cap_ironman | FIC: If it's Friday, it must be Iron Maniac

If it's Friday, it must be Iron Maniac (888 words) by AnonEhouse
Rating: Gen
Warnings:None
Universe: MCU
Genre:Humor, Crack

Tony's gone a little off the rails, but then, Fridays can do that to a person. The Avengers will take him down, somehow.

A fill for the 'Villain of the Day' square on my Bingo card.

Tony chortled gleefully as the warehouse exploded, sending body parts flying everywhere. He did a mid-air victory dance to the tune of 'Back in Black'.

"So much for the Avengers," he blasted over the suit's loudspeaker system. "I win! Bwahahahaha!"

"Curse you, foul villain!" Thor shouted. He flung Mjolnir at the hovering suit, but Tony had learned from the past, and he had infused adamantium in the chest plate. It sent him flying, but didn't hurt, while the blast back knocked Hawkeye, Black Widow, and Captain Rogers on their asses. Also, it diverted Mjolnir's flight path, so Thor had to leap up to catch it, and when he was off the ground, Tony blasted a hole for him to fall into, too narrow for him to swing Mjolnir for flight, and too deep to quickly climb.

"Nyah, nyah, nyah, I'm rubber, you're glue. What you throw at me bounces off and sticks to you!" Tony turned in mid-air and bent to give the Avengers a metal mooning.

Captain Rogers said, sternly, "Iron Maniac, come in peacefully. We can help you. I know you don't want to be like this." He picked up a shattered torso and shook his head. "Wanton destruction of crash-test dummies- isn't that beneath you?"

"They were ugly!" Tony repulsored the torso out of Rogers' hands, sending it flying through the air. "And Dum-E was jealous of them, because they have two arms. They HAD TO DIE! Bwahahahaha!"

Rogers' scowled under his cowl. "You're insane. It's the new suit. It's made you do terrible things."

"I AM IRON MANIAC!" Tony shouted. "And you're not." JARVIS beeped a warning. "HEY! Birdbrain, EMP arrows are NOT FAIR!" Tony repulsored Hawkeye's arrow in mid-air, the glare calculated to temporarily blind Hawkeye. "Try that again and I'll be PEEVED! You don't want to see me when I'm peeved!"

"TONY!" Captain Rogers shouted, "Please! Don't force my hand."

"Why not? What can you do, Spangles? Bring it, I dare you!"

"I warned you. HULK, GET HIM!"

Hulk growled and leaped, snagging Iron Maniac around the waist and dragging him to the ground. "HULK CATCH. HULK SMASH?"

"NO!" Rogers shouted. "Remember, it's Tony! Even if he is a maniac."

"HULK KNOW." Hulk frowned. "IRON MANIAC GIVE UP?"

"Sure thing, Avocado. Give us a make-up kiss?" The face plate lifted on Tony's suit. Hulk opened his mouth, and a small object flew from the helmet, straight down Hulk's throat. Hulk coughed, made a whining noise, let go of the suit and slumped over, asleep, and turning back into Bruce Banner.

Tony snapped the helmet back down and jetted up a few feet. "And that, lady and gentlemen, is how you pill a Hulk. He's easier than a cat, actually. You are all too easy! Suckers! Bwahahaha!"

"Stark," Black Widow said, "If you 'bwahahaha' once more, I will make you regret it."

"Would it sound better in Latin? Ahahahabway! Ok, so it's Pig Latin, close enough."

While Black Widow distracted him, Captain Rogers sneaked up and jumped onto the back of the suit, wrapping his arms around, and searching for the emergency shutdown mechanisms that Tony had told him about, back when they were friends.

"YIKES!" Tony yelled. "Hang onto your suspenders, Cap!" He jetted up really high in a few seconds. "We don't want to hurt each other, do we, dear? Knock my suit out of commission and we're both for the long drop."

Rogers said, "Do you remember the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog?"

"No, not really. I was never big on the humanities."

"The scorpion asked the frog to ferry him across a stream."

"Gotcha, give a buddy a ride." Tony squirmed, but he couldn't blast Rogers off without hitting himself.

"The frog agreed, knowing that if the scorpion stung him, it would die, too."

"That's logical." Tony tried a loop-the-loop, but Rogers clung like a burr.

Rogers wrapped his arms and legs around the suit, and hit the shut-off mechanism. "The scorpion stung the frog."

"YOU'RE CRAZY!" Tony yelled, trying to restart and failing because Rogers KEPT hitting the shut off. He flailed wildly.

"Yep! Couldn't help it, it's the way I am!" Steve released the parachute he'd been wearing, hidden by his shield. It jerked them both to a halt.

"Huh. Ok, you win." Tony sighed. "I surrender. Uncle."

"You let yourself get distracted," Steve told him as they drifted towards the ground.

"Uh huh. You were wearing the new uniform. It shows off your ass even more than the old one. That really was unfair."

"When you have known weaknesses, your enemies will take advantage."

"Can we not do the lecture? I vote for no lecture."

"You lost, I get to pick apart your performance."

"I thought I did pretty good!"

"You did, and I'm going to talk to the others about their performances, too. You haven't left me much to work with when it's my turn to play villain."

Tony was slightly mollified. "I'm a hard act to follow."

"I could have done with less of the 'bwahahaha'."

Tony huffed. "That was the best part."

"If you say so." Their boots hit the ground and Steve hopped off. "All right, people, evaluation time!"

Tony slung an arm around Steve's shoulders. "He loved the 'Bwahahaha'."

Steve rolled his eyes. "You keep telling yourself that, Tony."