[Fanfic, R] 10 things

[the-oke.livejournal.com]

Title: 10 things I'll always hate about you, no matter how much I love you. Steve Rogers.

Characters: Steve, Tony

Rating: PG-13

Genre:  Crack

Summary: See title.

 

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10. You don't snore.

Tony, do you have any idea how annoying it is to wake up in the middle of the night because it's too quiet? You'll give me an heart attack one day!
Everybody I have shared a room with until now was snoring – Bucky, Sam, Clint - even Sharon did! I can't sleep like this, lying on my side of the bed and not hear you breath in and out so load the walk-in cupboard is shaking.

9. You know to much about sex.

I love you, and I love making love to you, and I love it even more when you talk about us making love – but more often than not I have no idea what you're referring too, and it's so depressing! I'm an old man, and I haven't had that many lovers nor read a lot of those adult books, so I'm already pretty proud to know what fellatio is... I know it amuses you to fantasize about what we could to and what not and so on, but can we stick to the basics? I feel sorta left out when you talk about foreign kinky stuff.

8. Take care of yourself is nothing but an empty phrase to you.

I like taking care of you, and I like to think now and then that you'd be hopelessly lost without me – but I hate coming to your lab after a three day mission and find it to be quite the truth. You love to work on interesting things and tend to forget about the rest of the world and your own needs; it's like a highly sophisticated form of suicide you're practicing when I'm not round! For the sake of those round you, start taking care of yourself! And not only when you find you haven't eaten for five days and just fainted from hunger, you horrible person!

7.You try to like things I like.

Tony, I now you like soccer ten times better than football, and that milkshakes gross you out; you don't have to like the things I like, or pretend you do, it's perfectly okay for you to dislike some of my favorites – in fact, I'd be feeling a lot better if you did. Watching you eat muesli with raisins or read historical novel novels is painful; and believe me hon, I've got no problem with eating peanut butter sandwich whilst you make yourself a pizza. Same goes for wearing wool socks, jogging in the morning and strawberry ice cream.

6. You're too sensitive.

Please, don't get me wrong on this Tony, I love your ability to read and understand people and empathize – but sometimes, you're overdoing it, you know? Often, a stupid comment is nothing but a stupid comment and nothing to take serious, and for sure not something to think about for days to come and make yourself feel bad about it. Can't you be more of a klutz at times?

5. Coffee is no religion.

I'm considered to be a very understanding, reasonable man; but if you look at our coffee maker one more time with such longing, loving eyes, something very bad might happen to it!

4. You're feet are cold.

No, not cold – ice cold, subzero cold! Tony, you're a man – man aren't supposed to have feet that cold! I know you don't like to wear socks, but please – for me?
Each time we cuddle I think my toes are going to fall off when they come in contact with your feet... Take a foot soak, let me massage them, fix yourself some iron feet warmers, but do something about those icy feet of yours!

3. You're still a womanizer.

Stop attracting women! It bothers me! No matter where we show up, they're after you – and pretending all the time I think it's funny when I think it's not is really begging to get me! With guys I can compete, but against those long legged, man-eating, gold-digging, mean girls of today are playing in another league!

2. You don't like yourself.

Why? I don't get it, you're a good man, and you're trying so hard to do the right things, you're brave, kind and funny – just why can't you like yourself Tony? I love you, more than anything else in the world, you've got so many friends who like you, believe it – Tony, even your foes admire you! – but you rather choose to hate yourself, for reasons nobody can understand.

1. You're stalking me.

Sweets, we're living together. We share bed, bathroom and everything else (except your love for expensive cars). I've seen you naked, you've seen me naked, and we've done unspeakable things to each other, both clothed and naked. We know each other, in and out. We sometimes even wear each others undies and don't realize it.

We're a married couple, for goddess sake – Tony, there's no need for you to stalk me if you want to take a picture of me! Even if it is in the shower, or when I'm working out... Just ask, and don't sneak after me, using stealth mode! You are no little teenage fan boy, and I'm no idol!

And Tony, please, stop enshrining me, it's so embarrassing! You know how it feels to stumble over a one million dollar collection of Cap goodies?! You even got the limited toe rings...

Oh Tony, why? I am right here, just for you, your own private special limited single super edition!
Just come and get me!