Alphabet Challenge: Enlightenment

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

TITLE: Enlightenment
AUTHOR: Nix (keparker AT shaw DOT ca)
FANDOM/COMIC TITLE: Avengers
CHARACTERS/PAIRING: Steve Rogers/Tony Stark (Captain America/Iron Man)
CATEGORY: Pre-Slash
RATING: G
WORD COUNT: 1,004
WARNINGS: None
SUMMARY: Post-"Red Zone" ficlet. While Tony lies unconscious in the hospital, Steve contemplates his sacrifice, and Jan clobbers Steve with a clue.
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Not making money.
ARCHIVE Y/N: Yes, of course, to anyone who wants it. (Although I'd appreciate it if non-"Tales Of Suspense" folks drop me a quick note to tell me where the story is going.)

Steve shifted uncomfortably in the small, hard chair provided by the hospital, but didn't stand. Instead he leaned forward, elbows braced on his knees, and watched Tony breathe. In. Out. In. Out. The steady rise and fall of his chest was soothing, even if Steve wished he would open his eyes already.

He lifted his head at the sharp click of heels on hospital linoleum in time to see Jan step into the private room that had been given to Tony. "I heard what happened," Jan said, face lined with concern. "Well, I guess everyone heard. It's been all over the news." She walked over to stand next to Steve and looked down at Tony. "How is he?"

"He's going to be fine," Steve said, turning his eyes back to Tony. He was pale and he looked far too still in the hospital bed, but he was breathing. "The counter-agent that we got from the Skull is working. But...it was really close, Jan. We almost lost him." While Steve's super-soldier enhanced body had held off the disease, and then defeated it shortly after he'd been brought into clear air, Tony hadn't had any such protection, and it had taken time for the counter-agent to be synthesized. Nearly too much time.

Jan put a hand on Steve's shoulder and squeezed gently. "But we didn't lose him," she said gently. "He'll be back on his feet before you know it." She smiled wryly. "Probably before he should be."

"I know." Steve reached out and gripped one of the railings that ran along the side of the hospital bed. "Damn it, Jan, why does he keep doing this?" he demanded suddenly, his voice breaking. Steve looked up at Jan. Her eyes had widened at his outburst.

After a second Jan's expression softened from surprise into sympathy. "We all knew what the risks were when we put on our costumes the first time. Or at least, we figured it out pretty fast. This could have been any one of us."

Steve shook his head and looked back at Tony. "This wasn't like that. This wasn't Tony putting himself at risk to save the people we all swore to protect. He was safe inside his armor, but he exposed himself to save me." Steve scooted closer to the bed and leaned on the railing, reaching out after a moment to brush the hair off Tony's forehead. "He decided that the chance that I might live if he helped me was worth more than the certainty that he would live if he didn't. And it's not the first time he's done something like that." Steve turned a pained expression on Jan. "Why does he do that?"

Jan studied him with a strangely intent expression for a long moment. "You really don't know, do you?"

Steve blinked. "Know what?"

She sighed and took a moment to pull a second chair up beside Steve and sit down. "Steve, Tony's in love with you."

In love with him? Tony? Steve looked away from Jan and at Tony for a long moment, then turned back to Jan. "Jan--"

She put her hand over his on the bed's railing. "He is," she said firmly. "He has been for years. I always thought you knew, that you never said or did anything because you didn't want to hurt him."

Steve could only stare at her as the words sank in. Slowly he dragged his eyes back to Tony's unconscious form. Tony loved him...more than he loved life. Steve's heart clenched. "I didn't know," he murmured, distressed.

"Steve, are you all right?" Jan asked.

"I..." he paused and swallowed, never taking his eyes off of Tony. "I think I need a bit of time to get used to this."

"Okay," Jan said, but her tone was uncertain. "You call me if you need anything, okay?"

Steve forced himself to meet her eyes again and managed a shadow of a smile. "I will, I promise."

After a moment her expression relaxed a little and she patted Steve on the hand before standing. She took a long look at Tony before turning and leaving the hospital room.

Alone, Steve turned back to Tony, examining him as if, even unconscious, he might show some evidence of his feelings for Steve. As if the fact that he was unconscious in a hospital bed in the first place wasn't evidence enough.

Steve had known that Tony was as much attracted to men as to women, but it had never occurred to him as even the remotest possibility that Tony might be attracted to him. They were friends and partners and nothing had ever made Steve question that. Now he couldn't take his eyes off Tony as nearly every moment they'd spent together rearranged themselves in his mind.

If Steve hadn't known this, could he really claim to know Tony at all, never mind as well as he thought he'd known him? "No," Steve denied aloud. His gaze came to rest on Tony's face and his voice softened. "I know you." He'd always known he was important to Tony, if not quite how much. He almost wished he wasn't that important to Tony.

Almost.

Was his own life so important to him that Steve could want Tony to sacrifice his life? Was he so egotistical that the idea that a courageous, wealthy, attractive, and intelligent man wanted him was more important than a friend's life? Steve hadn't thought so, but he couldn't deny that a part of him--a large part of him--was warmed by the thought that Tony loved him. Was in love with him.

Unsettled, Steve leaned on the railing, eyes tracing the planes of Tony's face. After a moment he had to laugh. "You're always forcing me to question my assumptions." He reached out to brush at the unruly lock of hair that had once against fallen down across Tony's forehead and paused, fingers all but tangled in the soft, dark hair, and stared at his own hand. After a moment he completed the motion and drew his hand back, rubbing his fingers together unconsciously.

All sorts of assumptions.

--End--

Comments

[axolotl-lan.livejournal.com]

Awww. This is excellent short and sweet!
I love the setup of this it is just such a casual mention of Tony being in love with Tony and that Steve -should- know that sets the fic. Somehow even with the situation it isn't sad so much as the idea that it could've been and possibly will be better knowing this. Great work!

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

The number of times that Tony has been hospitalized for Steve, Steve really should know how Tony feels about him. *g* And even though Tony is hospitalized here, I didn't really think of the situation as sad at all, since we know he's going to be okay, and Jan's carefully applied clue bat gives hope that there's happiness just around the corner. *g*

Thanks for commenting!

[mardahin.livejournal.com]

Spectacular, as always. I love how Tony pushes Steve to examine his assumptions, and how Steve realizes that he's questioning more than he thought he was. A great coda for that lovely, if vaguely harlequin, piece of canon.

Also, props to Jan for wielding that metaphorical sledgehammer so delicately. It must be due to her alter-ego ^_^

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Sometimes the vaguely harlequin pieces of canon are the most fun. *grins* This one is definitely a favorite.

I love how Tony pushes Steve to examine his assumptions, and how Steve realizes that he's questioning more than he thought he was.

I was trying to hint that one of Steve's assumptions was that he (Steve) was totally straight and that there was nothing unusual about the intensity and/or quality of his feelings for Tony, and that the revelations in the fic made him think twice about that, too. I'm not sure how much of that comes through, but I think the story works without it, too.

Also, props to Jan for wielding that metaphorical sledgehammer so delicately.

Jan is the perfect wielder of the clue bat. *g* She does it a lot in fic, I've noticed. But really, who else would do it? Hank is even more clueless than Steve and Tony. Wanda has too much of a crush on Steve sometimes, I think. The Vision goes back and forth between admitting to and denying human emotions. Maybe Thor could, though. *g*

Thankee for the comments!

[cruelest-month.livejournal.com]

Aw, that was beautiful. I can't think of anything else to say.

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I felt a bit like some of the writing craft was uneven, so it's good to hear this. :-)

[leaper182.livejournal.com]

Awwww!

I'm a sucker for the kinds of stories/series where they're realizing, "Oh, shit! He's in love with me!"

Is there going to be anymore?

*big brown eyes*

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Your icon is made of win. *grinning*

I'm a sucker for the kinds of stories/series where they're realizing, "Oh, shit! He's in love with me!"

I love these moments, too. *g*

No plans for any sequels to this, alas. I have two long stories in the works, so I'm trying desperately to focus on them. With less success than I might prefer. *wry*

Thankee for the feedback!

[ailette.livejournal.com]

Awww, this is great. I always missed something after Red Zone, Civil War came too soon! This is a wonderful scene.

And you should know that I blame you for my cereal getting all soaky and inedible, because I forgot to eat while I was reading this. ;)

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Awww, this is great. I always missed something after Red Zone, Civil War came too soon! This is a wonderful scene.

I didn't realize until I caught up on all the Avengers back canon just how little canon there was between Red Zone and Avengers Disassembled. :-(

And you should know that I blame you for my cereal getting all soaky and inedible, because I forgot to eat while I was reading this. ;)

Oh no! Not mushy cereal. Sorry about that. *grins* But I can't regret that you got absorbed. :-)

Thank you for the feedback!

[velithya]

Awww, poor Steve.

If Steve hadn't known this, could he really claim to know Tony at all
I like this! And I like how he immediately turns it around. No, Steve, there's nothing wrong with you, Tony's just broken that way.

I liked it! :)

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Awww, poor Steve.

I'm sure it'll be worth it, eventually. *g*

I like this! And I like how he immediately turns it around. No, Steve, there's nothing wrong with you, Tony's just broken that way.

So true. I was trying to use Steve's little moment of panic at the idea that maybe he doesn't know Tony as well as he thought to hint at Steve's own not-entirely-realized feelings. :-)

I liked it! :)

Thank you!

[johanirae.livejournal.com]

Aw, too sweet for words :D The moment where Cap actually gets pissed at Tony's self sacrifice was beautiful :D

... Any chance we can hear what Tony has to say when he wakes up?

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

The moment where Cap actually gets pissed at Tony's self sacrifice was beautiful :D

I don't think Steve really realizes just how little value Tony places on his own life when other lives are at stake, especially when it's Steve's life that's at stake. So it always surprises and upsets him when Tony is careless with his own. *pets Steve*

... Any chance we can hear what Tony has to say when he wakes up?

Alas, probably not. I'm trying (with limited success) to focus on two longer stories I have in progress.

Thank you for the feedback!

[freakydarling.livejournal.com]

this is amazing. It was horrible how they barely acknowledged how huge it was for Tony to sacrifice himself like that (as seems to always be the case when tony does that sort of thing) and I love getting to see it actually addressed! I hope this isn't a one shot. It definitely stands on its own but we need more!

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

It was horrible how they barely acknowledged how huge it was for Tony to sacrifice himself like that (as seems to always be the case when tony does that sort of thing)

As you say, they almost never follow up on these things. For any character, really. I'm resigned to it. And hey, it provides great opportunities for missing scene fic. *g*

I hope this isn't a one shot.

Alas, it probably is. I'm trying (with less success than I'd like, but trying) to stay focused on a couple of longer stories I have in the works.

Thank you for the feedback!

[runenklinge.livejournal.com]

finally someone told him! Steve would have never figured it out otherwise
just why has Tony suffer first? poor Tony...
I think I´ve never read repercussions on this comic arc before..great

His gaze came to rest on Tony's face and his voice softened. "I know you."

awwwwwwww
...awwwwwww

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

finally someone told him! Steve would have never figured it out otherwise

Steve is pretty oblivious to these things, alas. It's a good thing he's cute about it. *g*

I think I´ve never read repercussions on this comic arc before..great

I don't think I've seen any around, either. I got here first! *grins* Not that surprising in a small fandom, I guess.

awwwwwwww
...awwwwwww

hee! Glad you liked. :-) :-)

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

Oh, wonderful fic. Loved it, thanks.

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the feedback! :-)

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

*loves* This is just so sweet and happy (if that can be said of a fic where Tony's unconscious in a hospital bed). I love Steve's frustration over Tony sacrificing himself for him ("Why does he do that?") and then his worry that he's being selfish when Jan's revelation makes him feel all glowy inside.

Oh Tony, you're not subtle at all, are you?

*uses appropriate Red Zone icon*

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

*loves* This is just so sweet and happy (if that can be said of a fic where Tony's unconscious in a hospital bed).

*grins* We know he's going to be okay, so I figured it wouldn't come across angsty. :-)

I love Steve's frustration over Tony sacrificing himself for him ("Why does he do that?") and then his worry that he's being selfish when Jan's revelation makes him feel all glowy inside.

Steve even manages to be oblivious to his own feelings, sometimes! *pets Steve* Sometimes he's almost too good of a guy.

Oh Tony, you're not subtle at all, are you?

This suddenly made me wonder just what the Black Panther thought of the whole CPR and Cap cradling Tony in his lap scene. Because neither of them were particularly subtle there. *grins*

*uses appropriate Red Zone icon*

I still love that icon. :-D

Thankee for the feedback!

[seanchai.livejournal.com]

I really, really thought I'd commented on this. Clearly, I fail.

The bedside vigil is one of my old school sekrit kinks, and you've made beautiful use of it. And also of Jan; I love when she gets to be the smart, collected one on the team.

And Steve is as always, adorably woobie.

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

I really, really thought I'd commented on this. Clearly, I fail.

I can't criticize. Sometimes I'm weeks late with my comments! Plus, you already gave me a little feedback when you sent the beta back. :-)

The bedside vigil is one of my old school sekrit kinks, and you've made beautiful use of it.

I'm terribly fond of it as well. My brain also likes it when it's too late and the person never wakes up...but I can't stand the angst so then my brain brings them back a day or two later. *g*

And also of Jan; I love when she gets to be the smart, collected one on the team.

Thinking about the team, she's really the only one aside from Steve that you could believably apply the term "collected" to. *g* And she's much, much more aware of emotions and such than Steve!

And Steve is as always, adorably woobie.

We mostly see Steve do the comforting in fic. Somehow, it makes his woobie moments even more adorable, I think!

Thankee for the comments! :-) :-)

[fire-tears.livejournal.com]

This is just absolutely adorable, and sad at the same time.

"He is," she said firmly. "He has been for years. I always thought you knew, that you never said or did anything because you didn't want to hurt him."

That, I think, is the part that strikes me as really sad -- probably because everyone who knows that Tony's in love with Steve (read: everyone except Steve) is probably of the same opinion as Jan. Because really, Tony's not exactly subtle. I doubt they expected Steve to miss the glaringly obvious signs. It's just... the idea of so many people being aware that Tony's hopelessly in love with someone who (apparently) will never return those feelings is sad. *cuddles Tony* Especially since Tony's also convinced it will never happen.

One thing I need to comment on before I forget is that I loved Steve's reaction. It wasn't, "OMG SUDDEN SELF REALIZATION: I LOVE HIM TOO!" It was, "I think I need a bit of time to get used to this." Which was so very realistic. (I don't think he'll need much time, though.)

But... *whaps Steve* It's perfectly normal to be happy that Tony loves you so much that he'd be willing to breathe in poisonous gas for you. The only way it'd be worrisome is if you were happy that he did breathe in poisonous gas for you because he loves you so much. It's all in the wording, honey. I mean, hey, I'd be a little upset if my family wouldn't be willing to risk their lives for mine. I would never, ever want them to, but as the saying goes: it's the thought that counts.

the idea that a courageous, wealthy, attractive, and intelligent man wanted him

That is perfectly okay to be happy about. No, seriously. You are definitely allowed to be happy about that. Warm fuzzies and all. Now tackle him to the nearest bed as soon as he's feeling better and have your wicked way with him.


I loved this. ♥ I really enjoyed the tone of it, overall.

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

It's just... the idea of so many people being aware that Tony's hopelessly in love with someone who (apparently) will never return those feelings is sad. *cuddles Tony*

I hadn't really thought about this before, but you're absolutely right. There's something a little bit tragic about Tony's feelings up to this point. I'm not sure why people being aware of his (apparently) unrequited feelings makes it more poignant, but it does. Maybe because of my, admittedly optimistic, conviction that letting people know what your dreams are almost always puts you on the path to acheiving them. And all these people know what Tony wants, and it doesn't seem to do any good.

One thing I need to comment on before I forget is that I loved Steve's reaction. It wasn't, "OMG SUDDEN SELF REALIZATION: I LOVE HIM TOO!" It was, "I think I need a bit of time to get used to this." Which was so very realistic. (I don't think he'll need much time, though.)

:-) :-) I'm glad you liked! I wasn't sure if people would be disappointed in the lack of an immediate resolution to the emotional bits, but given Steve's background, chances are he really would need some time to work through things in his head before starting something with Tony. It's just that I usually assume that he did that before the story started. *g*

It's all in the wording, honey. I mean, hey, I'd be a little upset if my family wouldn't be willing to risk their lives for mine. I would never, ever want them to, but as the saying goes: it's the thought that counts.

*grins* It's hard to be rational with the protective instincts! *pets Steve*

You are definitely allowed to be happy about that. Warm fuzzies and all. Now tackle him to the nearest bed as soon as he's feeling better and have your wicked way with him.

Hee! This might actually happen. *g* (Though it might not technically be a sequel.) I realized today that I've written only one NC-17 rated fic between May 6th and now. And it was the not entirely graphic 69 one. Clearly, the world is about to end. I must fix this. *g*

I loved this. ♥ I really enjoyed the tone of it, overall.

*beams* Thank you!

[jij.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love that last line! Lovely and subtle.

Alone, Steve turned back to Tony, examining him as if, even unconscious, he might show some evidence of his feelings for Steve. As if the fact that he was unconscious in a hospital bed in the first place wasn't evidence enough.

That line really arrested me as well. It's such a natural moment, staring at his face for some sign of affection, then abruptly realizing that everything about his life is a sign of affection. It's a gorgeous little realization, delivered without flourish, clear and bright.

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love that last line! Lovely and subtle.

:-) :-) :-) I wondered if people would realize that there was more than one assumption being questioned and what the others were, but it still works if you don't pick up on it, so I didn't worry. But I'm still glad at least one person noticed!

That line really arrested me as well. It's such a natural moment, staring at his face for some sign of affection, then abruptly realizing that everything about his life is a sign of affection. It's a gorgeous little realization, delivered without flourish, clear and bright.

*blushes* Thank you so much! I love it when things like this actually work out the way I hope they will. :-)

[hockeyiris.livejournal.com]

Ok, Now I need Avengers books.
Dammit.

This was sweet. And I have no idea who Jan is, but good for her slapping Cap with a clue.

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Ok, Now I need Avengers books.
Dammit.

*laughs* I can't regret this. *g* I can totally recommend New Avengers volumes 1 to 4. (The Civil War starts in #5, so steer clear of that.) If you want the older stuff (which is where Hank and Jan and Thor and Clint and so on appear; this story is a post-script for Red Zone, which is a storyline from a few years ago), Marvel sells a DVD of all of the back canon for something like $50. *g*

Or I could stop pimping and just let you enjoy the fic! :-)

This was sweet. And I have no idea who Jan is, but good for her slapping Cap with a clue.

Jan (also known as the Wasp) is just about the only Avenger with anything resembling a clue. *grins*

[triedunture.livejournal.com]

It's great stuff like this that is making it so gosh-darn easy to fall in love with this pairing.

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it! These two are just so much fun to have pine over each other. It's pretty much canon, after all. *g*

[tresa-cho.livejournal.com]

Egwaaah. Bah. *melted fangirlish!incoherency*

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Yay! I do love writing that moment of realization. Thanks for commenting!

[seshat-maat.livejournal.com]

This is so very sweet. I think the saddest thing about it, though, is that Jan just inadvertently admitted that all of the Avengers basically thought that Tony wasn't good enough for Steve. And they wonder why he has self-worth issues. But it's okay, because Steve! Realizing!

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

I think the saddest thing about it, though, is that Jan just inadvertently admitted that all of the Avengers basically thought that Tony wasn't good enough for Steve.

*blinks* I totally didn't intend for it to read that way at all. None of the Avengers said anything to Steve about Tony because they thought that he was straight and not remotely interested and was ignoring it because he didn't want to hurt Tony.

It's always interesting to see how different readers interpret the same stories, though! Writing is really a collaboration between author and reader. :-)

Thanks for the feedback!

I'm pretty sure this is my last comment.

[theillusionist.livejournal.com]

I know there are a lot of stories of yours I didn't comment on, mostly because I haven't read them (yet) or they were PWP (or I just missed them when scrolling through the tags), but I felt a little silly going to all the PWPs and saying, "THIS IS SO HOT!" over and over again. But I did read them. I especially loved "Context is Everything," "On Camera," "Full Body Workout," "Vacation Benefits"... OK, I'm done. *g*

Anyway, this was one of the first stories I read of yours, because it was on a rec list, and I still love this story. I love Jan. :D

"Steve hadn't thought so, but he couldn't deny that a part of him--a large part of him--was warmed by the thought that Tony loved him. Was in love with him. "

Aww. :D

I know you're into a completely different fandom right now, but thank you for the wild ride nonetheless. *g*

Re: I'm pretty sure this is my last comment.

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

I know there are a lot of stories of yours I didn't comment on, mostly because I haven't read them (yet) or they were PWP (or I just missed them when scrolling through the tags), but I felt a little silly going to all the PWPs and saying, "THIS IS SO HOT!" over and over again.

*laughing* You sent so much awesome feedback, don't worry about this. *grins* I'm so happy to know you enjoyed them as well, though! You totally named some of my personal favorites, too. :-)

Anyway, this was one of the first stories I read of yours, because it was on a rec list, and I still love this story. I love Jan. :D

Jan is totally the most stable and sane Avenger. Every now and then she just has to metaphorically smack some sense into her teammates. :-D

I know you're into a completely different fandom right now, but thank you for the wild ride nonetheless. *g*

You're welcome! And thank you so much for taking all that time to write feedback. <3 <3 <3