Drabble- PG-13- The Flaws of Iron Men

[pandanoai.livejournal.com]

Title: The Flaws of Iron Men
Author: pandanoai
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Marvel's
Summary: There's a slow serpent made of guilt that tightens around Tony's perfect heart. (ooooo feel the angst! :D)
Notes: Drabble (poem?) for axolotl_lan cuz she's made of awesome (and noodles). Set during the Secret Invasion. *spoilers in comments*

Hero.
The word strikes invisible blows to my mind.
It hurts more than a word should.
                Lift up your chest that's caving.
But it's not just a word. Not to me.
I've dedicated a lifetime to be worthy of it.
Something he did so naturally.
It's slipping through my grasp.
And I was holding on so tightly too...
                Straighten your neck that's breaking.
Too tight.
Always too tight.
My mouth is going numb.
Was I a hero? Truly?
Or did I just do some heroic things?
                Beat that heart that's bleeding.
I can't tell anymore.
Or maybe I never really knew.
There's a lazy serpent made of guilt around me all the time.
It tightens.
               Cherish your soul that's fading.
You never know how you're going to look through other people's eyes.
I liked the way he used to see me.
                Greet the day.

Comments

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

*loves* I've been half-writing angsty Tony & Steve poetry in my head for a year now - I guess great minds think alike ^_^.

You never know how you're going to look through other people's eyes.
I liked the way he used to see me.

I love this bit particularly, and I especially like the way you've arranged this with the italicized lines intercut through it - it's very effective visually. Also the repetition in "too tight/always too tight" which could mean either the desperation with which Tony is holding on, or the crushing grip of the guilt-serpent from the next stanza.

(something he did so naturally)

I love this - the first introduction of Tony's guilt/grief into the poem, and I love how Steve is never mentioned by name, because there's only one "he" it could possibly be. I think this bit might even deserve its own line.

If I were going to offer any constructive crit (because four years of creative writing workshops are a hard habit to break), I'd only have one tiny suggestions (well, two counting giving the first mention of Steve its own line):

The word strikes invisible blows to my mind might be a little punchier if you cut the "to my mind" and just left it as "the word strikes invisible blows."

[pandanoai.livejournal.com]

I've been half-writing angsty Tony & Steve poetry
--- :O do want! so very do want :D

i'm glad you understood the desperation and guilt being interconnected and tied together by the gripping and the snake :D

there IS only one person tony could be talking about and you're right that it deserves its own line. i looked back at it and it feels better when tony pauses more to think of steve.

thank you so much for the con/crit and for commenting on this little poem. it was feeling a bit ignored :P

I just felt that since tony thinks he may be a skrull he'd be thinking of what he is and if it was all just a lie-- that he was never a hero and all of his memories aren't his to keep. not even his memories of steve. it brought out VERY angsty vibes from me ^___^