cap_ironman | Not Cut Out for Love

Universe: Movie, but no canon was referenced in the writing and all references to events are intentionally vague
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Beta: Betaless
Title: Not Cut Out for Love
Author/Artist:

callahanwade
Summary: A meandering, directionless, schmoopy exploration of Tony and Steve's journey from teammates to friends to lovers
Pairings/Characters: Tony/Steve
Word Count: 4249
A/N: After a decade-long hiatus from fanfiction-writing, I return to write this? This isn't even a story, it's a dual character-study with only the barest minimum of narrative needed to hold the thing together. It's unbeta'd and probably messy (the whole ten years without writing thing) and filled with my own colloquialisms because nailing down Tony's voice is hard. Ultimately, despite the fact that it's a messy, problematic work, I love it for what it is, a tribute to these two characters that I love so desperately. If you have any comments, critiques, anything, I'd love to hear it.

The first thing Tony notes about Steve (beyond hello gorgeous) is how honest the man is. Even when the truth is brutal (which it was), Steve seems incapable of telling a lie, like the stories of George Washington, except true. Tony, who has mistrust and suspicion hardwired into his brain by this point, doesn’t know how to deal with Steve’s painful, unerring honesty.

Even after the stunt with the engines and tossing a nuke through an interdimensional rift, (which Tony readily admits might have been to prove a point, and he would prefer not to confront the idea that he nearly died to prove that he could be a hero to a man he’d only known for a few days) and Steve seems to see Tony with a newfound respect, he still feels uncomfortable around the man.

At first it’s easy to write it off as the discomfort from a modern man meeting a backwards relic from the Dark Ages, but Bruce gets along well with Steve, giving him just the right amount of scientific explanation to keep conversation on an even keel without overwhelming him.

And maybe it’s that Tony’s moral compass is very different from a repressed war-era hero, except that Natasha and Clint, who have filthy minds and filthier mouths, get along famously with Steve. He blushes and stumbles and stutters and they tease him and by silent, mutual agreement he does not judge them for their brash sexuality and they don’t judge him for his reservation.

And maybe it’s that Tony is just too loud, too unpredictable, swayed by the emotions of a moment, except that Thor, loud, booming, wildly unpredictable Thor who will be trying to comprehend the internet one moment and declaring an Asgardian drinking match the next, instantly bonds with Steve. The two share tales of warrior heroics, Thor messes up Steve’s neat, orderly life and Steve knows to seek solitude when the demi-god gets to be too overwhelming.

And all of this forces Tony to confront the fact that maybe it’s not their differences. Maybe it is just Tony. Maybe he can’t handle someone so honest, honorable, who always keeps his word or does his solemn best to do so. Tony’s never met anyone like that outside of some religious clergy who he’s fairly sure he did his best to scandalize within an inch of their lives.

But he can’t scandalize Steve, can’t push him away with science or sex or moodiness. Steve, after the Loki-incident, hardly fights with anyone. The others banter about politics and video games and sports teams and religion, and Steve smiles and listens and gives every person a fair chance to be heard.

It’s enough to make Tony want to scream. He wants to shake Steve, wants that stupid mask of Captain America to come crashing down, wants Steve to show those flashing blue eyes and fiery temper. And maybe that’s why he can’t get along with Steve. He always suspects that Steve is putting on a face for the team, the charming, blushing, but forthrightly honest leader of their team who everyone loves and respects in equal measure.

It feels too much like the face Steve puts on for the cameras. He hardly goes a day or two without a press conference or an interview. It still irks Tony that Steve volunteered for the job, after Fury kept making snide comments about handling the press who were having a field day speculating about the seedy underbelly of the Avengers team.

But then Steve volunteered, and Tony resents the implication that a soldier from World War II who can’t understand a cell phone is better equipped to handle the modern day media than the rest of the team. But Steve handles them with flying colors. Overnight the Avengers goes from a probable hotbed of government conspiracy to saviors of Patriotism across the nation.

And Tony isn’t sure what to think anymore. His fondness for Steve’s affable nature is twisted up with his distrust of authority figures and distaste for the wearing of masks. Part of him wants to crack the façade and see how deep the red white and blue really goes and the other part of him wants to huddle curled up in the protective embrace of that honesty and forthrightness, whether it is true or false.

All this means that when Steve approaches him, his I’m just innocent, affable Steve Rogers smile playing on his lips, and asks if Tony would like to go to dinner, because they haven’t had a chance to bond and communication is vital to a team, Tony has a brief moment of pure panic.

He regains his composure quickly, because he’s not Tony Fucking Stark for nothing. “Sure, Cap, just give me the where and the when.”

Steve gives him the side-eye glance, which means he knows Tony’s putting on a face, (which is so not fair that Steve can call him out when he does it but Tony can’t do the same) but says “Tonight? You can pick the restaurant.”

Tony has enough sense to know that this is a calculated effort to put Tony at ease and help him open up more, and enough petulance to want to make Steve wildly uncomfortable, so he picks the fanciest five star restaurant he knows of, one with a chef who drinks the Stark Industries Kool-Aid and puts them at the best table in the joint.

He can tell Steve is uncomfortable but determined to hide it, embarrassment turning the back of his neck red as he sits at the table in his soft, weathered button down and khakis. He doesn’t say anything, though, just asks gentle questions about Tony’s research, what he thinks of his team members, if he has any suggestions about strategy.

Tony gives gentle, noncommittal answers back. He’s not confrontational but he’s not engaging in the conversation (something that got on Pepper’s last nerve).

Finally the awkward meal is drawing to a close and Steve asks, “Are you happy, Tony?”

Tony takes a sip of his wine and nods, all billionaire Tony Stark without a care in the world, “Oh yeah, Cap, I’m as happy as a clam.”

Steve grits his jaw and Tony receives a bit of thrill at winding up Captain America’s perfectly cultivated calm. “No, I mean honestly. It’s important to the well-being of the team that you be honest about your feelings.”

Tony narrows his eyes and leans forward. “Tell you what, Cap, I’ll be ‘honest about my feelings’ when you do the same.”

Steve’s brow furrows, all innocent confusion like a child in a grown-up conversation. “What? I’m completely honest with the team.”

“Oh, I’m sure. In fact, I know for a fact that you always fit the technical, dictionary definition of honest. That’s the kind of man you are. But don’t sit there and tell me you’re not hiding things, that there aren’t some things you are keeping buried. 70 years trapped in ice, all your friends and family long dead, and you haven’t had a psych visit since you woke up?” Steve opens his mouth to question the source of Tony’s information, but he realizes midway through who he’s talking to and shuts his mouth with a clack. “I, frankly, don’t care if you never talk about it, but at least give the rest of us the same courtesy.”

Tony stands up and walks out of the restaurant, waits in the car until Steve joins him for a very quiet, tense ride back to SHIELD Headquarters.

After that, the tension between Tony and Steve raises several notches. Tony needles Steve whenever he can, trying to get a rise out of the implacable Captain America.

There’s the incident with Tony “repurposing” all the appliances in SHIELD’s break room, which ends in a very disappointed Director Fury but nothing more than a disapproving look from Steve.

Then Tony makes it his personal mission to get the team very, very drunk whenever possible, a goal which no one except Bruce and Steve have a problem with, and Bruce just wants to be left alone in his lab. When he blacks out after a drinking contest with Thor, and Steve gives the whole team a stern talking to about responsibility and taking care of themselves, Tony decides to give up that notion.

And because Tony’s never been the King of Tact and because he’s never known when to stop, he reads Steve’s file again and begins dropping references about Steve’s past life in casual conversation, asking about Peggy and Bucky and musing about what they would think of the Avengers. Tony’s not dense, he can see that this method is starting to crack Captain America’s shell. He just doesn’t have the sense to apologize before things get out of control.

Really, he should have known such a bottled up personality like Steve would erupt violently.

After a crack Tony makes about wanting to see Peggy in the skintight modern SHIELD uniform, Steve snaps. One moment the two of them are sitting in the kitchen, Steve reading the paper and Tony working on schematics, and the next Tony is pressed against the wall, toes dangling a foot from the ground with the giant hand of a super soldier pressing against his windpipe.

“Stop it,” Steve hisses, blue eyes more furious than Tony can ever remember seeing them. “Just stop.” Tony tries to respond but doesn’t get out much more than “Hrrnglflm.” As if realizing that Tony, sans suit, can’t withstand Captain America’s righteous fury, he releases him, letting his body drop to the ground in a wheezing heap.

“Tony, I’m so-“

Tony coughs and slaps a hand on Steve’s knee. “No, no, my fault, Cap. Didn’t know you had it in you, though, nice work. I was starting to wonder if you were just a robot Fury created to instill Patriotism and Good Old Fashioned Values in society.”

Steve drops to the ground next to Tony, too dumbfounded to say anything as Tony catches his breath. He rubs at his throat, fairly certain he’ll have a giant bruise around his neck soon and that’ll be a bitch to explain.

Finally he sighs. “Look, Cap. I’m happy on the Avengers, really. I worry a lot about Stark Industries, but that’s not where I’m needed most anymore. And some days I really wish I could find a job that didn’t in someway involve me stepping into my father’s shoes, but such is life.

“My only issue is you. Captain America, leader of the Avengers, encouraging us all to share our feelings and become more like family than coworkers. Only, you use the same face with us that you use with the media. Maybe the others don’t see it, maybe they really believe you’re the sweet, innocent soldier who just wants to save the world, but I know putting on a charade when I see one.”

Steve is looking at him, hurt and confused. Tony raises his hands in a gesture of surrender.

“I went too far, but I think I made my point. You’ve got a whole other set of emotions you’re not sharing, Cap. And maybe sharing them with the team isn’t a good idea. Maybe you’re not ready. I get that. But I’m right here and I’m one person guaranteed to be more fucked up than you no matter what you say.”

He stands, still rubbing his throat, and pats Steve on the shoulder. “Think about it, big guy.” For the first time in a while, he goes to his bedroom and immediately falls to sleep, mind stubbornly avoiding his sheer terror in the face of Steve’s anger.

Tony and Steve avoid each other for a few days, saying nothing more than the usual required niceties. For a bit Tony even thinks that maybe Steve decided he couldn’t do it, and it wasn’t worth engaging Tony anymore, even for the good of the team.

Then they are watching some mindless television late at night, after the other heroes have gone to bed, and Steve begins to talk.

At first, it’s just stories, memories of Steve’s life before. Stories of his friends, his team members, his girl. He tells Tony of scrawny, stubborn Steve Rogers, never backed down from a fight, even though he could never win. He speaks with frustration about being a dancing monkey, and then with solemn pride about the lives he and his team saved, the difference they made in the war.

Soon, though, it’s clear that it’s more than just memories that are eating at Steve. The first flash of anger surprises Tony, it’s so sudden. He had been speaking about sinking the plane in the ocean when all of a sudden that big fist pumped and hit against the couch.

“I hate this! It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I should’ve been found sooner, should’ve been able to be there for Peggy. After everything, all I wanted was a quiet life. I thought about being an artist, settling down, having kids. It all seems so stupid now.”

And Tony doesn’t say anything, isn’t that stupid, just watches pain and frustration and sorrow flit across Steve’s face and listens.

It becomes a ritual for them. Sometimes its Steve talking while Tony tinkers in his workshop. Other times its Tony speaking in halting tones of his childhood or his time spent in a small, dark cave where he thought he was going to die while Steve beats the hell out of punching bags. Sometimes they sit quietly, Tony working on schematics, Steve drawing, each breaking the silence only occasionally to vent.

One thing Tony is surprised at is that there are very few things Steve isn’t angry at. The big Captain, who gave up his life for his country, is mad at God, at the modern world, at America. Most of all, though, he is angry at SHIELD.

“What- Right- Do- They- Have-?” Steve bites out, one night, hitting a punching bag in rapid succession. “I’ve already given them everything, how can they just demand they I keep fighting? At least in the war you knew it was going to end. This fighting, the constant barrage of battles, I can’t do this.”

It’s one of the view times Tony touches Steve, placing a hand on his shoulder in a lull in the punching. Steve’s big hand covers Tony’s, gratefully. “I hate fighting. Hate it more than…more than dealing with the paparazzi.” Tony laughs, weakly. “I do it because I need to, because it’s the right thing to do, but I hate it.”

Time passes, enemies come and go, and eventually Tony finds that he and Steve aren’t just untrained therapists to each other. The bitch sessions have tapered off, though both of them still need an occasional one now and again, but they’ve transitioned to movie nights, coffee dates, strategy brainstorming sessions, and post-battle wound mending.

They’re friends, and Tony finds that hard to get his head around, because making friends has always been a Herculean task for him, demanding of all his physical and mental resources. But it’s so easy with Steve. And Tony’s still the same. He’s still chronically late, pathologically afraid of responsibility, gets in moods where he hates everyone and then expects them to forgive him when he buys them expensive presents. And even though he talks to Steve constantly some things he has no idea how to put into words and he just expects Steve to understand, and gets mad when he doesn’t.

Everything that ever drove anyone away from him, all the reasons that have been listed out to him over the years, they’re still there. But Steve just takes them in stride.

Part of Tony wants to believe that it is due to the fellows-in-arms thing, knowing that they have each others’ lives in their hands. The other part of him knows its more likely that it’s just Steve, good, honest Steve who even though he is so angry at the world that the arc reactor aches in sympathy, is so full of love and compassion and forgiveness that he could never abandon his duty, not to be selfish.

That makes Tony feel horrendously guilty, an emotion he tries not to experience if he can avoid it, so he shoves the thought away and focuses on other things.

One day at SHIELD, Tony is hanging out in the break room, idly listening to the TV as he fiddles with plans for a team jet. The team is there, including Fury, because Steve is on a talk show. Even after dozens of these things, everyone still likes to watch Steve woo the American populace.

They’re discussing Steve’s adaptation to the modern era, the favorite topic of these interviews, and Tony is wishing that these people would come up with more novel material when the host asks the question.

“So how do you feel about gay marriage?”

The break room gets so quiet that Tony half-thinks some evil scientist has made him deaf. But no, they’re all just staring at the TV screen in shock. Clint looks at Fury inquisitively and Fury shakes his head minutely.

“He…was never briefed on that. We never discussed what he should say. I didn’t think it would come up.”

Tony almost scoffs at that (if it were him he’d make a list of the most controversial topics and make damn sure Steve was well briefed) but he’s too interested in Steve’s response to be adequately arrogant.

Steve is stunned, visibly unprepared. “Um…pardon?”

The host is all charming smiles. “Oh, sorry, maybe you’re not aware. It’s a hot debate whether homosexual couples should be allowed to marry. How do you feel about that, being from a different time and all?”

“I…well…” Steve smiles hesitantly, his public smile a little weaker than usual, “I believe that all people…have the right to pursue what they like…in privacy.”

Fury breathes a sigh of relief. It’s not a perfect answer but it’ll avoid arousing too much anger from either side. Tony thinks (somewhat pettily) that perhaps Steve was well-trained after all.

Then, just as the host is about to move on to the next question, Steve says, “Wait, strike that.” The host is staring at him like he’s grown a second head, the audience is dead quiet and Natasha is holding her coffee mug so tightly her knuckles are turning blue.

“I…was raised in an era where we didn’t ask to many questions. People’s personal business…was their own business, and it’s hard for me to break out of that mind set. But someone recently taught be the value of honesty, brutal honesty, so here it is. I think it’s frankly un-American to try and restrict other people’s happiness.”

A cheer goes up from the audience, Fury sinks his head into his hand, and Clint lets out a whoop of pleasure.

Tony is grinning fit to burst when Fury catches sight of him.

“What’re you grinning about?”

“Oh, just all the work that’s going to cause you.”

The team goes out in celebration when Steve gets back, all of them excited except Thor, who does not realize what the issue is.

“What does it matter who people make love to? Sexual gratification and love are the same across genders, are they not?” His big, bearded face is so confused that Tony can’t help but smile.

“Yup, but some of us mere mortals have difficulty with that concept.” Thor is still perplexed, but he accepts this answer.

“What I don’t understand is why you all are so excited,” Steve confides. “I mean…are you…” he blushes, realizing what he was about to ask stopping mid-sentence.

Clint shrugs. “I’m straight as an arrow, but I’ve got friends who aren’t.”

“Straight,” Bruce says, “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want people to get a fair shake at happiness.”

Natasha chuckles. “I’m a lesbian,” she says, and smirks when Steve gapes at her.

At last Steve turns to Tony. He winks. “I’m with the big blonde oaf. Pretty flesh is pretty flesh, and fucking is just as fun no matter the gender.”

Steve is flushing, but he isn’t panicking at the idea of their mixed-bag of sexualities. Tony takes that as a good sign and claps him on the shoulder.

“Welcome to the twenty-first century, Steve, where all your misconceptions can be proven wrong.” And Steve grins at him, the same as its ever been, and Tony lets out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding in, the fear that this would change their friendship.

Suddenly Steve is a hot commodity again, just as his novelty had been wearing off. Everyone wants to get an interview with the Star-Spangled Man and ask him about his opinions on racism, feminism, and other social issues. Steve, for his part, is startlingly insightful and brutally naïve in a way that is totally him. It makes Tony laugh to think of all of SHIELD’s wasted hours coaching him, just to have him go out and speak his mind.

One bible-thumper has the gall to suggest that Steve isn’t a real Christian. Tony, who was raised atheist and who never gave a thought to religion beyond how patently ridiculous it was, is outraged on Steve’s behalf.

Steve, though, just responds, as if innocent of the insult, “I believe God blessed me with a conscience so that I might use it to interpret His word with compassion. If I have made an error in judgment, it is between me and Him, but it does not change the strength of my faith.”

When he comes home, though, he goes several rounds with the punching bag and doesn’t stop until Tony calls him away from a movie marathon.

And of course, because something is broken inside Tony and can’t let a situation be perfect (or as nearly perfect as is possible for him, anyway), his libido sees fit to remind him that Steve is the living impersonation of Adonis, and his reaction to Tony’s bisexuality wasn’t negative in any way.

Of course, Tony can deal with sexual desire, but it’s the other feelings that eat at him. The way their hands brush when they’re watching a movie, the way Steve smiles fondly at him when he loses track of what he was saying because he had a thought about a project, the way Steve always has his back in a fight, always. He’s slowly, surely, falling for Captain America.

And of course, in true Tony Stark fashion, he can’t handle that revelation and so he pulls back, is late or missing entirely when they’d planned to hang out, is distant and argumentative when he is around, asks cryptic questions expecting a perfect right answer and then withdraws, disappointed when he doesn’t get what he wants.

Of course, none of this is new behavior, but it intensifies as Tony tries to avoid the emotions Steve is forcing him to confront.

Strangely, Steve doesn’t react. He keeps showing up to hang out, keeps sharing his feelings with Tony, doesn’t push too hard when Tony withdraws. One night they are sitting on the couch, Tony petulantly avoiding conversation by reading a book (an actual book!) that Bruce had let on the table. Steve is talking, discussing his frustration with the media and the modern American political atmosphere. Tony is trying to tune him out but feeling immensely guilty about it.

“Oh, and on top of everything else, I think I’m in love with you,” Steve says, eyes fixed on Tony.

Tony’s head jerks up. “What?”

Steve looks at him and smiles. “I’m in love with you.”

“No, you can’t be,” Tony protests, because he’s spent his whole life looking in gift-horse mouths and he’s not going to stop now, dammit. “Steve, You’re straight.”

“You’re the one who introduced me to the idea of bisexuality, Tony, you should accept what you have created. Though I’m afraid it gives an interesting new dynamic to my friendship with Bucky.”

Tony swallows, trying not to panic. “No, but, you could do so much better. Someone nice, and calm. Someone who is a good person, like you.”

Steve’s eyes soften and unlike the expression on any other person, Tony doesn’t feel pitied. He feels understood, as Steve knows what it’s like to feel as if he’ll never be good enough for the person he loves.

“Tony, you are a good person. The best kind of person. And I love you, no matter what your flaws.”

Tony backs up, away from those kind understanding eyes. “You don’t know that, Steve. I’m mean, and forgetful. I’m horrible at buying presents and worse at romance. I’m moody and mercurial and eccentric. I get frustrated with people who can’t keep up with me intellectually. I’m a drunk-“ Steve cuts him off with a finger on his lips.

Then Steve is leaning in, and pressing soft, warm lips and Tony is poleaxed, but he still feels that tremor running down his spine. “Tony, what do you think I’ve been dealing with all these months? I love you, in spite of, or perhaps because of, your flaws.”

Tony panics, bubbling over with words. “That’s it, it’s official, too much time spent with me really can drive a person crazy. You’re insane, Steve, we need to get you help. Sit there, I’ll call the nice men with the stretchers.”

Steve just chuckles, and kisses him again. And again. And again, until Tony forgets that he had a complaint in the first place.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Wonderfully done after your ten-year hiatus! :)

I liked the progression of Steve and Tony's relationship and am not surprised at all the anger Cap is carrying. I love his honesty about gay rights and other subjects and how he lets himself fall in love with Tony and how Tony tries to mess it up but Steve won't let him. :)

I hope you'll write more in this fandom and about Steve/Tony in particular! :)

Thank you so much! It was fun exercising the old writing muscles.

Yeah, one of the things I've noticed about Cap is that he is often written as too calm and accepting, at least to my taste. If he expresses any emotion, it's sadness, which is just not realistic to me. He's been dealt a very shitty hand by fate, it's perfectly reasonable to get angry about that.

I do hope to write more of them, they are so sweet! Many slash ships have come and gone over the years, but they are the first to really inspire me to write in a long time, so I hope to continue that.

Love! ^_^

this is really great!! lovely!

Thanks, darling!

This is great! (Not that you're back in the game, we can always use more Steve/Tony in the world.)

Thank you! And I'll try to get to work on that! ^_~

Well that is a pretty amazing story no matter how long you have been out of the game!
Well done! The characterizations where bang on, loved the pacing and the slow build. I look forward to reading more from you :D

Thank you so much! Characterization is one of the most important things to me. In my opinion plot, romance, sex, dialogue, whatever else fall into place when you nail the characterization, so I really appreciate your comment.

I understand that completely! I prefer character driven fiction over plot driven any day. I want to gfeel am emotional connection to a character and this is how it happens for me, by knowing the character.

As a practising christain, love Steve's comments to teh bible thumpher as it sums up my own faith. Thank you.

+1 ♥

Thank you! I am not a practicing Christian, but I wanted to do justice to Steve's faith. I'm glad I didn't butcher anything in the process, haha.

Well done, and welcome back to writing! I hope we'll see more from you! :D

Thank you! I hope to write more, as well. Seeing how I can't get these two out of my head, I doubt that'll be hard.

They are rather addicting. ;)

This is GORGEOUS. And your Tony sounds pretty good to me, especially towards the end where he's lifting off the reasons Steve can't love him.

Thank you! I'm glad Tony's voice worked for you, because movie!Tony just has such a distinct voice, it seems impossible to capture that in mere words.

Oh I love this! It's a beautiful progression of their relationship, and so naturally done. You really nailed Tony's inner voice. I very much hope to see more from you.

Thank you so much! I'm glad the progression seemed natural to you, that was very much what I was going for. And I guess the trick to nailing Tony's voice is just to write without an internal censor saying, "no, that's stupid, don't write that," lol.

*flails* This was a wonderful read, and I really enjoyed it! Welcome back to writing! ^^

Thank you so much! I'm glad to be back and I hope to stay! ^_^

This was wonderful. Ten years, eh?

Well worth the wait.

Yup, ten years. Last time I wrote fanfiction I was in the Yuugiou fandom. (Oh, why can't I just forget those days?)

Thanks!!

I love your vision of them and I think you really captured Steve and Tony well. welcome back to the wonderful world of Fanfic! =D

Thank you so much! I appreciate that.

Loved it! Loved Tony needling Steve in the beginning, and how that led to a growing friendship and more. :-)

Yup, the relationship has to start off fiery with those two. Thanks!

Basically this is one of the best Tony/Steve fics I've read! Hope you continue to write you're very talented ^_^

Oh my gosh, you are too sweet! I can't believe you think it's one of the best you've read! I will definitely try to write more!

All of the hearts for this! All of them!!!

Why thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Not Cut Out for Love

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