ext_101706 (![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
smilingskull.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
cap_ironman2008-11-05 07:05 pm
smilingskull.livejournal.com) wrote in cap_ironman2008-11-05 07:05 pm
Entry tags:
Crack!fic - I, For One, Welcome Our New Stree Overlord
I could try to explain this, but I have no idea if that would help. Basically, this is pure, utter, undiluted crack of the highest order (and then some). It's the Avengers on Gone With the Wind and 60's comics and a lot of drugs and probably something else I'm missing. You could try going here (kinda-ish NSFW), but really it has very little to do with the fic at this point and is just a hilarious website.
ANYWAY. CRACK. Presented by yours truly and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
th3newblack. All art attached (did I mention it comes with fun illustrations?) is done by her genius. (The title? The best we could come up with.)
Title: I, For One, Welcome Our New Stree Overlord
Paring: Steve/Tony, plus a side of Hank/Jan.
Rating: NC-17? It's so goofy I'm tempted to just call it R, but still. There's sex.
Warnings: The mentioned crack, sex, crack, wilting flower!Tony, crack, questionable medicine, crack.
Summary: Tony has some medical issues that can only be fixed bysex the power of love.
The first thing that Tony finds when he ambles into the kitchen is a post-it not covering a pack of something in the middle of the island. He picks up the post-it note, and tries to read it, but it’s written in an incredibly messy scrawl that takes him a few moments to decipher. It’s got to be Hank’s handwriting.
The note reads:
“Considering your status as ‘consummate playboy’, I thought you might enjoy them. Jan found them at the corner market – evidently the grocer swears by them.”
The packet has two pills in it – but it’s unmarked. He has no idea what the heck they are, but he might as well try them. It’s a Saturday after all, and he’s got nothing else to do besides be dashingly handsome and intelligent. He may as well try something new.
“Worse things have happened in my life.” He sighs, and, making his way to the coffee pot, is quite pleased to see that Pepper must have already been here – there’s freshly brewed coffee in the pot. Pouring himself a cup, he gives the pills a final once over before popping them in his mouth and washing them down with a sip of his incredibly overpriced Brazilian coffee.
When nothing happens, he shrugs in a rather dejected manner and shuffles through the Times, neatly laid out on the counter, when Steve comes in. His hair is still dripping wet from a shower, and as soon as Tony lays his eyes on the incredibly fit man, he can feel his heart speed up a bit.
“Good morning, Tony.” Steve smiles, and Tony offers a smile back, taking a long sip of coffee. He’s not sure if it’s Steve or the coffee, but his heart is now racing, and he feels slightly short of breath.
“Are you alright?” Steve sounds worried, and he comes around to where Tony’s standing. Tony waves him off, using the counter for support.
“Yes, I’m fine, I’m just a bit short of breath. I must need sit down, the coffee was rather strong this morning-“ And then his legs go out from under him, and he collapses, all dressing gown and silk pajama pants. Steve, luckily, manages to reach out and catch the man, falling to his knees with Tony in his arms.
“Tony!” Steve cries, and hugs him closer to his chest. “Oh my gosh, are you-“
“My heart.” Tony says weakly, throwing an arm over his eyes. “I think something’s gone wrong.” He coughs, and Steve looks around with fear in his eyes, looking for a phone to call an ambulance with.
Tony’s eyes flutter shut, and Steve gasps, shakes the other man by one shoulder.
“Tony! Tony, wake up!” He’s on the verge of tears; he can’t loose Tony like this! He needs a phone-
This is exactly the moment Hank and Jan choose to walk in, and when they see him, they both come running over.
“Hank, call the hospital!” Steve orders as Jan drops down besides Steve, soothing Tony’s brow with a worried hand.
“Of course!” Hank nods, and rushes into the hallway, and a moment later they can hear him ringing for an ambulance.
“What’s wrong with him?” Jan asks, her voice shaky and her eyes tearing up.
“I don’t know, he said something about his heart. Oh Jan, what if I – we – loose him?” Steve hugs Tony’s frail body to his, can barely feel a pulse.
“We won’t!” Jan looks like she’s about to start sobbing. “Oh god, Hank! Hank! Where’s the ambulance!?” She runs out into the hall, after Hank, her face in her hands. She can’t bear to see Tony like that.
“Oh Tony, you can’t die.” Steve says softly, bending down to kiss Tony’s forehead. “I’ve kept quite for so long, you can’t die before I’ve had a chance to speak my mind, to tell you how I really feel about you-!”
Tony’s eyes choose this incredibly melodramatic moment to flutter open, long lashes veiling his eyes. He takes a deep shaky breath, and grabs Steve by the shoulder. Steve nearly jumps, as if he’s seeing a ghost back from the dead. Tony’s eyes are burning with… is that passion?
“The pills! It must have been the pills!” He gasps. “They’re too much for my weak heart.”
“What pills?” Steve asks hurriedly. “You’re not on any pills, Tony. Oh, no. Please, Tony. Please tell me you haven’t fallen prey to that now, too! One addiction is enough.” He’s practically begging, and what Tony says next is not what he expected.
“My only addiction is you.” He grows, that same spark of passion almost blinding in his eyes. “The pills, the note, I see it all now, it was an aphrodisiac! Of course!”
He looks Steve right in the eyes. “Take me here. Now. The effects have to wear off so that my heart can return to normal.”
Steve’s breathing hitches, and he shakes his head, feels his body start to grow hot with arousal.
“No, you’re not in your right mind, how could I? How could we?” He’s almost gasping for breath like Tony was only a moment ago, and with Tony so close to him, in his lap, he can feel the heat of his body.
“I am in my right mind.” Tony’s voice is deep and husky, and it makes Steve shiver.
“Hank and Jan are right in the hallway.” Steve has no Earthly idea why he’s protesting to high Heaven, he has the love of his life in his arms, begging to be made love to on the kitchen floor.
“I highly doubt they’ll come back in.” Tony says this like he knows, for certain, and surges forward, kisses Steve as if it is in life that matters. “Please Steve. Do this for me- for my heart. Take me now.”
Before Steve knows it he has ripped off Tony’s smoking jacket and thrown it into the corner, leaving Tony prone and bare on the floor, writhing like a cheap whore in silk pajama bottoms.
“Oh Steve!” He cries and Steve straddles him, holding him to the floor.
“I’m not hurting you, am I?” Steve asks, bending to kiss Tony again, tongues tangling in a tango of lust.
“Never.” Tony moans, thrusting against Steve. Steve manages to free both of them of their pants, and grinds against Tony in a most sinful movement.
“Steve, my God, Steve!” Tony cries out, nearly sobbing with want.
“Patience.” Steve coos, and carefully sits back, lifting Tony by the hips. “Are you ready?”
“Always.” Tony props himself up on his elbows and cries out in pure ecstasy as Steve lowers Tony’s hips onto his throbbing member. He pulls Tony into his lap, meeting his bright blue eyes with this own, speaking of lust and love without saying a word.
Steve thrusts up into Tony, who arches his back, yelling and panting and begging Steve to fill him, drive him to bliss.
“Oh more, Steve! More!” He cries, his lips parted and his breath no more than panting moans. When he finally spills to completion he does so sobbing Steve’s name, and then collapses against him, breathing hard.
“Are you alright?” Steve asks worriedly, holding Tony up by the arms.
“Better than.” He sighs, cupping Steve’s face in his hands, as if holding a delicate piece of art.
“Are you going to have all the fun, or are you going to let us join?” Hank and Jan have suddenly appeared, both looking smug and rather thrilled with themselves.
Steve sputters and Tony just remains impassive, still trying to catch his breath.
“The pills worked rather well.” Jan says. “Although we didn’t mean to give you a heart attack.” The softness in her eyes speaks the truth.
“You really want to join?” Tony looks rather taken aback. “Well, if there’s too be an orgy on the kitchen floor, I’ll be the last person to stop you. Oh, and never mind the heart attack. Steve’s made sure I’m much better.”
He locks eyes with Steve once more, who smiles like he’s face to face with an old lover, bundled up in his arms.
“That I have.” Steve says magnificently, and capture’s Tony’s swollen lips in another long kiss.
“What was the name of those pills?” Tony asks as Jan and Hank join the party.
“Oh, Stree Overlord or something of that sort.” Jan says flippantly, dropping her tight, black dress like it was made to come off.
“I’ll have to remember that.” Hank smiles. “So, orgy on the kitchen floor, then?”
“Absolutely.” Tony and Steve agree.
THE END
ANYWAY. CRACK. Presented by yours truly and
th3newblack. All art attached (did I mention it comes with fun illustrations?) is done by her genius. (The title? The best we could come up with.)Title: I, For One, Welcome Our New Stree Overlord
Paring: Steve/Tony, plus a side of Hank/Jan.
Rating: NC-17? It's so goofy I'm tempted to just call it R, but still. There's sex.
Warnings: The mentioned crack, sex, crack, wilting flower!Tony, crack, questionable medicine, crack.
Summary: Tony has some medical issues that can only be fixed by
The first thing that Tony finds when he ambles into the kitchen is a post-it not covering a pack of something in the middle of the island. He picks up the post-it note, and tries to read it, but it’s written in an incredibly messy scrawl that takes him a few moments to decipher. It’s got to be Hank’s handwriting.
The note reads:
“Considering your status as ‘consummate playboy’, I thought you might enjoy them. Jan found them at the corner market – evidently the grocer swears by them.”
The packet has two pills in it – but it’s unmarked. He has no idea what the heck they are, but he might as well try them. It’s a Saturday after all, and he’s got nothing else to do besides be dashingly handsome and intelligent. He may as well try something new.
“Worse things have happened in my life.” He sighs, and, making his way to the coffee pot, is quite pleased to see that Pepper must have already been here – there’s freshly brewed coffee in the pot. Pouring himself a cup, he gives the pills a final once over before popping them in his mouth and washing them down with a sip of his incredibly overpriced Brazilian coffee.
When nothing happens, he shrugs in a rather dejected manner and shuffles through the Times, neatly laid out on the counter, when Steve comes in. His hair is still dripping wet from a shower, and as soon as Tony lays his eyes on the incredibly fit man, he can feel his heart speed up a bit.
“Good morning, Tony.” Steve smiles, and Tony offers a smile back, taking a long sip of coffee. He’s not sure if it’s Steve or the coffee, but his heart is now racing, and he feels slightly short of breath.
“Are you alright?” Steve sounds worried, and he comes around to where Tony’s standing. Tony waves him off, using the counter for support.
“Yes, I’m fine, I’m just a bit short of breath. I must need sit down, the coffee was rather strong this morning-“ And then his legs go out from under him, and he collapses, all dressing gown and silk pajama pants. Steve, luckily, manages to reach out and catch the man, falling to his knees with Tony in his arms.
“Tony!” Steve cries, and hugs him closer to his chest. “Oh my gosh, are you-“
“My heart.” Tony says weakly, throwing an arm over his eyes. “I think something’s gone wrong.” He coughs, and Steve looks around with fear in his eyes, looking for a phone to call an ambulance with.
Tony’s eyes flutter shut, and Steve gasps, shakes the other man by one shoulder.
“Tony! Tony, wake up!” He’s on the verge of tears; he can’t loose Tony like this! He needs a phone-
This is exactly the moment Hank and Jan choose to walk in, and when they see him, they both come running over.
“Hank, call the hospital!” Steve orders as Jan drops down besides Steve, soothing Tony’s brow with a worried hand.
“Of course!” Hank nods, and rushes into the hallway, and a moment later they can hear him ringing for an ambulance.
“What’s wrong with him?” Jan asks, her voice shaky and her eyes tearing up.
“I don’t know, he said something about his heart. Oh Jan, what if I – we – loose him?” Steve hugs Tony’s frail body to his, can barely feel a pulse.
“We won’t!” Jan looks like she’s about to start sobbing. “Oh god, Hank! Hank! Where’s the ambulance!?” She runs out into the hall, after Hank, her face in her hands. She can’t bear to see Tony like that.
“Oh Tony, you can’t die.” Steve says softly, bending down to kiss Tony’s forehead. “I’ve kept quite for so long, you can’t die before I’ve had a chance to speak my mind, to tell you how I really feel about you-!”
Tony’s eyes choose this incredibly melodramatic moment to flutter open, long lashes veiling his eyes. He takes a deep shaky breath, and grabs Steve by the shoulder. Steve nearly jumps, as if he’s seeing a ghost back from the dead. Tony’s eyes are burning with… is that passion?
“The pills! It must have been the pills!” He gasps. “They’re too much for my weak heart.”
“What pills?” Steve asks hurriedly. “You’re not on any pills, Tony. Oh, no. Please, Tony. Please tell me you haven’t fallen prey to that now, too! One addiction is enough.” He’s practically begging, and what Tony says next is not what he expected.
“My only addiction is you.” He grows, that same spark of passion almost blinding in his eyes. “The pills, the note, I see it all now, it was an aphrodisiac! Of course!”
He looks Steve right in the eyes. “Take me here. Now. The effects have to wear off so that my heart can return to normal.”
Steve’s breathing hitches, and he shakes his head, feels his body start to grow hot with arousal.
“No, you’re not in your right mind, how could I? How could we?” He’s almost gasping for breath like Tony was only a moment ago, and with Tony so close to him, in his lap, he can feel the heat of his body.
“I am in my right mind.” Tony’s voice is deep and husky, and it makes Steve shiver.
“Hank and Jan are right in the hallway.” Steve has no Earthly idea why he’s protesting to high Heaven, he has the love of his life in his arms, begging to be made love to on the kitchen floor.
“I highly doubt they’ll come back in.” Tony says this like he knows, for certain, and surges forward, kisses Steve as if it is in life that matters. “Please Steve. Do this for me- for my heart. Take me now.”
Before Steve knows it he has ripped off Tony’s smoking jacket and thrown it into the corner, leaving Tony prone and bare on the floor, writhing like a cheap whore in silk pajama bottoms.
“Oh Steve!” He cries and Steve straddles him, holding him to the floor.
“I’m not hurting you, am I?” Steve asks, bending to kiss Tony again, tongues tangling in a tango of lust.
“Never.” Tony moans, thrusting against Steve. Steve manages to free both of them of their pants, and grinds against Tony in a most sinful movement.
“Steve, my God, Steve!” Tony cries out, nearly sobbing with want.
“Patience.” Steve coos, and carefully sits back, lifting Tony by the hips. “Are you ready?”
“Always.” Tony props himself up on his elbows and cries out in pure ecstasy as Steve lowers Tony’s hips onto his throbbing member. He pulls Tony into his lap, meeting his bright blue eyes with this own, speaking of lust and love without saying a word.
Steve thrusts up into Tony, who arches his back, yelling and panting and begging Steve to fill him, drive him to bliss.
“Oh more, Steve! More!” He cries, his lips parted and his breath no more than panting moans. When he finally spills to completion he does so sobbing Steve’s name, and then collapses against him, breathing hard.
“Are you alright?” Steve asks worriedly, holding Tony up by the arms.
“Better than.” He sighs, cupping Steve’s face in his hands, as if holding a delicate piece of art.
“Are you going to have all the fun, or are you going to let us join?” Hank and Jan have suddenly appeared, both looking smug and rather thrilled with themselves.
Steve sputters and Tony just remains impassive, still trying to catch his breath.
“The pills worked rather well.” Jan says. “Although we didn’t mean to give you a heart attack.” The softness in her eyes speaks the truth.
“You really want to join?” Tony looks rather taken aback. “Well, if there’s too be an orgy on the kitchen floor, I’ll be the last person to stop you. Oh, and never mind the heart attack. Steve’s made sure I’m much better.”
He locks eyes with Steve once more, who smiles like he’s face to face with an old lover, bundled up in his arms.
“That I have.” Steve says magnificently, and capture’s Tony’s swollen lips in another long kiss.
“What was the name of those pills?” Tony asks as Jan and Hank join the party.
“Oh, Stree Overlord or something of that sort.” Jan says flippantly, dropping her tight, black dress like it was made to come off.
“I’ll have to remember that.” Hank smiles. “So, orgy on the kitchen floor, then?”
“Absolutely.” Tony and Steve agree.
THE END
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
*dies of crackful awesome*
no subject
YEAH OOPS.
This whole thing is glololololrious.
no subject
no subject
I am going to start using the phrase "like a cheap whore in silk pajama bottoms" at the most inappropriate times possible.
no subject
Er... By which I mean, I love the crack fic and the illustrations. XD
no subject
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can so see this panel-for-panel in one of the old Marvel comic books. Even the dialogue is pure 1960!Marvel.
*dies laughing of a crack overdose*
no subject
Thank you for the laughs!
no subject
"so, orgy on the floor then?"
no subject
The fic is awesome, awesome crack. I love Tony's 60s-comics-style reference to his weak heart ^_^. The only thing missing to make it perfection is Thor.
The stamina of a horse and the endurance of a machine kept Stree a favorite among the wives of other men.
That is... pure comedy gold. I may have to forward the address to my sister; the guys in her squadron would love it.