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cap_ironman2008-11-09 10:01 pm
neptunedream.livejournal.com) wrote in cap_ironman2008-11-09 10:01 pm
Entry tags:
First Time!
Hi everyone - I'm technically new to this community though I've been watching it for a while.
I'd like to thank![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
th3newblack for her inspirational art, hilarious conversations, and for introducing me to the film as well as a plethora of other hilarious media. This is dedicated to her. <3
Title: The Return of Captain America - Revamped
Status: Complete
Pairings/Characters: Pre-Steve/Tony, Hank/Jan
Rating: PG (cussing, anyone?)
Fandom: Pre- CW Avengers
Word Count: Somewhere around 6,000 words!
Disclaimer: I totally don't own these characters. The director, though, is my own idea. XD
Summary: Well, basically, this is a spoof-fic-thing. Please, if you haven't already, watch this amazing video - it is absolutely integral to understanding the story. The Avengers film their very first made-for-TV movie...with hilarious results.
**Feel free to comment or IM me! I'd love to hear what you think! I haven't written in years and I've never written anything remotely Marvel so be gentle with me. :P
PLEASE WATCH THE VIDEO FIRST! XD
I'd like to thank
th3newblack for her inspirational art, hilarious conversations, and for introducing me to the film as well as a plethora of other hilarious media. This is dedicated to her. <3Title: The Return of Captain America - Revamped
Status: Complete
Pairings/Characters: Pre-Steve/Tony, Hank/Jan
Rating: PG (cussing, anyone?)
Fandom: Pre- CW Avengers
Word Count: Somewhere around 6,000 words!
Disclaimer: I totally don't own these characters. The director, though, is my own idea. XD
Summary: Well, basically, this is a spoof-fic-thing. Please, if you haven't already, watch this amazing video - it is absolutely integral to understanding the story. The Avengers film their very first made-for-TV movie...with hilarious results.
**Feel free to comment or IM me! I'd love to hear what you think! I haven't written in years and I've never written anything remotely Marvel so be gentle with me. :P
PLEASE WATCH THE VIDEO FIRST! XD
"And...cue music! Scene one, take one! Okay, filming in five, four, three..." The director, a short, bearded man in a faded Batman T-shirt and khaki shorts, threw up two fingers, then one, in anticipation to start the cameras rolling.
A whimsical tune rang throughout the studio.
"When Captain America throws his mighty shield...All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield! If he's lead to a fight and a duel is due - Then the red and the white and the blue will come through - When Captain America throws his mighty SHIIIEELLDDD!"
Steve closed his eyes tightly, the shrill voices and tinny brass ringing through his brain. It sounded strangely to him like the old childrens' song, "Froggy Went A-Courtin'". This wasn't the way he remembered a good ol' marching song sounding back in his day. This seemed...forced.
...Nor did he, in all his years of history and fame, ever remember being subjected to something like this. Suspended by a simply rigged harness from the ceiling, in front of a cheaply-painted, blue and swirling studio backdrop, Steve donned a badly-remade version of the original outfit he had been wearing when he was recovered from the Arctic. Ripped scraps of mud-brown camo shadowed and marred the brilliance of that oh-so-famous red, white, and blue.
Steve sighed in exasperation. Why did he let Tony subject him to this?
Instantly he reminded himself that he already knew the answer. "Royalties, my good sir," Tony had told him earlier at the mansion while sipping leisurely at his martini, "Once again, one of the many perks of being praised worldwide. Anyways, think of the exposure we're looking at as a result of all this. Merchandising, soundtrack albums; Hell, maybe they'll even make a comic book out of it."
"Yeah, I mean, that all sounds fine, and it's not that I don't trust your negotiation skills, but are you sure they're going to, y'know, preserve our characters...? I don't want to come off as anything but the Captain America the world knows so well."
"Steve, honestly. You've got to stop this whole 'wanting nothing more than what I am' thing. Trust me, they told me that Mr. Schneider was the absolute best at what he does. You should have seen his resume. And anyways, this'll be the first made-for-TV movie ever released where the actual subjects portray themselves. Hank, Jan, and Thor have already signed on. And you're going to be the star, Steve. The star. Like that big, gleaming star in the center of your prized shield. Shining bright, reflecting the epitome of patriotism, honesty, morality..." He waved his hand dismissively. "Y'know, all that crap that you've managed to make a name for yourself out of."
Steve looked at Tony sternly, his own countenance contrasting Tony's lighthearted smirk. "I don't need to be patronized. Do I have your word that this will be as true-to-life as possible?"
Tony looked him square in the eye, his smug smile softening into the rarely-seen look of true honesty, the look which had made Steve so easily learn to trust the ever-eccentric billionaire.
Tony smiled. "You have my word. I've done my research. This is a story that needs to be told."
Steve's hesitant expression slowly transitioned into one of reluctant acceptance.
"Okay. Fine. I'm in. Now that you've given me your word."
Tony smiled slightly at the side of his mouth. "Excellent. Let's get started."
Steve was snapped back to the present by the crazed yelling of the director, Mr. Schneider, as he ordered his crew to take their proper places, aim at their proper angles. He seemed to be directing the camera crew in filming a poorly-made paper cutout submarine, positioned in front of the same 'aquatic' backdrop that Steve had been uselessly hanging before. Suspended facedown from what seemed to be about twelve feet in the air, Steve was amused at the view he had of Mr. Schneider's mad scurrying. Standing awkwardly next to the west wall of the studio were Hank and Jan, exchanging nervous glances, seemingly cowering as the director went on his tirade.
"God damnit, no, no, NO! All wrong! Ten seconds into the damn thing and you're already completely fucking this thing up! Pull it together! NOW! You'd better thank whatever cretin god you morons praise that this isn't a Goddamn live taping, or else your asses'd all be sacked by now!"
Steve felt something lurch in his stomach; a tingling heat accompanied by a sense of encroaching dread, and swallowed hard to keep it from spreading further. Was that...fear? God, Steve couldn't remember the last time he felt this, except for maybe that public press conference months ago. Charging into a heated battle full-force was one thing, but pretty much anything that involved public speaking, cameras, audiences...Well, basically anything 'public' made his stomach twist and shudder, and he silently scolded himself for having such irrational phobias, with everything he had faced in his abnormally long lifetime.
The director turned towards the cowering figures of Hank and Jan, their backs pressed firmly against the wall. "Giant Guy, Wasp, take your places!"
Hank raised an eyebrow, irritated. "It's Man. Giant Man."
"Whatever. All I see in front of me are two normal-sized people who appear, in my opinion, to be completely unremarkable. And where's Iron Man and that opera guy?"
A deep, powerful voice resonated from offstage. "Art thou referring to me, the mighty son of Odin? For if that rings true, noble sir, I am afraid I must ask you to step outside!" Thor raised Mjolnir high above his head in a flamboyant display of power. Iron Man stepped out from behind him, looking more uncomfortable than Steve had ever seen him.
Mr. Schneider held his hands up defensively, taking a few apprehensive steps backwards. "Woah, big guy. Easy on the ol' hammer. I'm just messing with ya, you know that?" He chuckled nervously, eyes shifting from side to side uneasily, before he cleared his throat and regained his composure. "So, everyone ready? You two," he said, pointing at Hank and Jan, "make with the grow-shrink."
Hank and Jan exchanged another nervous glance. Shrugging, Hank tensed his muscles, his mouth tightening into a straight line as his body grew slowly, until his total height measured at about ten feet. He stretched his arms above his head, as if cramping, wincing in relative discomfort as he allowed his physiology to adjust to the quite literal immense changes it had undergone. Meanwhile, Jan had effortlessly shrunk to a miniscule five inches, her wings protruding from her upper back, right between the shoulder blades. She hovered in the air daintily, at level with Giant Man’s eye, giving him a reassuring smile and shrugging slightly. “C’mon, honey. Just this once. We’ve talked about this. It’ll be a positive move for our careers, and maybe even our relationship.”
Hank sighed reluctantly. “Maybe you’re right. I was just never up for this in the first place. I just need the money for my research, you know.” He frowned. “Federal funding is getting harder and harder to--”
“Hey, hey, wait a minute. Giant Man, right? And you’re going to talk like that?” Mr. Schneider stared at him in disbelief. “We’re not looking for Captain Poindexter here. You need to sound more…more giant.”
Hank’s face twisted into an expression blending confusion and indignity. Pulling himself together, his mind focused on the promise of steady income, he stuck out his chest and took a deep breath.
“How’s…this?” At the second word, he deepened his voice to a near-comical level, speaking louder than he would have ever felt acceptable to speak indoors.
Mr. Schneider looked thoughtful for a moment, then frowned again. “No, I don’t like it. Try sounding more, you know…monumental.”
Hank looked at him incredulously. Was he serious? He rolled his eyes and shot Jan a ‘Do-I-have-to?’ look. Jan smiled in uncertainty back at him, shaking her head slightly, confirming in Hank’s mind that she was just as confused as he was. He collected himself once again, sticking his chest out further and putting his hands on his hips just for effect. “How about…THIS?!?” he bellowed, nearly shouting, his voice reverberating off the steel and concrete walls of the chilly soundstage.
The director clapped his hands together eagerly. “That’s IT! Ah, the audiences are gonna eat this up! Okay, everyone ready?”
Meanwhile, Steve wondered why he had been left hanging for so long even before they had started filming.
Iron Man had been uncomfortably toying around with the armor he had managed to dig up in preparation for the filming. Seeing as his armor had taken on numerous advancements in the years following Steve’s discovery, he had had been forced to piece together a ‘new’ – meaning ‘old’ -- suit, mainly from the remaining pieces of some of his earlier prototypes that hadn’t been completely ravaged by time or destroyed in battle. Even the parts he had managed to pull together had clearly seen better days, the helmet dented under the left eye and scratched and blackened in numerous spots. Yet Mr. Schneider had still approved of it, saying that it would give him more of a “battle-worn, vintage look”. Tony had really tried his best to at least act as if he had complete faith in the director, promising himself that with his keen ability to analyze and foresee the outcomes of numerous situations, he must know that this was a good idea…right?
“HEY! Time is money, people! I said, are we ready to shoot scene one or not?” Mr. Schneider took his seat in his proverbial director’s chair. “Places, people!"
The Avengers took their places inside the bisected set that had altered to look somewhat like a submarine. Iron Man at the helm (which he bemusedly thought resembled the steering wheel of a pirate ship, rather than something of his own sophisticated design). Thor and Giant Man took their places, staring out of the cutout 'window' at the back wall of the submarine at Steve's prostrate form, still suspended from the harness. Giant Man squinted at the silhouette, wondering in amusement if Steve had perhaps nodded off while hanging there waiting for everyone to get their act together. The director clapped once. "And…cue narrator!”
A deep voice emanated from somewhere offstage. "Miles from shore, an undersea craft of unusual design cruises silently through the water. Aboard are four equally unusual characters. From their observation window, they behold the frozen figure of a man drifting by."
Thor jumped a bit, realizing that his line was the first. He had been caught off-guard with wondering where exactly that voice had been coming from. His brain attempted to remember the words from the script; everything had seemed so, well...scripted. Though it had seemed like an eternity to him, in a split-second he managed to sputter out his lines.
"Halt thine engines! I do behold the form of a man, drifting as if carried by the mighty hand of Odin!"
"CUT!"
Thor raised an eyebrow in alarm. "Why, did I fault in my recitation of the line?"
"Thor, baby..." The director put his arm around his shoulder casually, yet reflecting an undeniably impatient annoyance. "The line is, 'Stop the engines. There's someone out there. 'Plain English."
"Understood, yet I forsaw my use of the classical dialect of Asgard to add truth and virility to these lines, which have clearly been written not by a scribe who--"
"Stop. The. Engines. There's. Someone. Out. There. Just like that. No more, no less."
Thor's face reddened slightly, his mouth drawing tightly into a firm, straight line. He began to speak, his words sounding incredibly forced, almost mocking the director's light Boston accent.
"Stop the engines. Th...There's someone out there."
Tony, Hank, and Jan had never seen Thor look so defeated.
The director smirked. "Great. Now just add a bit of emotion there and you've got yourself a line! Scene one, take two! And...action!" The cameras resumed rolling.
Once again, the strangely deep voice erupted from an unknown location. "Miles from shore, an undersea craft of unusual design cruises silently through the water. Aboard are four equally unusual characters. From their observation window, they behold the frozen figure of a man drifting by."
Thor was still frowning slightly, and sounded much less enthusiastic than he had when he was speaking comfortably. "Stop the engines, there's someone out there." He glanced momentarily at the director, who smiled and nodded while throwing him a huge thumbs-up.
The light on the camera angled at the topside 'door' of the submarine lit up, cueing Hank and Steve to start their scene. Hank opened the hatch, reaching out into the 'water' to grab the still-suspended Steve. Hank, of course, questioned the realism and logic behind opening up the top hatch of a submarine while it was submerged, but then again...this was the director's idea. Not his. Hank shouted, in the same voice and with the same booming gusto as previously instructed, "I'VE GOT HIM!" His huge hand wrapped somewhat around Steve's legs and reeled him towards the hatch as the elastic harness pulled against the force and soap bubbles floated clumsily through the air.
"Great! Scene one, done! Places for scene two!" The director pushed himself back from the edge of his seat. Once Steve had been successfully detached from his harness, he joined the others inside the 'submarine', still donning his ragged clothes. The director clapped twice. "Scene two! And...action!"
Hank was right on the ball. "WHO COULD HE BE?" he boomed, hand placed statuesquely on his chin to convey 'thought'. The others gathered around Steve's form. Of course, they all knew that this wasn't the way it had actually happened. They had all known damn well who he was - he was Captain America, undeniably. And he was frozen in ice, not nonsensically drifting freely in the water column. But, once again, the director's 'creative license' had intervened in the name of ratings, because, as he put it when confronted with the report of the actual event, "Where's the drama in that?"
Thor sighed slightly, looking resigned as he managed to recall his next line. "He has some sort of costume. Red. White. Blue." Thor had paraphrased this line, actually; being robbed of his individual and cultural pride was not something he wanted to endure for longer than he had to. In his opinion, the line had served its purpose. Luckily, Mr. Schneider hadn't argued about it so the scene continued smoothly...Well, as smoothly as it could have gone.
The Wasp hovered above Steve, who was pretending to be 'dead', but was struggling not to smile at the sheer ludicrousness of the situation. He felt the Wasp's wings send a gentle breeze at his face as she recited, "Don't you recognize it? It's the costume of Captain America!" Jan was a surprisingly good actress, and seemed to understand the basic effect Mr. Schneider was going for. She spoke in an overly smooth, overly feminine, almost ridiculous voice. But...She knew what the media wanted, and she would rather make her own changes before she'd let someone try to tell her what to do. She knew that the media's favorite women were submissive, elegant, and seductive. Though it was genuinely against her own ideals, she knew that it would get ratings, which would help get she and Hank a better life, less stress. She did what she knew she had to do. And, she had to face it, she was damn good at it.
"The Wasp is right!" exclaimed Iron Man, in his best on-screen voice. Years of public speaking had given him the best, most polished-sounding voice possible, even if it was a bit muffled by his helmet (which, at that early level, lacked the advance voice-distortion technology of his later models). However, seeing as he was basically the one who came up with the idea for the movie, he was a bit dismayed over the fact that his first line was nothing of note, not to mention that it was also a line pointing out that someone else was right. He was admittedly a bit irritated.
Jan continued to hover over Steve as he fluttered his eyes, pretending to come around. "He's alive...His eyes!" she noted enthusiastically, when suddenly Steve jumped up and crouched in a defensive position.
"Bucky, Bucky look out!" He turned aggressively to the rest of the group, acting quite serious. "You can't kill Bucky, I'll smash you all!" Steve didn't know if he was amused or insulted that one of his lines was "I'll smash you all" - Steve would never, ever say anything that coarse. But while he was largely concerned with the preservation of his character, he had to admit that the concept of Captain America threatening to "smash" someone was actually quite funny. With that, he ran at Giant Man, Iron Man, and Thor, dogpiling them almost playfully while the cameraman shook the camera to make the magnitude of his attack even more apparent.
Giant Man stretched out an arm to shield himself from Captain America in relatively believable alarm. "STOP HIM, HE'S GONE MAD!" he yelled. Steve broke his hold on Thor and Iron Man and crouched with his head down, breathing heavily. "I...I remember now...He's dead..." He stood up and faced them. "...Where am I?! What happened?!" He sounded desperate and bewildered.
"Suppose you tell us!" Tony was smirking the entire time, though no one could see it. He was surprised at the conviction with which Steve was acting; but then again, this was Steve's story, and he knew that in Steve's mind, not taking it seriously would mean that he was mocking it. Maybe he'd thought of it the whole time he was hanging up in the air like that, he thought.
"And...CUT! Okay, Mr. America --"
"You can call me Steve."
"...Okay, Steve, we're gonna need you to record the voiceover for the flashback scene. We need to film it on-location sometime in the next few days, but we haven't been able to find a boy who fits your description of Bucky. But if you'd be willing, uh, Steve, to just record that little voiceover real quick, we could get it out of the way..." The director waved Steve out of the main soundstage and into a recording booth set into the south wall of the studio. After briefing him on how to use the microphone, Steve began to record the voiceover that would describe his last few moments living in his own generation.
"The last thing I remember...Bucky and I were stationed in Greenland. A drone loaded with high explosives had broken its moorings. Bucky leaped on the drone, but was unable to deactivate it without my help. I was trying desperately to reach him...But I was unable to hang on! After that...awful explosion, I knew that Bucky was gone, gone forever. After falling into the cold waters of the Atlantic, I...I faintly recall sinking...down, down..." Steve closed his eyes as he finished speaking. He hadn't anticipated stuttering through his monologue, much less feeling his throat tighten the way it did.
Tony sat thoughtfully at the side of the stage, faceplate up, experiencing the classic struggle between satisfying his own ego and his desire to see others' wishes fulfilled. In most situations he was able to achieve both, and while he was definitely interested in seeing Steve have the opportunity to show the general public an important piece of his life story, he had been more than a little disappointed that he had such a small part in the production that he had coordinated. Iron Man was something to awe, and while he had certainly never been frozen for decades, he felt it appropriate that he get a chance to show what he could do. He thought of the perfect time to do it.
"Okay, people, back on!" Mr. Schneider yelled after Steve emerged from the recording booth. "This is going to be scene four. Everyone know your shit?"
The five of them returned to their respective places on the set. Steve turned before them, in full costume, and stoically resumed his lines, continued from his voiceover. "...And...And that's all I remember."
Iron Man faced Captain America in confrontation. "But how can you claim to be that same man?" Tony made a ludicrously outraged face at Steve behind his faceplate, then silently held back laughter. Just another one of the perks.
"It's no claim! I am Steve Rogers, known to the world as Captain America!" Steve stood defiantly before them, shield in hand, the classic image the world had come to know, love and trust. As he stood, the director scribbled down a reminder to insert blaring fanfare while showing him standing there.
Thor stepped out from behind the others. "B-But Captain America disappeared two decades ago!" Thor sounded slightly more comfortable with this line, yet to his fellow Avengers who knew him so well, his manner of speaking sounded strange and foreign.
The Wasp, now regular size, put her hand comfortingly on Captain America's arm. "But you are young...Why haven't you aged?" she spoke soothingly.
Iron Man posed aggressively in Captain America's direction and pointed, acknowledging that he must look like a complete madman. But this was Iron Man here, not Tony Stark. Secret identity or not, the two personas were still as different as day and night, and this thing needed some action. Might as well have a little fun. "If this is some sort of trick, Mister, you'll regret it!" That was the first time Tony had ever called Steve "Mister", and hopefully the last.
Captain America looked dejected. "I...I can't explain not aging." He took a defensive stance, shield in hand. "But if you doubt my word, test me!"
Everyone fully acknowledged that this would be the last reaction that Steve would have to someone not believing he was the real deal. While he was excellent at the many forms of strategy and combat, physical fighting was always the last resort. But, then again, how would he prove to a strange group of complete strangers who he was? But as they had already acknowledged, this was never an issue. Just more of the director's 'creative license' at work.
"So be it!" Thor yelled, sounding much more comfortable. He swung Mjolnir powerfully at Captain America, who managed to dodge it by swinging from a nearby pipe. The pipe wasn't actually part of the set; rather, it was part of the soundstage's septic system, but the director assumed no one would know and decided to keep the footage. However, Steve's sudden move off set took the head cameraman completely off-guard, resulting in him completely missing Steve's jump from the floor to the pipe. The director scribbled in his notebook: "Note to self: Fill in missing scene with previously filmed material".
However, the cameras continued rolling as the four male superheroes wrestled briefly. The Wasp, standing at the sidelines, remarked, "My, isn't he something..." She didn't quite know who she was referring to, but figured it would look good onscreen. Give the viewers a rare chance to figure something out for themselves, she thought. She watched as Giant Man ran at the tussling group and yelled, "STAND BACK, I'LL TAKE HIM!" He tackled Captain America, who responded with, "You are big, my friend, but not big enough!" and in return, flipped him over his head and kicked him away. Giant Man proclaimed upon landing, "I'LL SAY ONE THING, HE'S A REAL BALL OF FIRE!"
Iron Man and Thor just stood there. Finally, Thor put and end to the tomfoolery. "Enough!" He pointed at Steve. "You ARE Captain America!"
The Wasp looked up at him demurely. "But where have you been hiding for twenty years?" Jan thought for a minute that perhaps an improvisational "tee hee" might be in order, yet her better judgment told her that would be overdoing it.
Captain America put his hand to his chin thoughtfully. "I must have been frozen in an ice flow, and somehow remained in a state of suspended animation. I'm grateful to all of you for rescuing me...But who are you?!?"
Thor raised Mjolnir high above his head, a move that had become customary over the years for whenever he wanted to delcare something. "We are known as the mighty Avengers!" This line came much more easily. "I am Thor, God of Thunder!"
"My name is Iron--"
"CUT!" Mr. Schneider jumped up from his chair. "Okay, so we know that you're Thor, God of Thunder. Yaddah yaddah yaddah. But where's the proof? I could tell you that my house is made of gold, but you wouldn't believe me until I showed you."
A stagehand raised a finger in meek interjection. "But, uh, Mr. Schneider, sir, your house is made of gold. Remember your Christmas party last year? You gave everyone the full tour, and--"
"You are FIRED! Get the Hell out of here! I don't need you little freaks undermining my brilliant authority!" He watched as the stagehand walked out of the studio dejectedly, shoulders slumped in defeat. Mr. Schneider turned back to Thor. "Anyways...what I - and therefore, the public - look for in something like this is action. If you SAY you're the God of Thunder, show us! Give us some of that thunder!" Mr. Schneider looked at Thor in anticipation.
Thor shook his head in stolid refusal. "I must tell thee, good sir, that the mighty power of the hammer Mjolnir can not be exploited for the sake of mortals' amusement. It contains the power of the Gods, and I am afraid I can not...well, should not display its strength for mere entertainment..." Thor suddenly looked puzzled. "And hast thou forgotten that we, the Avengers, in this imaginary setting, are currently stationed in a submarine, hundreds of feet below the ocean's surface...?"
Mr. Schneider's arms dropped heavily to his sides with exasperation. "Forget about it. Forget about the submarine. This isn't a Goddamn science class, it's an action show about super heroes. The audience doesn't want to see Thor, the mighty God of Thunder meekly obeying safety codes. They want to see thunder! And...and lightning! And, like, Pegasus or whatever you do."
Thor's brow furrowed. "I am afraid I do not understand the idea of the 'Pegasus' of which you speak. However, thy demeanor denotes that you once again feel it appropriate to make a mockery of my Asgardian culture. You do not seem to understand the fantastic nature of that which you insult..." Thor held Mjolnir before him with both hands, the hammer sparking and crackling with electric energy. "...So I feel that now you must be shown first-hand the power which you mortals underestimate!"
With that, Thor raised Mjolnir high above his head as the ground shook and thunder roared in the distance. Brilliantly white bolts of lightning crashed through the ceiling of the studio with sharp cracks. The director, following his alarmed utterance of "Holy shit!", ran over to the lead cameraman and whispered in his ear. The cameraman nodded dutifully and flipped a few switches, leveling himself with the eyepiece. Mr. Schneider, in the meantime, cowered in front of Thor, feigning an overdone sense of awe to keep the show going. After a few moments, as the thunder and lightning continued to crash, Mr. Schneider finally felt as if he had gotten all the footage he needed. "Okay, okay! You are the son of Odin! I have been humbled! Humbled, I tell you!"
Thor lowered Mjolnir as he stared down at the cowering director, a deep expression of regal satisfaction radiating from his eyes. "Rightfully so, I must say", he remarked, smiling a bit, "Thou hast made a wise choice. Perhaps it would be the best move to think before insulting the bravest warrior in all Asgard!" Thor looked truly satisfied as he put his hands on his hips and laughed heartily. "Anyways, where had we left off...?"
Mr. Schneider smiled in his own smarmy way. "Forget about it. I think we've gotten everything we need. Iron Man, you ready for your intro?"
Tony, who had in the meantime been sitting boredly at the side of the set with his chin in his hand, suddenly looked up and smiled. "Oh hell yes", he remarked, flipping down his faceplate. This is it, Tony. Show 'em what you've got. Milk it for all it's worth. He cleared his throat and stretched his arms, gathering his thoughts.
Mr. Schneider counted down once again with his fingers. "And...action!"
"My name is Iron Man! My armor is bulletproof." He held out his hands in front of him, palms aimed straight ahead. "My repulsor rays will stop anything!" He powered them up and prepared to fire, when --
"CUT!"
Tony's body slumped slightly. "...What did I do? Did you need more dashing displays of strength and power?"
"No, you got the line wrong. The line reads here, 'My repulsor rays will stop almost anything'."
Tony's eyes widened behind his faceplate, mouth slightly agape in shock. "'Almost' anything?... Are you sure you're reading that correctly...?"
Mr. Schneider scowled at Iron Man. "Yes. Thank you very much, Mr. Genius, Sir, but I can in fact read. The line is 'My repulsor rays will stop almost anything'. So if you could please use that stunning intellect of yours to insert that one word in that one sentence, that would really make my fuckin' day. Take two...and...action!"
Behind his mask, Tony's mouth was pressed firmly into a solid and tight frown of outrage and indignity. He felt a vein in his forehead pulsing strongly. He flexed his hands encased in the powerful (though outdated) gauntlets, the idea of merely blasting away this insolent director briefly crossing his mind -- that is, before he quickly realized how much the studio would be able to sue him for. His lawyers were the best, but...
"I said, action!"
Tony pulled himself together and threw his arms out in front of him again, the repulsors glowing with power. "My name is Iron Man! My armor is bulletproof! My repulsor rays will stop..." he paused and whispered the word "almost", then continued enthusiastically, "...anything!" Powering up his repulsors to their peak, he fired them at full blast towards the cameras to make sure they'd get the perfect shot. Taking off into the air, he engaged the flamethrower that he had long since omitted from his current design yet still found to be a charming memento of days past. Twistedly pleased that his creation was still in working order after so many years, he shot long streams of flames downward towards the floor, his years of experience with such weapons allowing him to fire them off without burning the set down. Fuck it, he thought, If Thor can set off lightning in a submarine, I'll give 'em a run for their money.
The cameras captured images of Iron Man shooting flames and lasers, performing aerial acrobatics, and even whipping out an old laser gun that was hidden (much to his delight) at the hip of his old armor; a true relic from the days before he had designed the armor's main structure to contain everything he could ever imagine needing. It's a shame this old thing doesn't have the roller skates, he told himself. ...Wait, no, I'm glad it doesn't. He cringed.
The cameras cut over to Captain America, who had been watching Iron Man's overdone display of showmanship with relative irritation. He knew what the armor was capable of, and he knew that Tony couldn't help but show it off a bit...it was just... Even for Tony, this was overdoing it. He didn't even notice when the camera zoomed in on his unimpressed, almost scolding expression. Nor did Giant Man notice when they captured him blocking his eyes from the sheer radiance of Tony's repulsor technology. The crew continued to record shot after shot of Iron Man as he soared around the set, shooting off this and that, from the repulsors to the unibeam, hovering in numerous poses for effect. He finally landed, breathing heavily, and whipped up his faceplate, a look of smug pride on his face. Sweat ran down his face and matted his hair as he exclaimed, "How's that?! No need for applause, people, this is just the beginning of what Iron Man can --"
Just then, Tony noticed that the director and crew had already turned their attention to the Wasp, who was filming her introduction. His body slumped in exasperated defeat as he whispered out, "...do." He sighed. "I need a drink." He walked offstage, outdated repulsors still sparking weakly. He didn't notice Steve's amused eyes following him as he walked.
"I am Janet van Dyne, but you may call me the Wasp!" Jan hovered in front of the submarine's control panel in a dainty, feminine pose. "Look...The pill I took..." She returned to normal size. "...Enlarges..." She shrank back down, wings holding her at the cameras' level. "...Or reduces." She was going to mention that she also had an aggressive ability, rather than simply being able to shrink and fly, but figured that it would push viewers away if she mentioned she could actually sting people. Instead, she decided to give Hank the benefit of the attention. "My partner is Henry Pym, also known as Giant Man. Isn't he a gorgeous hunk of super hero?" Might help his image, she thought. He could use a little attention.
She noticed Hank smile in amusement and shoot her a glance after she recited that last line. Once again, he stuck out his chest, and with slightly more confidence than before (mostly as a result of Jan's impromptu compliment), boomed, "AND I TOO HAVE MY PILL, SEE?" Straining in discomfort, he shrank back to his normal size, then even smaller, until he was equal to Jan's height as the Wasp. He took a deep breath. "I am now Ant Man", he huffed, in his normal voice and volume.
"CUT!" Mr. Schneider walked towards Hank, being careful not to step on him. He looked down at him, scowling slightly. "Aren't you gonna, y'know, get all giant again? We've already got one tiny person on this show. The audiences simply won't tolerate two."
Hank winced. "D-Do I have to...right now? Quite honestly, growing and shrinking so frequently do a real number on my body. It actually..." He coughed. "Hurts quite a lot."
The director scoffed. "Jesus, some real super hero we've got here. Guy gets injured just by using his powers, which, might I add, aren't the most impressive of the bunch, if you know what I mean. If we can't have Giant Man and Ant Man, I suppose we'll have to get someone more interesting else to fit in. I know Wolverine's been really popular for superhero cameos lately..."
Hank stared up at him indignantly, the idea of being replaced by Wolverine making his blood boil. "Action", he muttered, then once the cameras had started, began to grow once again. Clenching his teeth in pain and groaning quietly, he once again reached the stature of Giant Man. "Though today...", he groaned, "I prefer to be GIANT MAN!" He put his hands on his hips once again in a show of masculinity and pride, yet couldn't help wincing at the soreness emanating from every part of his body.
"And CUT! Good enough. Okay, everyone ready for the final scene?" Mr. Schneider backed up into his chair while the group gathered once again in the center of the set. "Um, Mr. Stark?"
Tony raised an eyebrow. "...Yes...?"
"I really don't think the families of the American public are going to appreciate seeing Iron Man suckin' down a martini as a role model to their kids", he remarked.
"Oh, shit, yeah, you're right," Tony downed the rest of the drink quickly, like a shot, then threw the glass behind him carelessly as a tiny shattering sound was heard. He swallowed, quickly flipped down his faceplate, then stood up straight. "Bad P. R." Steve rolled his eyes.
"Ready? And...action!"
The Wasp approached Captain America once more. "Now that you have been, well...resurrected, what will you do?" Everyone turned to look at Steve as he gazed proudly and defiantly into the distance (also known as Camera 2).
"I once took an oath to fight for right and freedom!" He held his shield over his heart in allegiance.
"But...The war ended many years ago. The victory was ours." Iron Man stood solidly with his hands on his hips, even though Tony had to admit he was a bit tipsy.
Giant Man interjected. "BUT THE WORLD WILL ALWAYS HAVE NEED OF MEN LIKE YOU!" <i>Wow</i>, he thought, That came out awkward. Luckily we're being paid by word... Right? He glanced around uneasily.
Thor raised his arm, turned towards the others in an especially awkward position. "So say we all!" He had improvised this line in a desperate act to retain his character through the whole 'speech' ordeal. The director didn't even seem to notice it.
"Your place is with us!" recited Iron Man, blinking and glancing around awkwardly after he had said his line. He noticed the camera was still on him.
Thor raised Mjolnir in victory as the others gathered around Steve. "Come forward, Captain America! Take your place among...the AVENGERS!" Thor recited the final line with such gusto and enthusiasm it sent chills down Steve's spine. Steve smiled a bit, surrounded by his greatest friends, reliving the moments when he had realized that the people who had come across his suspended form all those years ago were loyal friends, allies, and confidants. It kind of made him feel warm inside, even if the circumstances surrounding this reenactment had been insane, to say the least.
Their proud and happy moment was broken, however, by the same booming voice they had heard ring through the studio earlier. "And so, the man with the shield joins the champions of justice."
"And...CUT! That is a wrap, people!" Mr. Schneider clapped a few times, jumping jubilantly up from his chair.
Hank raised a giant-sized hand meekly. "Wait, uh, Mr. Schneider, where was that voice coming from?"
"Who, the narrator? Just some guy we picked up off the streets. Stephen something."
Suddenly, a burst of light and smoke erupted before the group. "That's Doctor Stephen Strange, I'll have you know! Sorcerer Supreme!" He struck a flamboyant pose.
"Wait, Dr. Strange? What're you doing here? Why be a narrator?" Iron Man asked.
Dr. Strange's shoulders suddenly slumped, his head hanging in defeat. Quietly and shamefully, he replied, "...Dr. Strange, Sorcerer Supreme...needs work."
The whole set; our five heroes, our director and his crew, and the desperate-for-work Dr. Strange, erupted into laughter and didn't stop for a good ten minutes, then packed up and returned to their respective places of dwelling.
---------
"Hey, it's coming on!" Jan exclaimed, hushing the other four heroes as the Captain America theme song began to blare from the television.
Steve smiled meekly. "Does anyone else besides me find that song incredibly annoying?" He chuckled sheepishly, realizing the awkwardness of not liking one's own theme song.
"Well, yeah, not really. It sounds like a nursery rhyme or something", Hank replied.
As they watched the special that they had spent weeks learning their lines for, hours being fitted for specially-made costumes and made-up, and bossed around by possibly the most psychotic director to ever exist, they couldn't help feeling proud. Everything was finished; even the flashback scene had been filmed once they had found a suitable actor to play Bucky.
By no means, however, did that entail that the movie wasn't utterly and completely ridiculous. Hank, Jan, Thor, and even Steve had laughed through most of it, especially when they saw that post-editing had reused footage of Thor looking out the window at Steve's floating form to fill in for a line he had missed: "It is only fitting that you divulge your secret!", even though Steve had already been recovered. Hank and Jan cuddled together on the big easy chair in the main living room of the Mansion, exchanging quiet, sensual whispers and giggling about how many times the camera caught them looking at each other when they weren't supposed to.
Thor couldn't help but laugh at the way he had been instructed to speak for the duration of the film, as he put it, "It was verily a true test of will, and I once again prevailed!" - which the other Avengers had interpreted as Thor bragging about being a good actor.
Meanwhile, Tony just kind of sat there at the end of the couch, looking wholly disturbed; his investments and months of negotiation had come to this? He shook his head as the credits rolled, recounting the numerous filmography and editing problems and the complete assholery of the director. Part of him wanted to file some sort of suit against Mr. Schneider; his lawyers could probably find a way. But then again...He had still done what he had sought to do. He had been able to tell the story of Captain America, of Steve Rogers, and that was all he had really wanted. Steve deserved to have his story told more than anyone he knew, and while Iron Man may have been a technological wonder, Steve had heart, which in any situation, was hard to find.
His thoughts were broken off by the solid touch of a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he beheld Steve - his brain expected to see a look of anger across his face; instead, he saw a lighthearted smile, which Tony returned, aiming his eyes back at the floor and chuckling lightly.
"I know you did the best you could. I mean, if it's any consolation, they really didn't mangle me too much, besides that whole 'I'll smash you all' line". Steve chuckled.
"I know, I know. I just..." Tony looked irritated. "I wanted it to really tell your story. I mean, plus, if it had been anything even vaguely worth watching, the money would have been great..."
"It's not about the money, Tony. I know that may be hard for you to comprehend, but it's not. Frankly, I had fun. As crazy as those couple days of filming were, I've got to say I was probably most amused at your attempts to steal the show," he smirked. "I mean, not that I wouldn't expect that..."
Tony smiled. Steve did know him all too well. Maybe it was worth it. He got to tell the story of the man he respected most, of the friends he trusted more than anything. Maybe, as terrible as it had turned out... it was worth it.
Plus, he had given Dr. Strange work, and the feeling of satisfaction was indescribable.
THE END.
I sincerely hope you enjoyed it! Not bad when all I had to work with was a 5 minute cartoon. Please comment or IM me (AIM: TimeForAryn) and let me know what you think! Thank you so much for reading!
A whimsical tune rang throughout the studio.
"When Captain America throws his mighty shield...All those who chose to oppose his shield must yield! If he's lead to a fight and a duel is due - Then the red and the white and the blue will come through - When Captain America throws his mighty SHIIIEELLDDD!"
Steve closed his eyes tightly, the shrill voices and tinny brass ringing through his brain. It sounded strangely to him like the old childrens' song, "Froggy Went A-Courtin'". This wasn't the way he remembered a good ol' marching song sounding back in his day. This seemed...forced.
...Nor did he, in all his years of history and fame, ever remember being subjected to something like this. Suspended by a simply rigged harness from the ceiling, in front of a cheaply-painted, blue and swirling studio backdrop, Steve donned a badly-remade version of the original outfit he had been wearing when he was recovered from the Arctic. Ripped scraps of mud-brown camo shadowed and marred the brilliance of that oh-so-famous red, white, and blue.
Steve sighed in exasperation. Why did he let Tony subject him to this?
Instantly he reminded himself that he already knew the answer. "Royalties, my good sir," Tony had told him earlier at the mansion while sipping leisurely at his martini, "Once again, one of the many perks of being praised worldwide. Anyways, think of the exposure we're looking at as a result of all this. Merchandising, soundtrack albums; Hell, maybe they'll even make a comic book out of it."
"Yeah, I mean, that all sounds fine, and it's not that I don't trust your negotiation skills, but are you sure they're going to, y'know, preserve our characters...? I don't want to come off as anything but the Captain America the world knows so well."
"Steve, honestly. You've got to stop this whole 'wanting nothing more than what I am' thing. Trust me, they told me that Mr. Schneider was the absolute best at what he does. You should have seen his resume. And anyways, this'll be the first made-for-TV movie ever released where the actual subjects portray themselves. Hank, Jan, and Thor have already signed on. And you're going to be the star, Steve. The star. Like that big, gleaming star in the center of your prized shield. Shining bright, reflecting the epitome of patriotism, honesty, morality..." He waved his hand dismissively. "Y'know, all that crap that you've managed to make a name for yourself out of."
Steve looked at Tony sternly, his own countenance contrasting Tony's lighthearted smirk. "I don't need to be patronized. Do I have your word that this will be as true-to-life as possible?"
Tony looked him square in the eye, his smug smile softening into the rarely-seen look of true honesty, the look which had made Steve so easily learn to trust the ever-eccentric billionaire.
Tony smiled. "You have my word. I've done my research. This is a story that needs to be told."
Steve's hesitant expression slowly transitioned into one of reluctant acceptance.
"Okay. Fine. I'm in. Now that you've given me your word."
Tony smiled slightly at the side of his mouth. "Excellent. Let's get started."
Steve was snapped back to the present by the crazed yelling of the director, Mr. Schneider, as he ordered his crew to take their proper places, aim at their proper angles. He seemed to be directing the camera crew in filming a poorly-made paper cutout submarine, positioned in front of the same 'aquatic' backdrop that Steve had been uselessly hanging before. Suspended facedown from what seemed to be about twelve feet in the air, Steve was amused at the view he had of Mr. Schneider's mad scurrying. Standing awkwardly next to the west wall of the studio were Hank and Jan, exchanging nervous glances, seemingly cowering as the director went on his tirade.
"God damnit, no, no, NO! All wrong! Ten seconds into the damn thing and you're already completely fucking this thing up! Pull it together! NOW! You'd better thank whatever cretin god you morons praise that this isn't a Goddamn live taping, or else your asses'd all be sacked by now!"
Steve felt something lurch in his stomach; a tingling heat accompanied by a sense of encroaching dread, and swallowed hard to keep it from spreading further. Was that...fear? God, Steve couldn't remember the last time he felt this, except for maybe that public press conference months ago. Charging into a heated battle full-force was one thing, but pretty much anything that involved public speaking, cameras, audiences...Well, basically anything 'public' made his stomach twist and shudder, and he silently scolded himself for having such irrational phobias, with everything he had faced in his abnormally long lifetime.
The director turned towards the cowering figures of Hank and Jan, their backs pressed firmly against the wall. "Giant Guy, Wasp, take your places!"
Hank raised an eyebrow, irritated. "It's Man. Giant Man."
"Whatever. All I see in front of me are two normal-sized people who appear, in my opinion, to be completely unremarkable. And where's Iron Man and that opera guy?"
A deep, powerful voice resonated from offstage. "Art thou referring to me, the mighty son of Odin? For if that rings true, noble sir, I am afraid I must ask you to step outside!" Thor raised Mjolnir high above his head in a flamboyant display of power. Iron Man stepped out from behind him, looking more uncomfortable than Steve had ever seen him.
Mr. Schneider held his hands up defensively, taking a few apprehensive steps backwards. "Woah, big guy. Easy on the ol' hammer. I'm just messing with ya, you know that?" He chuckled nervously, eyes shifting from side to side uneasily, before he cleared his throat and regained his composure. "So, everyone ready? You two," he said, pointing at Hank and Jan, "make with the grow-shrink."
Hank and Jan exchanged another nervous glance. Shrugging, Hank tensed his muscles, his mouth tightening into a straight line as his body grew slowly, until his total height measured at about ten feet. He stretched his arms above his head, as if cramping, wincing in relative discomfort as he allowed his physiology to adjust to the quite literal immense changes it had undergone. Meanwhile, Jan had effortlessly shrunk to a miniscule five inches, her wings protruding from her upper back, right between the shoulder blades. She hovered in the air daintily, at level with Giant Man’s eye, giving him a reassuring smile and shrugging slightly. “C’mon, honey. Just this once. We’ve talked about this. It’ll be a positive move for our careers, and maybe even our relationship.”
Hank sighed reluctantly. “Maybe you’re right. I was just never up for this in the first place. I just need the money for my research, you know.” He frowned. “Federal funding is getting harder and harder to--”
“Hey, hey, wait a minute. Giant Man, right? And you’re going to talk like that?” Mr. Schneider stared at him in disbelief. “We’re not looking for Captain Poindexter here. You need to sound more…more giant.”
Hank’s face twisted into an expression blending confusion and indignity. Pulling himself together, his mind focused on the promise of steady income, he stuck out his chest and took a deep breath.
“How’s…this?” At the second word, he deepened his voice to a near-comical level, speaking louder than he would have ever felt acceptable to speak indoors.
Mr. Schneider looked thoughtful for a moment, then frowned again. “No, I don’t like it. Try sounding more, you know…monumental.”
Hank looked at him incredulously. Was he serious? He rolled his eyes and shot Jan a ‘Do-I-have-to?’ look. Jan smiled in uncertainty back at him, shaking her head slightly, confirming in Hank’s mind that she was just as confused as he was. He collected himself once again, sticking his chest out further and putting his hands on his hips just for effect. “How about…THIS?!?” he bellowed, nearly shouting, his voice reverberating off the steel and concrete walls of the chilly soundstage.
The director clapped his hands together eagerly. “That’s IT! Ah, the audiences are gonna eat this up! Okay, everyone ready?”
Meanwhile, Steve wondered why he had been left hanging for so long even before they had started filming.
Iron Man had been uncomfortably toying around with the armor he had managed to dig up in preparation for the filming. Seeing as his armor had taken on numerous advancements in the years following Steve’s discovery, he had had been forced to piece together a ‘new’ – meaning ‘old’ -- suit, mainly from the remaining pieces of some of his earlier prototypes that hadn’t been completely ravaged by time or destroyed in battle. Even the parts he had managed to pull together had clearly seen better days, the helmet dented under the left eye and scratched and blackened in numerous spots. Yet Mr. Schneider had still approved of it, saying that it would give him more of a “battle-worn, vintage look”. Tony had really tried his best to at least act as if he had complete faith in the director, promising himself that with his keen ability to analyze and foresee the outcomes of numerous situations, he must know that this was a good idea…right?
“HEY! Time is money, people! I said, are we ready to shoot scene one or not?” Mr. Schneider took his seat in his proverbial director’s chair. “Places, people!"
The Avengers took their places inside the bisected set that had altered to look somewhat like a submarine. Iron Man at the helm (which he bemusedly thought resembled the steering wheel of a pirate ship, rather than something of his own sophisticated design). Thor and Giant Man took their places, staring out of the cutout 'window' at the back wall of the submarine at Steve's prostrate form, still suspended from the harness. Giant Man squinted at the silhouette, wondering in amusement if Steve had perhaps nodded off while hanging there waiting for everyone to get their act together. The director clapped once. "And…cue narrator!”
A deep voice emanated from somewhere offstage. "Miles from shore, an undersea craft of unusual design cruises silently through the water. Aboard are four equally unusual characters. From their observation window, they behold the frozen figure of a man drifting by."
Thor jumped a bit, realizing that his line was the first. He had been caught off-guard with wondering where exactly that voice had been coming from. His brain attempted to remember the words from the script; everything had seemed so, well...scripted. Though it had seemed like an eternity to him, in a split-second he managed to sputter out his lines.
"Halt thine engines! I do behold the form of a man, drifting as if carried by the mighty hand of Odin!"
"CUT!"
Thor raised an eyebrow in alarm. "Why, did I fault in my recitation of the line?"
"Thor, baby..." The director put his arm around his shoulder casually, yet reflecting an undeniably impatient annoyance. "The line is, 'Stop the engines. There's someone out there. 'Plain English."
"Understood, yet I forsaw my use of the classical dialect of Asgard to add truth and virility to these lines, which have clearly been written not by a scribe who--"
"Stop. The. Engines. There's. Someone. Out. There. Just like that. No more, no less."
Thor's face reddened slightly, his mouth drawing tightly into a firm, straight line. He began to speak, his words sounding incredibly forced, almost mocking the director's light Boston accent.
"Stop the engines. Th...There's someone out there."
Tony, Hank, and Jan had never seen Thor look so defeated.
The director smirked. "Great. Now just add a bit of emotion there and you've got yourself a line! Scene one, take two! And...action!" The cameras resumed rolling.
Once again, the strangely deep voice erupted from an unknown location. "Miles from shore, an undersea craft of unusual design cruises silently through the water. Aboard are four equally unusual characters. From their observation window, they behold the frozen figure of a man drifting by."
Thor was still frowning slightly, and sounded much less enthusiastic than he had when he was speaking comfortably. "Stop the engines, there's someone out there." He glanced momentarily at the director, who smiled and nodded while throwing him a huge thumbs-up.
The light on the camera angled at the topside 'door' of the submarine lit up, cueing Hank and Steve to start their scene. Hank opened the hatch, reaching out into the 'water' to grab the still-suspended Steve. Hank, of course, questioned the realism and logic behind opening up the top hatch of a submarine while it was submerged, but then again...this was the director's idea. Not his. Hank shouted, in the same voice and with the same booming gusto as previously instructed, "I'VE GOT HIM!" His huge hand wrapped somewhat around Steve's legs and reeled him towards the hatch as the elastic harness pulled against the force and soap bubbles floated clumsily through the air.
"Great! Scene one, done! Places for scene two!" The director pushed himself back from the edge of his seat. Once Steve had been successfully detached from his harness, he joined the others inside the 'submarine', still donning his ragged clothes. The director clapped twice. "Scene two! And...action!"
Hank was right on the ball. "WHO COULD HE BE?" he boomed, hand placed statuesquely on his chin to convey 'thought'. The others gathered around Steve's form. Of course, they all knew that this wasn't the way it had actually happened. They had all known damn well who he was - he was Captain America, undeniably. And he was frozen in ice, not nonsensically drifting freely in the water column. But, once again, the director's 'creative license' had intervened in the name of ratings, because, as he put it when confronted with the report of the actual event, "Where's the drama in that?"
Thor sighed slightly, looking resigned as he managed to recall his next line. "He has some sort of costume. Red. White. Blue." Thor had paraphrased this line, actually; being robbed of his individual and cultural pride was not something he wanted to endure for longer than he had to. In his opinion, the line had served its purpose. Luckily, Mr. Schneider hadn't argued about it so the scene continued smoothly...Well, as smoothly as it could have gone.
The Wasp hovered above Steve, who was pretending to be 'dead', but was struggling not to smile at the sheer ludicrousness of the situation. He felt the Wasp's wings send a gentle breeze at his face as she recited, "Don't you recognize it? It's the costume of Captain America!" Jan was a surprisingly good actress, and seemed to understand the basic effect Mr. Schneider was going for. She spoke in an overly smooth, overly feminine, almost ridiculous voice. But...She knew what the media wanted, and she would rather make her own changes before she'd let someone try to tell her what to do. She knew that the media's favorite women were submissive, elegant, and seductive. Though it was genuinely against her own ideals, she knew that it would get ratings, which would help get she and Hank a better life, less stress. She did what she knew she had to do. And, she had to face it, she was damn good at it.
"The Wasp is right!" exclaimed Iron Man, in his best on-screen voice. Years of public speaking had given him the best, most polished-sounding voice possible, even if it was a bit muffled by his helmet (which, at that early level, lacked the advance voice-distortion technology of his later models). However, seeing as he was basically the one who came up with the idea for the movie, he was a bit dismayed over the fact that his first line was nothing of note, not to mention that it was also a line pointing out that someone else was right. He was admittedly a bit irritated.
Jan continued to hover over Steve as he fluttered his eyes, pretending to come around. "He's alive...His eyes!" she noted enthusiastically, when suddenly Steve jumped up and crouched in a defensive position.
"Bucky, Bucky look out!" He turned aggressively to the rest of the group, acting quite serious. "You can't kill Bucky, I'll smash you all!" Steve didn't know if he was amused or insulted that one of his lines was "I'll smash you all" - Steve would never, ever say anything that coarse. But while he was largely concerned with the preservation of his character, he had to admit that the concept of Captain America threatening to "smash" someone was actually quite funny. With that, he ran at Giant Man, Iron Man, and Thor, dogpiling them almost playfully while the cameraman shook the camera to make the magnitude of his attack even more apparent.
Giant Man stretched out an arm to shield himself from Captain America in relatively believable alarm. "STOP HIM, HE'S GONE MAD!" he yelled. Steve broke his hold on Thor and Iron Man and crouched with his head down, breathing heavily. "I...I remember now...He's dead..." He stood up and faced them. "...Where am I?! What happened?!" He sounded desperate and bewildered.
"Suppose you tell us!" Tony was smirking the entire time, though no one could see it. He was surprised at the conviction with which Steve was acting; but then again, this was Steve's story, and he knew that in Steve's mind, not taking it seriously would mean that he was mocking it. Maybe he'd thought of it the whole time he was hanging up in the air like that, he thought.
"And...CUT! Okay, Mr. America --"
"You can call me Steve."
"...Okay, Steve, we're gonna need you to record the voiceover for the flashback scene. We need to film it on-location sometime in the next few days, but we haven't been able to find a boy who fits your description of Bucky. But if you'd be willing, uh, Steve, to just record that little voiceover real quick, we could get it out of the way..." The director waved Steve out of the main soundstage and into a recording booth set into the south wall of the studio. After briefing him on how to use the microphone, Steve began to record the voiceover that would describe his last few moments living in his own generation.
"The last thing I remember...Bucky and I were stationed in Greenland. A drone loaded with high explosives had broken its moorings. Bucky leaped on the drone, but was unable to deactivate it without my help. I was trying desperately to reach him...But I was unable to hang on! After that...awful explosion, I knew that Bucky was gone, gone forever. After falling into the cold waters of the Atlantic, I...I faintly recall sinking...down, down..." Steve closed his eyes as he finished speaking. He hadn't anticipated stuttering through his monologue, much less feeling his throat tighten the way it did.
Tony sat thoughtfully at the side of the stage, faceplate up, experiencing the classic struggle between satisfying his own ego and his desire to see others' wishes fulfilled. In most situations he was able to achieve both, and while he was definitely interested in seeing Steve have the opportunity to show the general public an important piece of his life story, he had been more than a little disappointed that he had such a small part in the production that he had coordinated. Iron Man was something to awe, and while he had certainly never been frozen for decades, he felt it appropriate that he get a chance to show what he could do. He thought of the perfect time to do it.
"Okay, people, back on!" Mr. Schneider yelled after Steve emerged from the recording booth. "This is going to be scene four. Everyone know your shit?"
The five of them returned to their respective places on the set. Steve turned before them, in full costume, and stoically resumed his lines, continued from his voiceover. "...And...And that's all I remember."
Iron Man faced Captain America in confrontation. "But how can you claim to be that same man?" Tony made a ludicrously outraged face at Steve behind his faceplate, then silently held back laughter. Just another one of the perks.
"It's no claim! I am Steve Rogers, known to the world as Captain America!" Steve stood defiantly before them, shield in hand, the classic image the world had come to know, love and trust. As he stood, the director scribbled down a reminder to insert blaring fanfare while showing him standing there.
Thor stepped out from behind the others. "B-But Captain America disappeared two decades ago!" Thor sounded slightly more comfortable with this line, yet to his fellow Avengers who knew him so well, his manner of speaking sounded strange and foreign.
The Wasp, now regular size, put her hand comfortingly on Captain America's arm. "But you are young...Why haven't you aged?" she spoke soothingly.
Iron Man posed aggressively in Captain America's direction and pointed, acknowledging that he must look like a complete madman. But this was Iron Man here, not Tony Stark. Secret identity or not, the two personas were still as different as day and night, and this thing needed some action. Might as well have a little fun. "If this is some sort of trick, Mister, you'll regret it!" That was the first time Tony had ever called Steve "Mister", and hopefully the last.
Captain America looked dejected. "I...I can't explain not aging." He took a defensive stance, shield in hand. "But if you doubt my word, test me!"
Everyone fully acknowledged that this would be the last reaction that Steve would have to someone not believing he was the real deal. While he was excellent at the many forms of strategy and combat, physical fighting was always the last resort. But, then again, how would he prove to a strange group of complete strangers who he was? But as they had already acknowledged, this was never an issue. Just more of the director's 'creative license' at work.
"So be it!" Thor yelled, sounding much more comfortable. He swung Mjolnir powerfully at Captain America, who managed to dodge it by swinging from a nearby pipe. The pipe wasn't actually part of the set; rather, it was part of the soundstage's septic system, but the director assumed no one would know and decided to keep the footage. However, Steve's sudden move off set took the head cameraman completely off-guard, resulting in him completely missing Steve's jump from the floor to the pipe. The director scribbled in his notebook: "Note to self: Fill in missing scene with previously filmed material".
However, the cameras continued rolling as the four male superheroes wrestled briefly. The Wasp, standing at the sidelines, remarked, "My, isn't he something..." She didn't quite know who she was referring to, but figured it would look good onscreen. Give the viewers a rare chance to figure something out for themselves, she thought. She watched as Giant Man ran at the tussling group and yelled, "STAND BACK, I'LL TAKE HIM!" He tackled Captain America, who responded with, "You are big, my friend, but not big enough!" and in return, flipped him over his head and kicked him away. Giant Man proclaimed upon landing, "I'LL SAY ONE THING, HE'S A REAL BALL OF FIRE!"
Iron Man and Thor just stood there. Finally, Thor put and end to the tomfoolery. "Enough!" He pointed at Steve. "You ARE Captain America!"
The Wasp looked up at him demurely. "But where have you been hiding for twenty years?" Jan thought for a minute that perhaps an improvisational "tee hee" might be in order, yet her better judgment told her that would be overdoing it.
Captain America put his hand to his chin thoughtfully. "I must have been frozen in an ice flow, and somehow remained in a state of suspended animation. I'm grateful to all of you for rescuing me...But who are you?!?"
Thor raised Mjolnir high above his head, a move that had become customary over the years for whenever he wanted to delcare something. "We are known as the mighty Avengers!" This line came much more easily. "I am Thor, God of Thunder!"
"My name is Iron--"
"CUT!" Mr. Schneider jumped up from his chair. "Okay, so we know that you're Thor, God of Thunder. Yaddah yaddah yaddah. But where's the proof? I could tell you that my house is made of gold, but you wouldn't believe me until I showed you."
A stagehand raised a finger in meek interjection. "But, uh, Mr. Schneider, sir, your house is made of gold. Remember your Christmas party last year? You gave everyone the full tour, and--"
"You are FIRED! Get the Hell out of here! I don't need you little freaks undermining my brilliant authority!" He watched as the stagehand walked out of the studio dejectedly, shoulders slumped in defeat. Mr. Schneider turned back to Thor. "Anyways...what I - and therefore, the public - look for in something like this is action. If you SAY you're the God of Thunder, show us! Give us some of that thunder!" Mr. Schneider looked at Thor in anticipation.
Thor shook his head in stolid refusal. "I must tell thee, good sir, that the mighty power of the hammer Mjolnir can not be exploited for the sake of mortals' amusement. It contains the power of the Gods, and I am afraid I can not...well, should not display its strength for mere entertainment..." Thor suddenly looked puzzled. "And hast thou forgotten that we, the Avengers, in this imaginary setting, are currently stationed in a submarine, hundreds of feet below the ocean's surface...?"
Mr. Schneider's arms dropped heavily to his sides with exasperation. "Forget about it. Forget about the submarine. This isn't a Goddamn science class, it's an action show about super heroes. The audience doesn't want to see Thor, the mighty God of Thunder meekly obeying safety codes. They want to see thunder! And...and lightning! And, like, Pegasus or whatever you do."
Thor's brow furrowed. "I am afraid I do not understand the idea of the 'Pegasus' of which you speak. However, thy demeanor denotes that you once again feel it appropriate to make a mockery of my Asgardian culture. You do not seem to understand the fantastic nature of that which you insult..." Thor held Mjolnir before him with both hands, the hammer sparking and crackling with electric energy. "...So I feel that now you must be shown first-hand the power which you mortals underestimate!"
With that, Thor raised Mjolnir high above his head as the ground shook and thunder roared in the distance. Brilliantly white bolts of lightning crashed through the ceiling of the studio with sharp cracks. The director, following his alarmed utterance of "Holy shit!", ran over to the lead cameraman and whispered in his ear. The cameraman nodded dutifully and flipped a few switches, leveling himself with the eyepiece. Mr. Schneider, in the meantime, cowered in front of Thor, feigning an overdone sense of awe to keep the show going. After a few moments, as the thunder and lightning continued to crash, Mr. Schneider finally felt as if he had gotten all the footage he needed. "Okay, okay! You are the son of Odin! I have been humbled! Humbled, I tell you!"
Thor lowered Mjolnir as he stared down at the cowering director, a deep expression of regal satisfaction radiating from his eyes. "Rightfully so, I must say", he remarked, smiling a bit, "Thou hast made a wise choice. Perhaps it would be the best move to think before insulting the bravest warrior in all Asgard!" Thor looked truly satisfied as he put his hands on his hips and laughed heartily. "Anyways, where had we left off...?"
Mr. Schneider smiled in his own smarmy way. "Forget about it. I think we've gotten everything we need. Iron Man, you ready for your intro?"
Tony, who had in the meantime been sitting boredly at the side of the set with his chin in his hand, suddenly looked up and smiled. "Oh hell yes", he remarked, flipping down his faceplate. This is it, Tony. Show 'em what you've got. Milk it for all it's worth. He cleared his throat and stretched his arms, gathering his thoughts.
Mr. Schneider counted down once again with his fingers. "And...action!"
"My name is Iron Man! My armor is bulletproof." He held out his hands in front of him, palms aimed straight ahead. "My repulsor rays will stop anything!" He powered them up and prepared to fire, when --
"CUT!"
Tony's body slumped slightly. "...What did I do? Did you need more dashing displays of strength and power?"
"No, you got the line wrong. The line reads here, 'My repulsor rays will stop almost anything'."
Tony's eyes widened behind his faceplate, mouth slightly agape in shock. "'Almost' anything?... Are you sure you're reading that correctly...?"
Mr. Schneider scowled at Iron Man. "Yes. Thank you very much, Mr. Genius, Sir, but I can in fact read. The line is 'My repulsor rays will stop almost anything'. So if you could please use that stunning intellect of yours to insert that one word in that one sentence, that would really make my fuckin' day. Take two...and...action!"
Behind his mask, Tony's mouth was pressed firmly into a solid and tight frown of outrage and indignity. He felt a vein in his forehead pulsing strongly. He flexed his hands encased in the powerful (though outdated) gauntlets, the idea of merely blasting away this insolent director briefly crossing his mind -- that is, before he quickly realized how much the studio would be able to sue him for. His lawyers were the best, but...
"I said, action!"
Tony pulled himself together and threw his arms out in front of him again, the repulsors glowing with power. "My name is Iron Man! My armor is bulletproof! My repulsor rays will stop..." he paused and whispered the word "almost", then continued enthusiastically, "...anything!" Powering up his repulsors to their peak, he fired them at full blast towards the cameras to make sure they'd get the perfect shot. Taking off into the air, he engaged the flamethrower that he had long since omitted from his current design yet still found to be a charming memento of days past. Twistedly pleased that his creation was still in working order after so many years, he shot long streams of flames downward towards the floor, his years of experience with such weapons allowing him to fire them off without burning the set down. Fuck it, he thought, If Thor can set off lightning in a submarine, I'll give 'em a run for their money.
The cameras captured images of Iron Man shooting flames and lasers, performing aerial acrobatics, and even whipping out an old laser gun that was hidden (much to his delight) at the hip of his old armor; a true relic from the days before he had designed the armor's main structure to contain everything he could ever imagine needing. It's a shame this old thing doesn't have the roller skates, he told himself. ...Wait, no, I'm glad it doesn't. He cringed.
The cameras cut over to Captain America, who had been watching Iron Man's overdone display of showmanship with relative irritation. He knew what the armor was capable of, and he knew that Tony couldn't help but show it off a bit...it was just... Even for Tony, this was overdoing it. He didn't even notice when the camera zoomed in on his unimpressed, almost scolding expression. Nor did Giant Man notice when they captured him blocking his eyes from the sheer radiance of Tony's repulsor technology. The crew continued to record shot after shot of Iron Man as he soared around the set, shooting off this and that, from the repulsors to the unibeam, hovering in numerous poses for effect. He finally landed, breathing heavily, and whipped up his faceplate, a look of smug pride on his face. Sweat ran down his face and matted his hair as he exclaimed, "How's that?! No need for applause, people, this is just the beginning of what Iron Man can --"
Just then, Tony noticed that the director and crew had already turned their attention to the Wasp, who was filming her introduction. His body slumped in exasperated defeat as he whispered out, "...do." He sighed. "I need a drink." He walked offstage, outdated repulsors still sparking weakly. He didn't notice Steve's amused eyes following him as he walked.
"I am Janet van Dyne, but you may call me the Wasp!" Jan hovered in front of the submarine's control panel in a dainty, feminine pose. "Look...The pill I took..." She returned to normal size. "...Enlarges..." She shrank back down, wings holding her at the cameras' level. "...Or reduces." She was going to mention that she also had an aggressive ability, rather than simply being able to shrink and fly, but figured that it would push viewers away if she mentioned she could actually sting people. Instead, she decided to give Hank the benefit of the attention. "My partner is Henry Pym, also known as Giant Man. Isn't he a gorgeous hunk of super hero?" Might help his image, she thought. He could use a little attention.
She noticed Hank smile in amusement and shoot her a glance after she recited that last line. Once again, he stuck out his chest, and with slightly more confidence than before (mostly as a result of Jan's impromptu compliment), boomed, "AND I TOO HAVE MY PILL, SEE?" Straining in discomfort, he shrank back to his normal size, then even smaller, until he was equal to Jan's height as the Wasp. He took a deep breath. "I am now Ant Man", he huffed, in his normal voice and volume.
"CUT!" Mr. Schneider walked towards Hank, being careful not to step on him. He looked down at him, scowling slightly. "Aren't you gonna, y'know, get all giant again? We've already got one tiny person on this show. The audiences simply won't tolerate two."
Hank winced. "D-Do I have to...right now? Quite honestly, growing and shrinking so frequently do a real number on my body. It actually..." He coughed. "Hurts quite a lot."
The director scoffed. "Jesus, some real super hero we've got here. Guy gets injured just by using his powers, which, might I add, aren't the most impressive of the bunch, if you know what I mean. If we can't have Giant Man and Ant Man, I suppose we'll have to get someone more interesting else to fit in. I know Wolverine's been really popular for superhero cameos lately..."
Hank stared up at him indignantly, the idea of being replaced by Wolverine making his blood boil. "Action", he muttered, then once the cameras had started, began to grow once again. Clenching his teeth in pain and groaning quietly, he once again reached the stature of Giant Man. "Though today...", he groaned, "I prefer to be GIANT MAN!" He put his hands on his hips once again in a show of masculinity and pride, yet couldn't help wincing at the soreness emanating from every part of his body.
"And CUT! Good enough. Okay, everyone ready for the final scene?" Mr. Schneider backed up into his chair while the group gathered once again in the center of the set. "Um, Mr. Stark?"
Tony raised an eyebrow. "...Yes...?"
"I really don't think the families of the American public are going to appreciate seeing Iron Man suckin' down a martini as a role model to their kids", he remarked.
"Oh, shit, yeah, you're right," Tony downed the rest of the drink quickly, like a shot, then threw the glass behind him carelessly as a tiny shattering sound was heard. He swallowed, quickly flipped down his faceplate, then stood up straight. "Bad P. R." Steve rolled his eyes.
"Ready? And...action!"
The Wasp approached Captain America once more. "Now that you have been, well...resurrected, what will you do?" Everyone turned to look at Steve as he gazed proudly and defiantly into the distance (also known as Camera 2).
"I once took an oath to fight for right and freedom!" He held his shield over his heart in allegiance.
"But...The war ended many years ago. The victory was ours." Iron Man stood solidly with his hands on his hips, even though Tony had to admit he was a bit tipsy.
Giant Man interjected. "BUT THE WORLD WILL ALWAYS HAVE NEED OF MEN LIKE YOU!" <i>Wow</i>, he thought, That came out awkward. Luckily we're being paid by word... Right? He glanced around uneasily.
Thor raised his arm, turned towards the others in an especially awkward position. "So say we all!" He had improvised this line in a desperate act to retain his character through the whole 'speech' ordeal. The director didn't even seem to notice it.
"Your place is with us!" recited Iron Man, blinking and glancing around awkwardly after he had said his line. He noticed the camera was still on him.
Thor raised Mjolnir in victory as the others gathered around Steve. "Come forward, Captain America! Take your place among...the AVENGERS!" Thor recited the final line with such gusto and enthusiasm it sent chills down Steve's spine. Steve smiled a bit, surrounded by his greatest friends, reliving the moments when he had realized that the people who had come across his suspended form all those years ago were loyal friends, allies, and confidants. It kind of made him feel warm inside, even if the circumstances surrounding this reenactment had been insane, to say the least.
Their proud and happy moment was broken, however, by the same booming voice they had heard ring through the studio earlier. "And so, the man with the shield joins the champions of justice."
"And...CUT! That is a wrap, people!" Mr. Schneider clapped a few times, jumping jubilantly up from his chair.
Hank raised a giant-sized hand meekly. "Wait, uh, Mr. Schneider, where was that voice coming from?"
"Who, the narrator? Just some guy we picked up off the streets. Stephen something."
Suddenly, a burst of light and smoke erupted before the group. "That's Doctor Stephen Strange, I'll have you know! Sorcerer Supreme!" He struck a flamboyant pose.
"Wait, Dr. Strange? What're you doing here? Why be a narrator?" Iron Man asked.
Dr. Strange's shoulders suddenly slumped, his head hanging in defeat. Quietly and shamefully, he replied, "...Dr. Strange, Sorcerer Supreme...needs work."
The whole set; our five heroes, our director and his crew, and the desperate-for-work Dr. Strange, erupted into laughter and didn't stop for a good ten minutes, then packed up and returned to their respective places of dwelling.
---------
"Hey, it's coming on!" Jan exclaimed, hushing the other four heroes as the Captain America theme song began to blare from the television.
Steve smiled meekly. "Does anyone else besides me find that song incredibly annoying?" He chuckled sheepishly, realizing the awkwardness of not liking one's own theme song.
"Well, yeah, not really. It sounds like a nursery rhyme or something", Hank replied.
As they watched the special that they had spent weeks learning their lines for, hours being fitted for specially-made costumes and made-up, and bossed around by possibly the most psychotic director to ever exist, they couldn't help feeling proud. Everything was finished; even the flashback scene had been filmed once they had found a suitable actor to play Bucky.
By no means, however, did that entail that the movie wasn't utterly and completely ridiculous. Hank, Jan, Thor, and even Steve had laughed through most of it, especially when they saw that post-editing had reused footage of Thor looking out the window at Steve's floating form to fill in for a line he had missed: "It is only fitting that you divulge your secret!", even though Steve had already been recovered. Hank and Jan cuddled together on the big easy chair in the main living room of the Mansion, exchanging quiet, sensual whispers and giggling about how many times the camera caught them looking at each other when they weren't supposed to.
Thor couldn't help but laugh at the way he had been instructed to speak for the duration of the film, as he put it, "It was verily a true test of will, and I once again prevailed!" - which the other Avengers had interpreted as Thor bragging about being a good actor.
Meanwhile, Tony just kind of sat there at the end of the couch, looking wholly disturbed; his investments and months of negotiation had come to this? He shook his head as the credits rolled, recounting the numerous filmography and editing problems and the complete assholery of the director. Part of him wanted to file some sort of suit against Mr. Schneider; his lawyers could probably find a way. But then again...He had still done what he had sought to do. He had been able to tell the story of Captain America, of Steve Rogers, and that was all he had really wanted. Steve deserved to have his story told more than anyone he knew, and while Iron Man may have been a technological wonder, Steve had heart, which in any situation, was hard to find.
His thoughts were broken off by the solid touch of a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he beheld Steve - his brain expected to see a look of anger across his face; instead, he saw a lighthearted smile, which Tony returned, aiming his eyes back at the floor and chuckling lightly.
"I know you did the best you could. I mean, if it's any consolation, they really didn't mangle me too much, besides that whole 'I'll smash you all' line". Steve chuckled.
"I know, I know. I just..." Tony looked irritated. "I wanted it to really tell your story. I mean, plus, if it had been anything even vaguely worth watching, the money would have been great..."
"It's not about the money, Tony. I know that may be hard for you to comprehend, but it's not. Frankly, I had fun. As crazy as those couple days of filming were, I've got to say I was probably most amused at your attempts to steal the show," he smirked. "I mean, not that I wouldn't expect that..."
Tony smiled. Steve did know him all too well. Maybe it was worth it. He got to tell the story of the man he respected most, of the friends he trusted more than anything. Maybe, as terrible as it had turned out... it was worth it.
Plus, he had given Dr. Strange work, and the feeling of satisfaction was indescribable.
THE END.
I sincerely hope you enjoyed it! Not bad when all I had to work with was a 5 minute cartoon. Please comment or IM me (AIM: TimeForAryn) and let me know what you think! Thank you so much for reading!
I AM SO HONORED
I love how this is ridiculous and hokey and parody and yet...canon. And that's really why everyone needs to get on board with 1960s Avengers. Seriously.
kfksdgdsfsdg the end reminded me of one of the tapes we played at at the Gamestop I worked at when Web of Shadows was about to come out, and they asked Stan Lee who deserved more screentime, and he was like "Dr Strange! He's so underused. We need more with this guy."
METHINKS YOU KNOW HOW TO WIN MY HEART with cute hank/jan at the end as a side to tony steve :3 I like to think now the expression in my icon can be explained by Hank being tired out of having to grow and shrink a bunch of times, Tony being tipsy, and Thor being totally put out but seeing this through. So awesome.
IN SUMMARY: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE
ARE YOU GOING TO DO MORE FIC? y/y(/y)
Re: I AM SO HONORED
Heh, it was unbelievably hard to create a motive for every ridiculously inane thing that took place in the cartoon. But I think I tied it together quite nicely. I was worried about the characterization since I've never written marvel before but I feel like I know the chars so well from being such a huge comics fan.
The Thor part, I thought, was awesome, as was the whole thing with IM showing off only to realize no one's really looking XD Poor Tones.
And yes, I will totally write more fics, lol.
LOL At your image marco
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LMAO
Horrible, man, horrible. :) Terrific fic though. :D
Re: LMAO
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this made me smile the whole way through... ooo that director! *glares*
MORE! :D :D
=D
Re: =D
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Poor Thor. The film industry has no respect for his rich Asgardian heritage. And Tony not being the centre of attention- blasphemy! He was right to try and correct such a grave error of judgement on the Director's part XD
Oh and--
Suddenly, a burst of light and smoke erupted before the group. "That's Doctor Stephen Strange, I'll have you know! Sorcerer Supreme!" He struck a flamboyant pose.
*giggles, snorts and chokes*
"Wait, Dr. Strange? What're you doing here? Why be a narrator?" Iron Man asked.
Dr. Strange's shoulders suddenly slumped, his head hanging in defeat. Quietly and shamefully, he replied, "...Dr. Strange, Sorcerer Supreme...needs work."
Oh Strange. You poor poor man. *pets him* The Sorcerer Supreme Allowance really isn't enough to support a person of his stature in these hard economic times ;P
I love this muchly, and I demand more from you! :D