cap_ironman | (no subject)

Gorgeous!

Iron Man and Cap are riding a unicorn. Everything in life is invalid but this.

Oh shit, idea incoming.

I worte that fic.

With all due respect and apology to Muccamukk and his superior unicorn fic, here is some silly unicorn Steve/Tony marriage whatever nonsense -- in two parts

~*~*~

The first sighting was late evening, June 24th. Shortly thereafter, more sightings came flooding in and the descriptions were full of contradictions. One report said that the unicorn's horn glowed with the vibrant colors of the rainbow. Another described the beast as appearing in a pool of moonlight -- during the middle of the day. Yet another said patches of wildflowers sprang up in its step. Tony squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his forehead before he dropped the file on the table.

"A. Fucking. Unicorn!?"

"Hmm?"

"Moonlight in the middle of the day? Flowers? This has got to be a hoax."

"Oh."

"Have you read the file, Steve? People think there's a fucking unicorn in New York City. New York City! Do people here even know what horses look like? Maybe a white horse got loose and is hiding out in Central Park or wherever -- a fucking unicorn?"

Steve made a non-committal noise from his seat at the kitchen table.

"I mean, look at this! It looks like someone took a blurry photo of a christmas light reindeer! And this one! Can you even tell it has four legs?"

Steve sipped at his orange juice and waited.

"I bet people are just seeing things after the Senate vote on Friday. Gay hallucinations. Just what the community needs -- we're already accused of all being drugged out sex fiends who can't keep it in our pants -- What's so funny?"

"Well, you kind of are a sex fiend."

Tony snorted. "Not the point, and I don't need any chemical enhancements to perform. And besides, I don't hear you complaining, Mr. 'Is it my turn on bottom.'"

Steve flushed to this tips of his ears, but his grin stayed put. He calmly took another sip of OJ and winked at Tony over the rim, earning him an exasperated sigh.

"You're impossible, you know that? And what, now DOOM wants to get his hands on this-- this UNICORN? I can whip up a crappy christmas lawn ornament by noon and ship it to Latveria. Do we have his address? Fucking hell, I hate magic. Why can't it make any sense, bastards..."

Steve waited patiently for the tirade to run its course, and when the frustrated monologue had subsided, he stood and put his hand on Tony's shoulder.

"Save your strength. We're on patrol for this thing later today."

Tony stiffened under his hand. "NO WAY. NO WAY AM I HUNTING FOR A FIGMENT OF PEOPLE'S IMAGINATION TODAY."

Steve just sighed and dragged Tony out of the kitchen.

~*~*~

Later that week, the Avengers stopped a horde of Doombots holding the nuns of Corpus Christi Monastery hostage.

"Damnit -- now we have to stop Doom from getting anything he wants, even if what he wants is imaginary? What if he just wants a cheeseburger, do we need to stop him then, too?"

"Tony, he was holding nuns hostage. That's not legal. Doom can get a cheeseburger like an upstanding citizen by waiting in line at McDonald's and that's fine. And besides, a unicorn is not a burger."

"Maybe that's what he wants. A uni-burger."

"Tony, shut up."

"I hate magic."

~*~*~

It was a week later that they found the unicorn. Both Steve and Tony had been having trouble sleeping -- for no fun or meaningful reason -- and decided to take a walk through Central Park to clear their heads. As they rounded a bend, they saw two figures standing in the clearing, one wearing a long cloak and the other bathed in a pool of moonlight.

Tony activated his comm only to discover that the connection was dead. With no time to return to the mansion for backup, they snuck along the edge of the clearing as quickly as they dared.

As they drew closer, Tony could see that the beast was indeed a unicorn and all the descriptions he had reviewed were inadequate. Its entire being emitted an unearthly, silvery glow, flecked with color. Its long, tightly spiraled horn was almost translucent and iridesced as if made of mother of pearl and opal.

They watched in horror as Doom reached toward the unicorn but were rooted to the spot and unable even to whisper. Slowly, slowly, an armored hand reached out almost hesitantly to the horn.

For what seemed like an eternity, the mad scientist held the slender horn, making no move, his posture slumped. Finally, the unicorn broke contact and Doom fell to his knees in the grass, his face buried in his hands, shoulders heaving gently.

Tony and Steve had little time to wonder at the sight of Doom weeping in the field of lilies that had sprung up as the unicorn now bent its attention on them.

Under its gaze, Tony felt a thin tendril of warmth sprout in his belly that grew and expanded, filling his limbs and mind with a powerful yet calming exhilaration. He glanced quickly at Steve and saw dazzling wonderment across his face, knowing that his own looked much the same.

The unicorn was now upon them at the edge of the clearing, mane and tail blowing in an eldritch wind. Egged on by some unknown force, Tony stepped toward the unicorn and haltingly placed a hand against the creature's neck. His mind filled with such brimming ecstasy; his skin felt the touch of untold breezes; his eyes lidded with rainbow brightness. He could feel Steve's presence behind him, one strong arm reach to touch its flank.

He watched in wonderment as Steve climbed onto the unicorn's back and offered down a hand, looking into his eyes with liquid irises, themselves pulsing with silvery iridescence. Tony climbed on behind Steve, hands barely clasped around his waist when the unicorn bucked and suddenly...they were flying, soaring through space like a comet, shedding rainbow fire in their wake. The stars looked so close as if he could touch them. Laughing with an ineffable joy, Tony reached out with his free hand to catch them, seeing and feeling Steve do the same. The tremors of Steve's laughter reverberated through his chest, his mind screaming in delight as they chased after stars as if they were young children again, catching fireflies on a summer night...

~*~*~

Tony woke up in bed just before dawn feeling more refreshed than he ever remembered being. Stretching quietly so as not to disturb the Steve-shaped lump next to him, his consciousness slowly booted up, and...he froze.

He remembered the late-night walk in Central Park, Doom weeping in a field of flowers, the surging ecstasy of flight on the back of the...

Tony sat up quickly, waking Steve, who opened sleepy, well-rested eyes.

"Hey...hey. What do you remember?"

"Hmmm? Remember?"

"Oh shit, was that a dream?"

Wordlessly, Steve's arms wrapped around Tony's shoulders, pulling him down on top of a broad chest to place a chaste but satisfied kiss firmly to his lips.

"Wasn't a dream. I was there."

"But..but..how did we.."

"Shh. Don't care. Kiss me."

"But..."

Tony's resistance folded. But not for long. He sat up, brushing floppy locks out of his eyes.

"I don't like not rememberi-- oh hey, what's this?"

In the pre-dawn light, a slim silver band gleamed from his left hand. Looking closely, Tony could almost convince himself that it was emitting a soft rainbow glow. He grabbed Steve's left hand and found a matching one.

Steve smiled, his eyes crinkling. "Well, how 'bout that?"

"Yeah. How about that."

The men looked at each other in silence, jointly reliving the profound experience of last night. Until Tony cleared his throat.

"So, um.. does this mean this is our wedding night?"

Steve chuckled and there was both lust and amusement in that chocolate voice.

"C'mere, you," he said, kicking off the sheets. And it was then that they spotted a third souvenir.

Around the root of Steve's cock, wrapped around his balls, was another, more substantial ring of the same silvery rainbow metal.

Tony and Steve stared at the cockring. And then at each other, grins slowly rising on their faces.

~*~*~

Epilogue

"Wait a minute. Why did you get the unicorn cockring?"

"Shut up, Tony."

I am absolutely killing myself laughing. I love Magic-Hating!Tony so much. Poor man.

And DOOM! (which should always be written in all caps) In a field of lilies! Weeping!

And Magic unicorn wedding rings!

I love you so much!

Oh you with the flattery! I am glad you enjoyed -- inspiration just yelled in my ear after seeing the artwork and reading ewanspotter's comment.

All fics involving unicorn riding and Doom kidnapping nuns to trade for unicorns should end in rainbow cock rings.

Your wish is my command! (And having a comment come from someone whose work brought me into the fandom is kind of a big deal for me!)

And a beautiful unicorn-riding command it was ^_^ (I don't comment on fic or posts nearly enough.)

I take it back. Now THIS makes everything else in life in valid.

You keep saying this stuff and I'll keep trying to one up you. Gimme a sec.

I just have to ask: how many other fandoms have unicorn cockrings? The number may determine the proper level of Awesome this fandom contains (as I am not an unbiased source and think it's over 9000 myself).

I... Really don't have anything else to say. This is perfect, unicorny crack and I salute you.

(Also there is now a 5-minute doodle of Doombots rounding up nuns for unicorn-trading in my sketchpad. How did that get there, idek.)

Wait wait wait. YOU CANNOT SAY YOU HAVE THIS DOODLE AND PROCEED NOT TO SHARE.

(http://s92.photobucket.com/albums/l26/Taiyou_to_tsuki/?action=view&current=IMG_1403.jpg)

Five minutes of my life I'll never get back, right there. |Db

YES. THE BEST 5 MINUTES EVER SPENT

*sniggers*

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I SHOULD BE DOING RESEARCH INSTEAD OF THIS BUT OK

Part 2

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