, unrequited crush. In complete shock at his conclusions, Tony tried to put this revelation out of his mind.
Late on Christmas Eve morning, Tony was shaken awake by Associate Dean Phil Coulson. “Phil, can’t a man be left in peace in his own lab?” Tony joked wearily.
“Tony, we’re closing the building for Christmas. Dean Fury wants everyone out of here,” Phil said.
“Oh, come on, like we’re causing any problems by working in the labs.” Tony side-eyed the plainly dressed and authoritative Associate Dean.
“I’m giving you a half hour to wrap up your work. I’ve arranged for a car service to take you home at that time. I will taser you if I have to,” Phil stated in his usual no-nonsense fashion.
Tony grumbled and shuffled his way through the lab, backing up his work, downloading some files to take home, turning off his robot friend. He looked a true sorry mess by the time Phil came to collect him. Tony tried puppy-eyes persuasion on Phil, who turned out to be immune to Tony’s charm. Phil kindly shoved him into the car and wished Tony a Merry Christmas with a warning to not come back until after the holiday with an implied threat of something horrible hanging in the air if Tony attempted anything.
In his current state of mind, Tony appreciated how efficient and impersonal the car service was. Although the driver seemed addicted to Christmas music, especially pop Christmas music. So Tony was subjected yet again to “All I Want For Christmas Is You” during the trip to his Upper East Side apartment after he had managed to get it out of his mind.
For some reason, the lyrics to the song really hit him hard this time. Maybe it was the overtiredness from the extended lab work. Maybe it was because Steve had not emailed a new picture today. God, he loved those pictures, falling a little more in love with Steve with each new image. Maybe all he wanted for Christmas was Steve.
Tony sat bolt upright in the car seat. He could not be in love with Steve. It was not like that between them. Never could be. Steve never looked at him like that, especially after he snarled at Tony, “Why can’t you just be happy for me?”
He could never be happy for Steve over anything that took Steve away. That was a plain, honest fact of life. Tony worked himself to the bone working for Empire State and his own company because he did not want to admit how much he longed for Steve these past six months. Those pictures posted around his workstation? Not for his friends at all, but for Tony to remember Steve by daily.
Oh, God, he was in love with Steve after all. Had been probably nearly all his life, except for the four years before he met him.
The driver delivered Tony to his brownstone apartment and drove off after wishing him a Merry Christmas. Weary and jolted by the strength of his feelings, Tony made his way to the second-story apartment. He tried to remember if there was any alcohol left in the apartment after Clint’s blowout party from a few days ago. Alcohol could solve anything.
Once home, he settled down on the couch and checked his phone. Steve sent him a cryptic picture of the dinosaur in a santa hat at an unidentified airport. Tony could not figure it out. There was not a message or caption or anything with the picture, just the dino in a santa hat. He wondered where Steve found a santa hat sized for a plastic Apatosaurus in Africa. He wondered where the airport was. He wondered if Steve could ever feel for him the way he felt for Steve.
Tony sat rooted in the couch as years of denial about Steve crumbled around him. How could he not have seen how he felt about wonderful, smart, kind, amazing Steve? Steve, despite his faults, was the best thing to ever have happened to him. Who wouldn’t want someone that good in his life? Tony, apparently.
He eked out the rest of the day with the last two beers in the apartment, bad television shows, and frozen pizza. Then for some reason, he decided it would be best to sleep in Steve’s bed. It was the closest thing to Steve at that moment really, even though the pristine sheets, blankets and bedspread no longer smelt of Steve. He curled up around Steve’s pillow, wondering what it would be like with Steve in his arms, what it would be like to wake up to Steve’s smiles, only for him. Tony could not feel any more miserable.
When he woke up on Christmas, very much alone in Steve’s neat and empty room, Tony decided that he would tell Steve how he felt, no matter what the consequences. He loved Steve, had always loved Steve, and could not imagine ever not loving Steve.
Except that Steve was in Africa. Even that was not an obstacle. Tony would find a way to skype him, track him down with a satellite phone, fly out to him if he had to. He would tear the world apart to find Steve.
Humming “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” Tony spent the morning figuring out ways to contact Steve or make Steve actually call him. That’s when he got the second strange picture. This time the little green dinosaur wearing the santa hat was posed on a welcome mat. Which seemed altogether too familiar to Tony.
Just as it dawned on Tony exactly where he’d seen that mat (at his front door, no less), Steve burst through their door and swept Tony up into his arms. Without a word, Tony was being kissed by Steve and was kissing him back. It was amazing. World-altering. The best thing ever. Tony never wanted it to end. He could stand here in his living room until the end of days, holding tightly onto Steve, and kissing him passionately. He poured everything he felt into that kiss, a clash of lips, teeth and tongues.
Breathless at last, they stood, clinging to each other, holding as tightly as they could. Then Steve kissed Tony’s forehead, cheeks and chin and blurted out, “I love you, Tony. God, I’ve missed you. All I could think about the last two weeks was you and when I would see you.” He ran his hand through Tony’s brown hair, his forehead resting on Tony’s.
Tony managed to say finally, “All I’ve thought about is you.”
“We shouldn’t have fought like that before I left. I’ve regretted everything I said,” Steve whispered.
“No, don’t bring that all up ever again. I didn’t want you to go. And I couldn’t figure out why I felt that way,” Tony admitted. He pulled away to look into Steve’s steady blue eyes. “I love you too, Steve.” He never wanted to let Steve go, could go on forever just holding him.
Steve sighed deeply. And lifted Tony’s chin to kiss him again. “There’s so much I want to tell you.”
“We have all day. I’ve been locked out of the lab and no one is around to bother us. Tell me everything,” Tony replied. Preferably entwined on the couch, maybe in bed. He pulled Steve as close as he could. Then Steve’s stomach rumbled and they both started to laugh until their eyes filled with tears. “Yeah, okay, let’s get you something to eat first.”
An hour later, after food and a lot of talking, Tony found himself cozily perched on Steve’s lap, his head on his shoulder and Steve’s strong arms around him. “Tell me again when you realized you loved me.”
Steve kissed his head. “When I saw you watching me at Security at JFK, I knew then. Tony, if you had told me that you didn’t want me to go because you would miss me, I wouldn’t have gone.”
“I didn’t know then. I should have, but you know me -- ‘Mr. Oblivious.’ ”
Steve laughed. God, Tony loved how Steve laughed. He wanted to hear that again and again. Tony shifted to kiss Steve but Steve yelped in pain. He reached down and pulled the little green dinosaur out from the couch cushion. “Oh, that’s where you got to.”
Tony poked at the dino. “I never realized you took this with you.”
“He reminds me of you,” Steve said softly. “I needed something of you on this trip.”
“Well, considering how that dino brought us together …”
Steve’s eyes went wide. “You remember.”
“Of course. I remember everything, Steve, everything,” Tony replied passionately.
A year later, Tony taped a new photo on his workstation of the little green dinosaur in his own tux, next to a piece of wedding cake.
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As you could probably guess, I heard "All I Want for Christmas for You" while writing this fic and couldn't shake it so it ended up in the fic as well.
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