cap_ironman | FIC: Horsing Around

Horsing Around (1059 words) by AnonEhouse
Rating: Gen
Warnings:None
Universe: MCU, AU- fluffy
Genre:Crack, Fluff

Steve and Tony intend to play frisbee in Central Park, but that plan goes astray when they discover Loki is having a family outing, too.
And Loki's family doesn't follow the rules.

A fill for the 'Magic Bite' square on my Bingo card.

Central Park is a nice, traditional place for a family picnic. Usually.

I defy anyone to enjoy a summer's outing with a gigantic wolf running around peeing on all the trees, while an even more enormous snake had chased all the ducks from the lake and a half-corpse woman was cheerfully telling people that they were going to die and be her subjects in Niflheim. The eight-legged horse cropping the grass and pooping everywhere was barely a nuisance in comparison.

The worst part was that Thor was with Loki, beaming, petting the animals and chatting with the half-corpse woman. They were all three wearing Family Reunion t-shirts and drinking mead.

Steve told Tony, "It's a public park. They're not doing anything wrong." He frowned.

"Loki is on the Most-Wanted List," Tony pointed out. "I could bust his ass if you just distract Thor and the menagerie."

"The Avengers aren't vigilantes, Tony. We don't have a mandate to arrest someone because of who they are."

"This isn't profiling, for Pete's sake! That's Loki!" Tony waved one armored hand. "We're not picking on him because he's a Frost Giant."

"We can't make a citizen's arrest without proof Loki's doing something illegal right now. It's not necessary and we can't justify it."

"I shouldn't have let JARVIS give you access to the law codes."

Steve glanced at Tony. "Even in wartime, there are rules of conduct."

Tony lifted up his faceplate and sighed. "Fine. Fine. Ok, so if Loki breaks a few rules, I get to bust his ass? Dogs aren't allowed off-leash, and they're not allowed in Sheep Meadow at all."

"That's a wolf. I'm not sure wild animals are covered by that statute. No one put the ducks on a leash, after all."

Tony narrowed his eyes. "You just don't want to spoil Thor's fun. I get that, but that's Loki."

"I need justification." Steve looked down at his shield. "I thought we were just going to have fun playing frisbee."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Look, that weird horse is crapping up Sheep Meadow, and I don't see Loki with a pooper scooper bag."

"We can't arrest him for that!"

"No? Oh, all right, but if you politely remind him of the law, maybe he'll give us an excuse."

"Fine. Fine, I'll do it." Steve stomped off, looking disgruntled, but still the All-American hero.

Tony yelled after him, "And they're drinking! No alcoholic beverages are allowed in the park!"

Steve looked over his shoulder at Tony. "Did that ever stop you?"

Tony grinned at Steve. "Maaaaybe. Go get 'em, Cap!" Tony used his repulsors on low power to lift him about ten feet into the air, just casually cruising in the vicinity. There weren't any crowds for cover, since all the sunbathers and picnickers had picked up their stuff and retreated. They were now standing around the edges of Sheep Meadow, watching Cap and Tony. Tony didn't want to let them down. He liked being a hero. Most of the time.

Steve went up to Thor and Loki. "Thor, I know you would like to obey the law here, so you won't mind if I point out a few things you might not know."

"Indeed, Captain." Thor had another swig of mead. "Would you care for some mead?"

"No, thanks. That, right there, is against the law."

"Mead is against the law?" Thor frowned. "How is this possible?"

"It's not mead in particular, it's just here. In this public park there are laws against drinking alcoholic beverages," Steve explained.

Loki rolled his eyes and then snapped his fingers. "Is there a prohibition against spiced apple cider?" The scent and color of the drink in their glasses and in the open jug had changed.

"No, apple cider's fine."

Behind Loki's back Tony made a 'go on' gesture.

Steve shrugged. "And there's also the matter of your pets."

"Pets? What pets?" Loki said. He sat up straight and his eyes glittered.

"You know, it's the law that you have to keep your animals under control, and pick up after them. Your horse..."

"Sleipnir is neither a horse, nor my pet," Loki said. He looked really angry, but Thor put his hand on Loki's arm and said, "Brother, you have promised to refrain from violence this day."

"I did not expect to be insulted!"

"OW!" Steve whirled around, hand going to his butt. "Your horse bit me!" He took a couple steps and then fell to his knees. "That... feels... very strange." His trousers split and fell off. So did his boots. Steve staggered to his feet, all four of them, and whirled in a circle, taking in the light tan body that stretched behind him, and the blond tail that switched into view. "WHAT?" He kept circling and staring at himself.

Tony landed and gaped at Steve. "Steve. You're... a centaur."

Loki fell against Thor, giggling. Thor frowned at Loki. "This isn't amusing, Loki. Remove the spell."

"It's not mine!" Loki wiggled his fingers at the eight-legged horse. "Sleipnir, come here, and tell me what you did."

The horse walked over to Loki and lowered its head as if whispering in Loki's ear. Loki giggled some more, and patted Sleipnir on the neck. "Well done, very appropriate, my dear." Loki turned to Steve. "Sleipnir was in a good mood. The transformation is temporary. He says you should walk a mile in his shoes to give you a proper appreciation for equines."

"I've got to run around in the park like this for a mile?" Steve gave Tony a dirty look. "This is all your fault."

"I didn't know magic was going to bite you in the ass!" Tony protested. "I'm sorry. It should have been me, all right?"

"Oh, well, in that case," Loki said. "This one is mine."

Tony yelped and fell to the ground. A moment later he picked himself up and looked down at his hairy brown legs, and nicely polished hooves. He was still wearing the armor on his human half. "Huh. A mile, right?"

"Yes," Loki said with a smirk.

"I still want to kick your ass," Tony said. He reared up in a prance, and then reached out and smacked Steve on the arm. "Tag, you're it!" And then took off at a run.

"Tony!" Steve shouted, and then ran after him.

Sleipnir beat them both.