(FIC) Rule 34 (1/1)

[glasgowsmiles.livejournal.com]

Title: Rule 34
Author: GlasgowSmiles
Rating: R to be on the safe side...
Warning/Spoilers: slightly meta fun-times
Pairing:  Steve/Tony
Word Count: 1,222
Beta: The fantastic ellyr_in_ink and any mistakes are mine
A/N: Not a sequel or prequel to anything else so far, just a little thing that came to me.
Summary: Steve learns some disturbing truths about the modern world. Tony learns one fantastic truth about Steve.

 

“Whatcha looking at?”

“Nothing!” Tony slammed his laptop shut. The motion was swift and forceful enough that he almost upset his coffee.

“Uh, yeah, I’m not stupid.” Steve raised one eyebrow. “That’s the kind of reaction that screams ‘something.’”

Tony’s mind raced. Should he lie? Tell enough of the truth to get Steve to go away, but not enough of the truth to get Steve to run screaming? Just let the chips fall where they may?

Steve pulled the laptop across the table, turning it around and flipping it open in one smooth motion. “Embarrassing secret hobby? I mean, it can’t be that bad or you wouldn’t be doing it in the dining room, right?”

Tony squirmed. Steve blanched.

“Okay, first, let me say in my defense, this was purely intellectual curiosity and not prurient interest.”

“Tony... What exactly am I looking at?”

“See, rule thirty-four—of the rules of the Internet?—states that if something exists, then there is, um, porn of it. On the Internet.”

“There are rules for the Internet, and they don’t prohibit this?” Steve goggled, backing away from the laptop a step.

“Hey, you’re the freedom of expression guy. That’s a basic right, right?”

“But—this is—“

“Intellectual curiosity!” Tony grabbed for the laptop. “Anyway, question answered. There is... well, you saw it. For, um, us. Not us-us! General, just, Avengers sort of...”

“Why are people on the Internet under the impression that you and I like to...” Steve coughed delicately. “Share lady friends?”

“No, it has nothing to do with what people think happens! It’s more... what people would like to see happen. Wait, that doesn’t make it better. If it helps, I am personally outraged by most of this.” He frowned in what he hoped was a sincere manner, crossing his arms and casting a disapproving look towards the screen.

Tony decided it would be best not to mention the ones he wasn’t outraged by. It was gratifying to know that he wasn’t the only person who felt that Captain America should be taking Tony Stark on top of his desk. It was also nice to know someone out there felt that, even with Captain America, Iron Man was a top.

The fact that both these images existed did make him wonder if his secret identity was in some kind of danger, but the Internet felt that a lot of people wanted a piece of Captain America, so after some brief deliberation he felt like he could relax.

Steve walked around the table to look over his shoulder. “Are you still clicking on things? Stop clicking on things!”

“Been there,” Tony yawned, scrolling through. “Done that. She is crazy, and I don’t mean the good kind, I mean the kind that likes to get stabby. Ugh, not on your life.”

“Seriously, stop cli—OH! Ah, ew, no. That’s—No! Just... Make that stop.”

“Navigating away from the scary pictures, don’t worry. Ooh. Okay, now that is pretty sexy.”

“Tony, that’s you.” Steve crossed his arms. “With you.”

“I know, but look how sleek it looks. I need to get with someone I’d trust with my armor because that’s disturbingly attractive.”

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just confess to being sexually attracted to your armor,” Steve grimaced.

Tony reached for his coffee, drained it, and stood. “I’m getting a refill. You want a cup?”

“Sure.” Steve took his chair. “Hey, Tony...?”

“Mm?”

“Why did you bookmark some of these?”

“Damn! I never should have taught you about the Internet! Don’t look at those.”

There was a long silence.

“Steve?”

Silence.

“One and a half sugars, no milk, yeah?” Tony asked, even though he didn’t need to.

Steve still said nothing.

“You looked at those, didn’t you?”

“You said there weren’t ones of us. Not of us-us. The two of us alone.”

“I didn’t think you wanted to hear it.”

“There are... quite a few.”

“See, that’s the laptop that no one but me ever touches. It’s completely unconnected from every other computer I own. The sole purpose of that laptop is pornography. Well, and a couple different sim games, a couple of files that are more intellectual masturbation than the physical kind, but—“

“The fact that you didn’t think I’d see it is not an explanation for the fact that y—Wait, you have this saved to the machine itself?”

“... No?”

“Tony.” He stood. Loomed, really.

Tony sank into his recently vacated chair, feeling about a foot tall under the full force of the Captain America glare. “Only the good ones. I don’t save the creepy Photoshops of gay porn. Well, okay, there’s one, you know, porn parody on there, but I swear that one really was for novelty’s sake. It’s more sadly hilarious than titillating.”

“I don’t want to know.”

“It’s called ‘Avengers Ass-emble’. It’s unwatchable.”

“What did I just—Yeah, never mind. Wait, actually, no. I think I deserve an explanation right about now. Or ten minutes ago.”

“Have we been at this for ten minutes?” Tony stalled.

“Stark, I am giving you one chance, right now, to tell me the absolute, unvarnished truth. If you can’t do that before I walk out the door, then I guess I’ll see you the next time someone tries to level Manhattan.”

Tony’s heart thudded. “Okay, I’ll give. If you really want to know—“

“No, Tony, I just thought I’d ask repeatedly and offer you an ultimatum for fun.” Steve rolled his eyes. It should have been a light gesture, but his brow was drawn down and his fists were balled up at his sides.

“It’s a sex thing. I mean, it’s a you thing. I mean, you’re a—Hang on. I get that I can’t have the real thing. What I can have is an evening alone with libelous erotica featuring my best friend, which I honestly thought you’d never find out about.”

“I thought Rhodey was your best friend.”

“Really? That’s what you’re taking away from this? If there’s porn of me and Rhodey, I don’t want to see it.”

Steve perched on the edge of the table. “So all this...?”

“All this is me having a thing for you and being kind of a creep about it.”

“Who said you couldn’t have the real thing?” Steve reached over to flip the laptop closed again, pushing it away from Tony.

“I don’t know, the Common Sense Fairy?”

Steve’s hand cupped his face. “Next time you could ask me, instead of searching out reasonable facsimiles on the Internet.”

Tony swallowed. “I could ask you?”

“Unless you and your Tijuana Bible collection have a hot date.”

“Okay, first of all, I feel compelled to tell you that that was very much an outdated cultural reference. Second of all, no, I’d be perfectly happy to replace the whole deal with the real thing. Seriously? I could have just asked you? How long has this been going on?”

“A while.” Steve leaned in, his lips just grazing Tony’s. “Why, wanna do something about it?”

Tony stood, grabbing Steve by the hand and tugging him down from the table. “Bed?”

“Bed works.”

---/-/---

Peter Parker didn’t make any deep assumptions on passing Steve and Tony in the hall, but the computer he found sleeping on the dining room table probably scarred him for life.



Comments

[valtyr]

D'aww, this is cute and funny; you have a lot of good lines here.

“There are rules for the Internet, and they don’t prohibit this?”

Hee! That's lovely. And Tony liking Tony/Iron Man porn is really funny.

Are you interested in concrit?

[glasgowsmiles.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

Heh, Tony *would* ship himself/his armor... you know, until it comes to life and kidnaps him...

Concrit me! (um, woah, I'm late in getting around to this... but anyway, if you remember what it was, let me know)

[valtyr]

Well, I don't know how familiar you are with the technical terms, but you start in tight third person, which is to say we're breathing down Tony's neck and sharing his thoughts, and end up in omniscient, which is that we're getting only their actions and words. The last bit that's anything like 'in the head' is It should have been a light gesture, but his brow was drawn down and his fists were balled up at his sides. And the emotional payoff - when they share their feelings - should in most cases not be where we are distanced from the characters.

Like, this: “No, it has nothing to do with what people think happens! It’s more... what people would like to see happen. Wait, that doesn’t make it better. If it helps, I am personally outraged by most of this.” He frowned in what he hoped was a sincere manner, crossing his arms and casting a disapproving look towards the screen. is really nicely done. His actions and thoughts mesh beautifully with his dialogue, we can clearly picture him, it sounds like Tony.

Whereas this: “Really? That’s what you’re taking away from this? If there’s porn of me and Rhodey, I don’t want to see it.”

Steve perched on the edge of the table. “So all this...?”

“All this is me having a thing for you and being kind of a creep about it.” seems more like Steve perched on the table so you could break up the dialogue. There's no thoughts, no voice. I mean, you could have added a reaction shot of Steve about Tony/Rhodey porn, or Tony contemplating such porn, or maybe the fine definitions of best best friend. Character stuff, that draws us in.

I totally do this all the time; I tend to draft my fics in almost pure dialogue, and then I have to put in blocking (actions) and then I have to put in interior stuff. And it's such a pain! But it really does make the story better in the end.