S.H.I.E.L.D. APPROVES THIS FIC

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

Rating: NC-17 yup.
Summary: A PSA on Safe..... something?
Authors: Myself and pandanoai who is completely responsible for all the naughty bits, I mean look at our track records between me and her which would you  think wrote the smut? ^_~

S.H.I.E.L.D approves this message so pay close attention or Nick Fury will be having words with you punks.

Tony: What's this for?
Steve: It's an anti-drug PSA for the youth of AMERICA!

Tony: Did you have to shout?
Steve: I wasn't shouting... this is important though Stark so get serious. We should tell AMERICA that drugs are--
Tony: You did it again! And yeah drugs are fun.
Steve: * stern look *
Tony: Uh... fun in moderation? Oh! And not all drugs! Seriously people... just stay away from opium, you don't want to be like the Mandarin do you? (he thinks his rings have special powers)
Steve: Why did I get partnered with him?
Tony: Who are you talking to?
Steve: Anyway... youth of AMERICA I just wanted to let you know that you can be above peer pressure! You don't have to do drugs to fit in and feel self-confident!
Tony: Didn't you take a drug to get all buff Captain America?
Steve: * looks around * SHUT UP! (you said he wouldn't mention that!)
Tony: WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

Tony: I think that "super solider serum" (they call it steroids on the street) did something to your mind Rogers...

Steve: My mind is as clear and sweet as Apple Pie!

Tony: uhh, Apple pie is actually not very clear and it's level of sweet versus tart is dependant upon the choice of apple used in the filling.

Steve: Well, AMERICA clean living and Love is all you need for a healthy lifestyle.

Tony: hmm I dunno there are alot of forms of love I would need from time to time that might slip into the dirtier side of things Cap.

Not to mention all of the sex enhancement drugs out there.. for example there was this one time Rhodey slipped me some E at a party-

Steve (whispering): Rhodey ? Uhh what exactly is e?

Tony (whips out bag)- this is E, it is short for ecstasy, the drug name is pretty self explanatory I would think. I'm pretty sure I spent most of that night fondling Rhodey's uniform jacket.

Steve: Please don't tell me he was in it?

Tony:Fine I won't, but the jacket seemed very responsive I'll have you know...

Steve: The PSA... we need to, I mean- this needs to end. You and Rhodey cannot see each other- EVER.

Tony: Aww, you're jealous!

Steve (blushing).- no

Tony: well I do agree about ending the PSA on a high note so (pops cap on champagne bottle )

.... *pours two glasses *

Tony: Here's to clean living, cheers! * Cap and Tony tap glasses *

-that is a wrap-

Steve: Hey Tony, I think we may need to reshoot the PSA.

Tony:Why?

Steve: I dunno if we were clear about our message and now that I am thinking about it I shouldn't have shared that glass of wine with you...or that scotch,and the rum afterward and trying that e-pill was probably not a good move.

Tony: life is all about experimentation and living to the fullest.

Steve: I'm starting to feel full of something, you know I love you right?and your hair is foppy, and you have face-hair and shiny, soft... hugs please?

-Tony leans over and gently hugs Steve -


 Steve: Yeah so I was thinking maybe we aren't the best people to do a PSA about drugs...Maybe we could do one about safe sex, I know all sorts of things, I've been around, I know stuff.

Steve felt giddily happy as he reached over to his employer and friend of many years.

Steve: As all red-blooded AMERICAN boys will learn the first thing you need to perfect the art of kissing. How well you hold yourself in that first kiss can determine how far you will get with your chosen partner. Know yourself and your strengths going in and never second guess yourself. Insecurity is a risky ploy, the best thing to do it get em with all you got until their mind is hazy and their knees are weak and they are begging you for more. THAT is when you know you've got it right.

Steve bent over and cusped his hands to either side of Tony's face before engulfing him in a passionate kiss, caressing every inch of the caverns of his friends mouth. Shortly into it however his hands slipped from his friends face and began touching all the various surfaces of Tony's clothes and exposed pieces of skin.

Just as the hands began slipping in and around his belt in an obscene manner Tony disengaged from the kiss.

Tony: Partnerships should be about equality, the knowledge of when it is right for you and your partner. Sex, just like day to uhhh ooooh Steve mmm activities should be balanced. You should be careful about people who try to control you, or seek to exploit your vulnerabilities.

Steve: Once we get those pants off I can show you how well I can control your vulnerabilities.

Tony: * as he undoes his shirt slowly and cues Steve to do the same * One should remember in sex that while hard and fast has it's place, the most fulfilling-

Steve: ooh I know what I want fillin-

Tony: Steve! * bats Steves hand away* As I was saying, the best sex is slow and sensual. Foreplay is a key part of that. While dropping your pants and getting sucked off has some instant gratification, taking your time and doing it right is the best method to orgasm.

Steve: Foreplay? I can do that!

Pressing forward Steve reached out for Tony's chest.

Dusting his fingers across the nipples and patches of hair he then lightly pinched them and then began lightly laving them with his tongue before pulling away and blowing on them lightly. The sticky warmth of his mouth and comparitive coolness of breath made Tony shiver.

Steve: The nipples are a great place to start with a man or a woman, harden them up until your lover is begging for your attention elsewhere. Remember though it is a sensitive region so always make sure you know your partners limits in terms of pain/pleasure.

Tony reached out and pressed his groin into Steve's knocking them both to the ground.

Tony: Now, another important thing is to make sure your sex is safe. With girls that means condoms and the pill and for us it just means the pill.

Steve: * giggling * Yup, definatly on that! Let's go, pants off!

Tony and Steve abandoned their pants because nobody really cares about those anyway. They stopped at the underwear though.

Steve: I um well never expected.

Tony: I know, I mean I always pictured you as a tighty-whiteys sort.

Steve: Yeah I always pictured you commando, or like in a thong. I have to say in my case I'm a bit disappointed.

Tony: I'm not, that is one sweet banana hammock Steve.

Steve: * grinning wickedly * I know.

Tony leaned down and slipped off his underwear as he went to inspect Steve's well packaged goods. The silky pattern of his shield was slippery against his tongue and the material was thin enough to let the precome and musk of the man beneath come through.

Steve:ahh oh, Tony I want you all over in out whatever, get off.

Tony smiling impishly removed himself from Steve.

Steve: I meant get the underwear off.

Tony: Oooooh, well now that they are perhaps we could discuss the in and out a little more?

Do you want me to put my Ironman into your shield?

I could show you how I fly?

Steve: with copious amounts of Rocket fuel.

Tony: All I would need to do is fuel you up. Except I dunno what to do it with, it is not like I carry lube with me everywhere I go.

Steve: Wha? You DON'T? Fine I have some petroleum jelly in my belt pouch.

Tony: Why?

Steve: Okay, first off I wear LEATHER FOR AMERICA. Plus I use it to buff up my shield, it makes it shiny.

Tony applied liberal amounts of petroleum jelly to his fingers and cock.

Tony: Ok, now at this stage the mechanics change, if it is a girl and she is wet smooth sailing slip in and out repeat with some variations of thrust... if something makes her happy moan/squeal do that again and again and your good. But if you are with a man, lube is your happy friend. It makes it so everything fits together more snugly. First insert one finger into the ass of your partner. Then move it around get it good and acquainted and when you both think it has had enough time to get used to the first finger, introduce the second let it say hello by making a peace sign or something similar- again watch for the comfort of your partner... generally you go for a third finger but inbetween Steve's moans I think I heard some threats about clenching and breaking my already entered fingers if I don't remove them and replace them with my cock. With his relative strength I totally believe this is possible and anyways, Mr. Stark is getting twitchy with anticipation.

Tony Slipped into his now Lover and began to slowly edge himself in and out

Tony: when you first enter it is important to give yourself and your partner time to ahhhhdjust and-

Steve: for the LOVE OF AMERICA MOOOOOOOOVE!

The two lost track of their words and fell into gutteral moans and screams of pleasure, Steve hugging Tony into him while thrusting himself back onto Tony's member. However-

Tony: Steve. Ohhh oh god you are so tight, and is that, Steve is that camera on?

Steve: I uuuuuh ooh god more, faster.... I need to touch, I need to comee huh, oh the buttons were cold and smooth and I only pressed a mmmmmm few of them.

Tony: I'll use extremis and cheeeheck, Steve you set it to live feed!!!!

Steve: you mean all of AMERICA is watching us have sex.

Tony: well that or American Idolatry

Steve: Oh, then they are so watching us and Oh God I am coming!!!!!! YOU FEEL LIKE AMERICA!!!

Tony: Oh you mean like Capitolism? Ohhh, oh that did it, I-ooh Steve we, I need to say something before I -uh- I ohh god, STAY IN SCHOOOOOOOOL!

A moment later...

Steve: you could have used Extremis to shut off the live feed when we noticed it.

Tony: but then they would have missed the best part.

Steve nuzzling into Tony's shoulder

Steve: I always thought the cuddling after was the best.

Tony: Yeah, but only for the two involved.

Somewhere ELSE:

Nick Fury leans back with a smile. This is the AMERICA he lives to protect.

Comments

~

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

Oh wow I love you Pandanoai, you write the best sexy scenes EVAH!
:: heh, try to proclaim your innocence now ::

*smiles at her diabolical/scheming ways. *

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

"by the unflappable Lan."
- Oooh Does this come with some sort of superpowers? You know like the amazing,spectacularly sensational Spiderman or everloving Hulk?

Your Conflict leaves me giggling insanely.

Well, the pill is very important, men need to be careful- who knows what would happen if one got knocked up?

Bad Puns are a way of life, especially comic book characters lives.

School is very important, and it is a great place to meet people.

If you only remember one thing about this;
REMEMBER ALL I DO, I DO FOR LOVE OF AMERICA - just a little further North than where Cap is generally referring to.

This isn't so much a PSA as a HOW TO Video

[pandanoai.livejournal.com]

I uh.... ummm ::dies a little::
OK seriously people! You all know me right!? I'm sweet, innocent, and only implied head in a cute action figure context D:

I take full responsibility for up to Apple Pie but i must admit that the rest could only have been thought up by the unflappable Lan.

That being said... LAN I LOVE YOU AND I HATE YOU! ::so conflicted::
I love how Steve only thinks he's in charge and Tony is easily pushing him around. I love "slightly on e" Steve and the way he talks: your hair is floppy, and you have face-hair LMAO

just the pill ::facepalm::

Do you want me to put my Ironman into your shield?
I could show you how I fly?
::jawdrop:: i can't believe you... no wait... YES I CAN BELIEVE you said that...

first off I wear LEATHER FOR AMERICA. And you FEEL LIKE AMERICA--- yeah... gonna say A+

And yeah kids... Stay in School.... *headdesk*

WOOOT I CAN SEE THE IMMEDIATE FUTURE!

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

YES, I so totally do have Powers now... PRECOGNITION for the WIN. I replied before you posted- everyone just ignore the line that says deleted post- it means nothing!

HEY SAM

[hempfandango.livejournal.com]

"Nick Fury: Voyeur" might cause more harm than good, I think.

Re: HEY SAM

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

I dunno, I'm pretty sure Voyeurism is mandatory for being Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. or pretty much anything else.

[anonymiss731.livejournal.com]

YOU FEEL LIKE AMERICA!!!

Holy crap, I laughed so hard I went into a coughing fit. Never before has a sex scene been that awesomely funny.

[pandanoai.livejournal.com]

you are the best person ever!

-- and yes yes Lan is awesome yaddah yaddah

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your compliments... but couldn't you have laughed harder, you know enough that you couldn't type? It isn't that I don't love you forever for reviewing but now I owe panda a prompt for losing our bet. *pouts*

[kagerune.livejournal.com]

Lol still twitching and shaking. And hyperventilating.

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

*gleeeeeeee* Then we have you right where we want you! MUAHAHHAHAHAHahhaaaaaa

[runenklinge.livejournal.com]

kdjfvnksjdbvkjsevkes

My poor brain has suffered so much the last days, it gets melten and broken all over again...

Great! Now I have a big ridiculous smile plastered to my face, thanks to you^^

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

*REFREEZES RUNE'S BRAIN* There you go good as new, and it would make a nice gelato too.

We aim to please ourselves
^_^

Also remember to tell Pandanoai how much you appreciated her skillful porn writing and encourage her to write more *nods*

[gestalt1.livejournal.com]

The crack! The crack! Oodles and oodles of delicious crack!!! *dies with a rictus grin of squee*

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

Crack is a very special form expressing one's love in fandom and Panda and I are pleased to serve it to you, especially Panda and her Pr0n. ^_^

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

OMG, Steve wears Leather for America! *dies* I'd quote back my favorite bit, but then I'd end up copy-pasting the entire thing.

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

Panda and I are quite pleased then. The run-on bolded America was Panda's bit... as were the naughty things ^_~

[winhall.livejournal.com]

I wear LEATHER FOR AMERICA. Plus I use it to buff up my shield, it makes it shiny.

Shiny. America.
Please note that I laughed hysterically while reaidng this, thus making the rest of my family think I'm insane. But that might not be news to them, so whatever.
You. ROCK.

Also, on the topic of AMERICA: You don't happen to know Yu-Gi-Oh! - The Abridged series? Because the first episodes feature a character (Bandit Keith) repeatedly using the phrase "in America" or versions of it, and when he did it made almost as much sense as when Steve did it in this story.

In other news, I can't help but notice that with the amount of AMERICA in this fic, Stephen Colbert would surely approve, were it not for the even bigger amount of . XD

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

^_____^ We rocks the hardcorez!

and yes, yes- but it started in this one mainly because Panda put it in the fic first.

I <3 Stephen Colbert! I even attended Stephen Colbert Day.

[pandanoai.livejournal.com]

Ah- Stephen! Reminds me of this: http://hackthis.livejournal.com/485950.html

Also-- you forget how gay he was on Strangers with Candy :P

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I love that AMERICA is always in caps and bold. *grins* And the Monty Python style "sex education" scene!

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

The Caps is panda's thing and I will pass the love over- and you caught that!? Oh John Cleese.... I thought I kept it different enough which was why I opted out of live studio audience.

[pensive]

omg this was made of so much AMERICAN awesome.

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

^___^ Thanks so much for the review
::FROM THE CANADIAN:: Panda and I had a ball writing this one back and forth and it 'cleaned' up ok. ^_^ ... the dirty parts were mainly Panda *nods*