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cap_ironman2008-07-13 06:29 pm
velithya) wrote in cap_ironman2008-07-13 06:29 pm
Entry tags:
Fic: Momentary Paws (or, DO NOT WANT) 4/5
Still have the plague, but I think I'm winning. I hope. <.<
Title: Momentary Paws (or, DO NOT WANT) 4/5
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
velithya
Rating: R
Pairing: Steve/Tony (preslash)
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Marvel. I'm just playing in their sandbox.
Summary: WTF KITTEN
Word Count: 16,831 total, 5089 this section
Previously: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Momentary Paws (or, DO NOT WANT)
Part 4
Tony wakes before Steve again the next morning, but sure in the knowledge that Steve doesn't mind him there - invited him, even - Tony doesn't bother moving, Steve warm and solid beneath him. He tunes into the morning news channel (dark clouds to the east herald a storm, Spears in rehab again, Captain America's cat still a mystery) and opens his email (16 spam mail, obviously he'll need to tighten the code in his spam filter again, and 27 new messages). He smirks inwardly as he forwards twenty of them to Pepper - she can have fun dealing with those, subject lines about invitations and conferences - and opens the latest specs forwarded from the R&D department.
He's running equations to check their math (he thinks they've missed a variable, and he's looking forward to sending it back to them with the errors circled in red) when Steve's breathing changes, ever so slight hitch as he comes to consciousness. It's very smooth, really, and Tony probably wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't been curled up on Steve's chest.
Steve yawns, shifting slightly under Tony, not really enough to disturb him, and then a gentle hand comes down on his back, fingers soothing through his fur from neck to tail. Tony registers that he's purring a few seconds after he actually starts doing it, and stops abruptly.
"Morning," Steve says, voice still husky from sleep. "S'okay."
"Morning," Tony says, because a meow right now will probably not sound quite so embarrassed.
"What time is it?" Steve asks, yawning again. His fingers are still working their way along Tony's back in gentle strokes, and Tony lets himself relax into it, purring very, very quietly.
*Seven oh three,* Tony says as the equations finish. The R&D guys have missed a variable, and Tony attaches his copy of the math to the email with a slightly bitchy note about avoiding killing lots of people and fires it back at them.
"Time for the gym," Steve says, stretching out his other hand. Tony can feel the muscles in his chest flex under him.
*Time for coffee,* Tony says.
"Coffee is bad for kittens," Steve says.
"Steeeeeeeve," Tony whines, opening his eyes and doing his best to look pitiful.
Steve freezes for a second, then shakes his head. "I've told you before," he says, "your kitten eyes won't work on me."
Tony sighs and uncurls from his ball, starting to stretch and then stopping at the last second when he realises that he's still standing on Steve and Steve probably won't appreciate claws in his skin. He pads off Steve and jumps onto his chair, stretching there instead.
Steve sits up, swinging his legs over the edge and standing up. He stretches with both arms, up above his head, shirt riding up above the waistband of his shorts, and then rolls down, touching his toes. Something cracks, and Steve hums out a breath.
"That's disturbing," Tony mutters, and Steve straightens.
"You want some food before I head down?" he asks, going into the bathroom and closing the door.
*Yeah,* Tony says. *I'm kind of hungry a lot.*
"I'm not going to complain," Steve says. He comes out a minute later in workout gear, tossing his sleeping clothes onto the bed. "Okay, to the kitchen."
Tony's going to jump down and get there himself, but Steve scoops him up before he can take more than a step, settling him on his shoulder as he starts walking. Tony shrugs mentally and makes himself comfortable.
Once Steve's set Tony up with his breakfast he grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and wanders down the hall to the elevator. Tony hears him go with half an ear, attention on his food. It's kind of weird how he's eating the same thing for what, three days now, and it's still just as tasty as when he first ate it. It must be some sort of strange kitten thing.
Bowl licked clean, Tony jumps down off the table and pads out into the living room. The morning sun through the windows is casting a large patch of light across the couches, and Tony hops up onto an armrest and curls up in the warmth, accessing his email again. There had been another set of specs for a different project further down, whose math he'd pulled to pieces three days ago. Hopefully they'd come up with something better by now.
He hears MJ and Peter come down the hall and into the kitchen some time later, clatter of bowls and spoons. The math is far more complicated on this project, Tony running four intertwining calculations and two graphs simultaneously. So far, the numbers check out, but Tony's reserving judgment until the end.
More clattering signals an end to breakfast, and footsteps wander past twice before Peter notices him.
"Oh, Tony," he says, "hi."
Tony looks up, notes that Peter is not wearing his communicator, and settles his head back on his paws. "Morning."
Peter glances around, then wanders out of Tony's field of vision for a second. "Hey, can you hold this?" Something Peter-smelling drapes gently over the back of his head. "That's great, just like that-"
A rush of air means Peter has done some sort of flip, and a camera flash goes off. Peter lands in front of Tony, smiling and also looking kind of nervous, like maybe he's worried Tony will claw him in the face, and stands up, snatching up whatever he'd put down. "Okay, well, off to work! See you later-"
"Peter-" Tony calls, but Peter can move really quite fast when he wants to, and he's already at the elevator, doors closing between them.
Tony glowers at the floor for a good minute or so, and then the math behind his eyes completes without a hitch, numbers spooling out perfectly. Tony cross checks them just to be sure, but it's all correct, down to the last point on the graphs. Since they'd managed to get it right this time, Tony just adds 'no casualties' to the email as he attaches his files, then sends it off.
"Morning, Tony," MJ says, patting him on the head as she goes past with a whiff of perfume. "Have a good day!"
"Thanks," Tony says, waving a paw at her, and she smiles and waves back before she, too, heads down the elevator.
Tony's email pings, and he checks the new message to see it's from Pepper, subject line 'THIS IS IMPORTANT TONY'. He sighs and opens it. The message is short and to the point - he has a board meeting at 10am, he had better not be late, threats of death and resignation. He wonders if 'I'm a kitten right now' is a decent enough excuse, and decides it's probably not.
He phones her instead.
"Tony, where are you?"
*Not physically attending the meeting,* Tony says.
"Tony-" Pepper starts, and Tony can just tell that the threats are about to begin.
*I'm going to teleconference,* Tony says really fast, and wonders how the silence on the other end of the line can be so threatening.
"You had better be in bed on the verge of death," Pepper says, but she's not saying no or killing him, so Tony counts it as a win.
*Let's just say that I cannot possibly appear in front of the board in person right now and leave it at that,* Tony says.
"Are you handcuffed to the bed again?" Pepper says suspiciously, and Tony actually yelps in surprise.
*What? No!*
"Fine," Pepper says. "I'll phone you at 9.55," and hangs up. A minute later, a new email from her arrives, with the agenda for the meeting. Tony scans it, flips it open in a new window over to the side and proceeds to ignore it for the next half hour while he goes through the rest of his email.
The elevator pings open, footsteps coming out into the living area, and Tony drags his attention away from what he's doing, glancing over to see Steve, hair mussed and towel around his neck, wandering in the direction of his room.
"Hi," Tony says.
Steve glances over. "Oh, there you are. You alright? Need anything?"
*Protection from Pepper,* Tony says, and Steve grins.
"I am not helping you play hooky to get out of a board meeting," he says.
*Come ooooooon,* Tony whines, and Steve shakes his head, still grinning.
"You had more of a chance with the big kitten eyes," he says, and wanders on out of sight.
Tony sighs, puts his head back down, and goes back to work.
***
The board meeting goes about as well as expected, which is to say Tony spends most of his time fiddling with the specs for his jetboots to see if he can upgrade their power capacity while the board debates issues he's either already thought about or doesn't really care about. In the end they come to similar conclusions, and everyone goes away happy, or at least not annoyed at him. Pepper gives the camera hookup a long look as she leaves, and Tony is suddenly very glad that he is at least fifty floors away from her.
He brings his attention back to the real world to discover that sometime during the board meeting Steve has settled beside him with a book, arm lying next to him and fingers resting lightly on his back. Every so often he absentmindedly scritches the back of Tony's head, like he doesn't realise he's doing it. Tony's purring again, soft and low, and he tells himself to get a grip. Steve is just patting him because he's a kitten, and it's what people do when confronted with kittens. It doesn't mean anything and Tony should get over himself.
He pulls up his email again, forwarding another five invitations to Pepper, and sees one new message, sender: Mary-Jane Watson-Parker. The subject line reads 'I am quite fond of my husband, please don't kill him'. Tony frowns, and opens the email.
MJ has kept it short and to the point - 'Dear Tony, I love my husband but sometimes he can be a bit silly. I would appreciate it if you didn't kill him. Love, MJ' - with a link down the bottom. The link is something hosted on icanhascheezburger.com, and Tony spends the few seconds it takes for the page to load feeling slightly confused as to why MJ would be sending him a link to a page about cat macros.
Then the page loads, and he shoots bolt upright, bristling. "I AM GOING TO KILL HIM!" Tony shrieks.
Steve starts sideways, almost dropping his book.
"Tony? What's wrong?"
*PETER IS A DEAD MAN!* Tony snarls, claws ripping holes in the armrest of the couch that he absolutely does not care about, because Peter Parker is going to be as dead as Tony can make him as soon as he can get his claws into him instead.
"Tony?" Steve says.
Tony snarls something inarticulate, tail lashing. He hopes that wherever he is, Peter's spider sense has just gone off, because Tony is going to kill him.
"Tony, talk to me," Steve says, braving danger and putting his hands on the armrest on each side of Tony's claws. "Come on."
Tony turns his head to regard Steve, eyes narrowed. *Peter turned me into a cat macro,* he says. *On the internet.*
Steve frowns. "Those are those pictures of cats with captions, right?"
*Yes,* Tony says. *And sometimes they are funny but not this time.*
"What did he do?" Steve says, and Tony takes over the TV output and broadcasts the image direct to the TV.
*See for yourself,* Tony says, carefully retracting his claws from the couch.
The picture is of Tony lying on the armrest, Peter's Spider-Man mask draped over his back. The caption reads 'CAPTN AMERKA'S KITTEH LIEKS SPIDEY MANS BETTAH'.
Steve blinks. "Do you?" he asks.
*What? No,* Tony says. *Well. No, but definitely not right now.*
"Well," Steve says, "I've seen more embarrassing photos of you."
*That's not the point!* Tony yowls. *The point is that he is supposed to be my friend, and friends don't turn you into cat macros and post you on the internet.*
"You could just take it down?" Steve asks.
Tony sighs out a long breath and sits down. *No,* he says. *If I pull it now, it'll just get more popular. The internet hates censorship.*
It's Steve's turn to sigh, now. "It's getting towards lunchtime - maybe you'll feel better after some food?"
*Coffee,* Tony says, and moans pitifully at Steve.
"No," Steve says, and picks Tony up, kind of gingerly in case his claws are still out.
Steve's right - Tony does feel less like killing Peter after eating another bowl of kitten food. Peter's still going to get his, though, and Tony has to wonder if Peter had contemplated the possibilities inherent in crossing someone with Tony's capabilities. He tracks down the Avengers communicator Peter is carrying on his person, finds the nearest cell phone signal (three inches away, it's got to be Peter's) and changes the ring tone to the most obnoxious new pop band he can find.
He's thinking about what else he can do to get his revenge (he's not so petty as to actually go and trash Peter's credit rating and wipe him off every database he can access, which is pretty much all of them, but that doesn't mean he's not going to spend a few minutes thinking about how satisfying it would be) when a call comes in. Tony remembers that he's a kitten and therefore totally screwed before he leaves the kitchen this time, and he swears at the floor and calls for the armour.
Steve sends the call out over the comms, racing down the corridor into the kitchen a moment later. "Tony? You still in here?"
Tony skitters to the side to avoid being stepped on. "Here."
"There you are." Steve crouches down. "There are three very simple rules here. One, you do what I say. Two, you do not leave your pouch. And three, do not take any risks."
Tony looks up at Steve, notes that there is a pouch hanging on Steve's hip that is a)empty, b)has no lid and c)looks about his size, and blinks. *Are you serious?* he says. *I mean, yes, okay.* He's not going to give Steve time to change his mind.
Steve scoops Tony up and settles him in the pouch. "If you could not claw people, that would be good too," he adds.
*Like you didn't want to hit him in the face,* Tony says, although it's Steve, so he quite possibly didn't. Anyway, the elevator is here now.
Steve meets the armour halfway between the kitchen and the elevator, Iron Man taking a firm hold around Steve's waist. They launch, Tony patching in to the police line that issued the call.
*This is Iron Man,* he says, cutting through the panicked chatter which quiets abruptly at the sound of his voice. *What are we dealing with?*
The only cameras in the area - the north-east end of Manhattan Island - are serious-faced newsreaders talking about the severity of the afternoon storm. Viewers should bring their washing in, batten down, and prepare to hold out.
"The Raft put the call out about the storm," a man says over the line, confident. "It passed right over them without incident, but it's heading right for upper Manhattan."
*What is?* Tony asks. *We need to know what we're facing.*
"Far as we can tell," the man says, "the storm is a giant swarm of flying cats." He pauses. "I'd call it crazy, but, well, yesterday it was giant lobsters."
*I know,* Tony says. *Believe me, that smell just does not come off. Have they reached land yet?* He's accessing satellite footage as he speaks, pulling up pictures of the area. The storm of flying cats (flying cats? that's just rude, when he doesn't have wings) is visible only as a dark mass, over the river between Ryker's and Manhattan.
"They're coming up on Randalls-Wards Island," the man says "They'll be there in a few minutes."
*So will we,* Tony says. *Iron Man out.*
He adjusts the course to head straight for the island, shrinking down in his pouch. *Close your eyes,* he says to Steve, *I'm going to go faster-*
Steve locks his free arm around the armour's back and Tony increases speed, heading as fast as he thinks Steve can handle towards the island. *Head for Randalls-Wards,* he says over the Avengers channel. *The storm is not a storm; it's a mass of flying cats, and they're heading our way. No, Luke, I'm not shitting you.*
"Shit," Luke says.
"Huh," Peter says. "Maybe they came to eat the lobsters."
"Ew," Jessica says.
"Oh come on, you weren't even there!" Peter says.
"Blame Maria Hill," Jessica says. "I would have loved to fight the giant lobsters with you."
"Liar," Peter says.
"Yeah, okay," Jessica says. "Maria Hill was the better end of the deal, but only because it meant I didn't have to wash my hair again."
Tony rolls his eyes and neatly lands him and Steve in the middle of an oval on the edge of the island. At this distance, the cats still look like storm clouds. He eyes them off - they look like they're fairly low in the sky, which is good. Given over half the Avengers can't fly, if they don't stay low there's going to be trouble.
"What's your ETA?" Steve asks, and Peter swings down from the nearest set of stadium lights.
"Hi," he says. "So, Tony, family reunion?"
Tony puts his paws on the edge of his pouch and straightens his upper body, giving Peter the nastiest look he can manage.
"Be glad we're about to get into a fight," Tony says, the armour crossing its arms threateningly. "Or you would be so dead right now."
Peter looks from Tony to the armour, and swallows. "So!" he says brightly. "Cap, what's the plan?"
Jessica drops almost silently to the ground behind Peter as a car pulls up at the edge of the oval. A distant figure leaps out and starts jogging towards them, resolving into Luke Cage as he gets closer. Steve takes a quick look around the terrain, and then another, longer look at the oncoming storm.
"Okay," he says. "Spider-Woman, Iron Man, you're in the air. Stay low; we don't want them getting out of our range. Spider-Man, web the area between the lights here, try and net them in. Luke and I will engage them on the ground."
Peter nods, swinging up the nearest light pole, and the armour takes off, Jessica not far behind.
Next to Steve, Luke cracks his neck and rotates his shoulders. "First giant lobsters, now flying cats," he mutters. "This is crazy."
*At least he's not a kitten,* Tony says to Steve, and Steve runs a gloved hand over his head.
As the cats approach, they resolve into individual shapes; they're certainly not as big as yesterday's lobsters, but they're a lot larger than average housecats - Tony thinks they would probably be about thigh-height. They've all got wings, too - big, white, feathered wings. The cats themselves have varicoloured fur, mostly darker shades.
As they come over the island wall, the lowest ranks land smoothly and start running over the grass towards them. Steve drops a little beneath him into a fighting stance, shield on his arm ready to throw.
As the first cats reach the far side of the oval, Steve takes a deep breath. "Stranger cats, you are trespassing on American soil!" he hollers at his best parade ground pitch. "Please stop!"
Tony eyes off the cats, who don't seem to have taken any notice of Steve at all. *Somehow I don't think that's going to work,* he says.
Steve shrugs. "Worth a try," he says, and then throws his shield.
In the sky, the armour puts up its gauntlets and generates a shield, the forward line of cats crashing into it, later ranks diving sharply to avoid a collision. Next to him, Jessica is trying to herd cats downwards with her venom blasts.
Steve's shield takes out the first rank of ground cats, Luke charging forward into melee, soon hard to make out through the crowd.
"How many are there?" Jessica says, and the armour shrugs.
"Maybe all the pet stores are having catnip sales," Peter says. "Wait, why didn't I think of that earlier? I could have-"
"No," Steve says, hand falling to hover protectively over Tony's pouch, and even Tony is impressed by the warning in his tone of voice. "That would be a spectacularly bad idea."
"Iron Man," Peter says a second later, chastened, "I'm going to swing off you."
*Okay,* Tony says, and then he can feel the drag as webbing hits one of the armour's shoulders, Peter's weight on the line. Peter flings himself over the armour's head a moment later, tumbling over the churning mass of cats, and drops a giant web over the top of as many of them as he can. Then gravity catches up with him, and he drops out of sight.
The cats are yowling now, and Tony thinks he's never heard a such a discordant noise in his life (and he's suffered though some pretty bad orchestral performances and string quartets in his time). They start sorting themselves out, righting lines and getting their fallen back into the air, and it isn't until he stops paying attention to the yowls that he realises they're actually speaking to each other.
When he thinks about it, when he concentrates, the yowls are just noise, empty of meaning. It's only when he stops really listening, starts thinking about something else, anything, the motion of Steve's body as he sways sideways, throwing the shield again, that he can parse the sounds as words.
If he can understand them, then maybe they can understand him.
*Steve,* Tony says, direct to him, *I need to break all of your rules.*
"No," Steve says, catching the shield.
Tony, not-listening to the yowls of pain, can hear the cats reorganising, setting up a row of cats to slow the shield the next time it's thrown, and then they will swarm the human when his defenses are down, tear him apart. Tony's not going to let that happen.
*Sorry,* he says, *I have to-* and leaps out of his pouch before Steve can stop him, landing on the ground and taking the biggest breath he can.
"STOP!" he hollers, and to his absolute surprise they do.
"Tony-" Steve says, and then pauses as everything stills. "What are you doing?" he asks, softer.
*Stop fighting,* Tony says urgently over the Avengers channel. *Just, stop for a second-*
There is a rustle among the cats, whispers of sound that Tony can't quite discern, mixed with the soft drag of shifting feathers, and then the front line parts and a pure black cat walks out, stopping a few yards from Tony. This cat is the same size as the others, but his wings are jet black, currently folded neatly by his sides. He smells familiar and strange at the same time, scent almost stripped to nothing by the wind.
"Little kitten," the cat says, "I greet you as the leader of my people, the-" and then makes a noise that Tony can't translate. He bows slightly, one leg forward, dipping his head and wings briefly towards the ground. "We are searching for our God, lost these many years. Have you seen Him?"
"Greetings," Tony says, bowing to exactly the same angle as the other cat. "I am afraid that I have not heard of your people or your God, but perhaps if you told me about him I might be able to help you locate him?"
The front rank of cats starts whispering, but a sharp look from the leader cat silences them.
"Very well," he says. "My name is-" and makes another sound that Tony's brain decides is 'Dave'. He sits primly on the grass, tucking his tail around his legs.
"My name is Stark," Tony says in return, although he's not quite sure his name comes out right, and sits as well. He doesn't like the height difference Dave has going for him, but given that he is a tiny kitten there's not much he can do about it. "What can you tell me about your God?"
"What is he doing?" Peter whispers over the communicator.
*I'm talking to them, what do you think?* Tony says.
"You speak Cat now?" Peter asks, but he stops asking stupid questions.
"Our God has no real name," Dave begins. "He was one of those chosen to pull the Lady's chariot, and so good was He at this task that she rewarded Him with immortality. The first of us were kittens He rescued from a cruel master. We will always be indebted to Him for His kindness."
Tony nods. *They're looking for their cat god,* he says to the others. *They're apparently Norse cats.*
"They're a long way from home," Steve murmurs.
"Our God is often disguised," Dave continues. "He can be as large as a horse or as small as a mouse, but He is always black."
"Does he have wings like yours?" Tony asks. Behind Dave, the front row of cats have started whispering again.
"No," Dave says. "The wings were a gift from the Lady to aid us in our search. When we return to our land we will return the gift, with thanks."
The whispers of the front row of cats start coalescing into a chant. It's very soft, but Tony thinks they're chanting 'nameless one'. His translation might be off.
Dave glances behind him to the other cats, then back at Tony, and his eyes widen. The chant gets louder, and Tony realises that they're not chanting 'nameless one', or rather, they are chanting 'nameless one', because apparently when 'Stark' gets translated into Cat, that's what it comes out as. They're chanting his name.
Tony looks down at himself, at his tiny pure black paws, and then back up at Dave.
And then the entire mass of cats genuflects in a wave, Dave the last to drop, wings spread out and down.
"Lord," Dave says. "We have found You at last. You have made Your home here - lead us forward, and we will take this island of humans for our own and live with You."
Tony rises to his feet, staring. He can't process properly. They think he's their missing God. They think-
"What's happening?" Peter whispers to Jessica, and Tony shakes himself out of his daze.
*They think I'm their God,* he says.
"They what?" Peter says, and Dave suddenly comes back to his feet and hisses angrily.
"He disrespects You!" he yowls. "Give the order, Lord! Let us conquer in Your name!"
*Steve,* Tony says, direct to him. *Steve, I need you to come and lift me. I need to be higher.*
Steve takes a step forward, and the front row of cats hisses angrily.
"Lord-" Dave says, and Tony yowls.
"Be still!" he says, and then Steve kneels behind him, setting his hands in front of Tony so Tony can delicately step on, and then raising him above his head. It's going to be hell on Steve's arms, but if he can keep it up, it's going to be perfect.
*I need everyone else to kneel,* Tony says over the main channel. *Quick, do it.*
The armour drops to its knees immediately. The other Avengers exchange glances, but Steve's there on the grass already, and they, too, drop.
Tony lifts his chin. "As you can see," he proclaims, "your conquest is not needed. These humans are already my servants."
*You know,* he says to Steve, *it would be kind of awesome being a cat God.*
"No," Steve murmurs, almost under his breath. "Because you'd have to go away with them."
*But where else am I going to get that much p-* Tony says, and Steve snorts lightly.
"If you finish that sentence," he murmurs, "I am letting them have you."
"I apologise for my presumption, Lord," Dave says, and lowers himself to the ground. "Please, command us."
Tony sighs inwardly. It would be kind of awesome to be a cat God, but it would all turn out badly when they found out he wasn't really a)a cat, and b)a God, and besides, it's not like he'd have Steve.
"I cannot come with you," Tony says. "And you cannot stay. The Lady cannot lend you wings forever."
"But my Lord!" Dave protests, lifting his head. "If You do not come with us, You will be stranded! You cannot - You have no wings as we do."
"You doubt my power?" Tony thunders as best he can, and Dave drops his head. "The Lady would not begrudge me aid in returning home, when it is time for me to leave here."
Dave lifts to his feet. "I understand," he says. "Forgive me, Lord, for my insolence. I meant no disrespect." He bows, all the way down to the ground, wings spread and flat, and behind him several hundred other cats do the same. Tony swallows, and stands as tall as he can.
"I will return," he says. "Do not worry, do not doubt. It may be many years, but your Lord will return home."
"We will await You," Dave says, standing tall. "My Lord, we will prepare the way for You, and await Your coming. May it not be long before You grace our halls once more!"
Tony inclines his head, and Dave turns to the massed cats. "We return home!" he yowls. "Prepare the formation!"
The yowls of the squadron leaders blur into one another, orders to form up in ranks, course trajectories, and then Dave bows once more. "Until we meet again!" he yowls towards Tony, and then the cats take off, rank after rank lifting into the air, Dave the last to go. The whole flock circles the island once, and then they're flying, towards and past Ryker's and back to wherever they came from.
"What did you do?" Peter asks, everyone rising from their crouches. Steve lowers his arms and turns to face the others, and Tony sits abruptly, needing the support Steve is giving him.
*I sent them home,* Tony says.
| Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 |
***
Note: For those of you interested, the background for the flying cats can be found here.
Extra:naanima made these to go along with this part of the fic! Feel free to tell her how awesome she is. :3
Title: Momentary Paws (or, DO NOT WANT) 4/5
Author:
velithyaRating: R
Pairing: Steve/Tony (preslash)
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Marvel. I'm just playing in their sandbox.
Summary: WTF KITTEN
Word Count: 16,831 total, 5089 this section
Previously: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3
Part 4
Tony wakes before Steve again the next morning, but sure in the knowledge that Steve doesn't mind him there - invited him, even - Tony doesn't bother moving, Steve warm and solid beneath him. He tunes into the morning news channel (dark clouds to the east herald a storm, Spears in rehab again, Captain America's cat still a mystery) and opens his email (16 spam mail, obviously he'll need to tighten the code in his spam filter again, and 27 new messages). He smirks inwardly as he forwards twenty of them to Pepper - she can have fun dealing with those, subject lines about invitations and conferences - and opens the latest specs forwarded from the R&D department.
He's running equations to check their math (he thinks they've missed a variable, and he's looking forward to sending it back to them with the errors circled in red) when Steve's breathing changes, ever so slight hitch as he comes to consciousness. It's very smooth, really, and Tony probably wouldn't have noticed if he hadn't been curled up on Steve's chest.
Steve yawns, shifting slightly under Tony, not really enough to disturb him, and then a gentle hand comes down on his back, fingers soothing through his fur from neck to tail. Tony registers that he's purring a few seconds after he actually starts doing it, and stops abruptly.
"Morning," Steve says, voice still husky from sleep. "S'okay."
"Morning," Tony says, because a meow right now will probably not sound quite so embarrassed.
"What time is it?" Steve asks, yawning again. His fingers are still working their way along Tony's back in gentle strokes, and Tony lets himself relax into it, purring very, very quietly.
*Seven oh three,* Tony says as the equations finish. The R&D guys have missed a variable, and Tony attaches his copy of the math to the email with a slightly bitchy note about avoiding killing lots of people and fires it back at them.
"Time for the gym," Steve says, stretching out his other hand. Tony can feel the muscles in his chest flex under him.
*Time for coffee,* Tony says.
"Coffee is bad for kittens," Steve says.
"Steeeeeeeve," Tony whines, opening his eyes and doing his best to look pitiful.
Steve freezes for a second, then shakes his head. "I've told you before," he says, "your kitten eyes won't work on me."
Tony sighs and uncurls from his ball, starting to stretch and then stopping at the last second when he realises that he's still standing on Steve and Steve probably won't appreciate claws in his skin. He pads off Steve and jumps onto his chair, stretching there instead.
Steve sits up, swinging his legs over the edge and standing up. He stretches with both arms, up above his head, shirt riding up above the waistband of his shorts, and then rolls down, touching his toes. Something cracks, and Steve hums out a breath.
"That's disturbing," Tony mutters, and Steve straightens.
"You want some food before I head down?" he asks, going into the bathroom and closing the door.
*Yeah,* Tony says. *I'm kind of hungry a lot.*
"I'm not going to complain," Steve says. He comes out a minute later in workout gear, tossing his sleeping clothes onto the bed. "Okay, to the kitchen."
Tony's going to jump down and get there himself, but Steve scoops him up before he can take more than a step, settling him on his shoulder as he starts walking. Tony shrugs mentally and makes himself comfortable.
Once Steve's set Tony up with his breakfast he grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and wanders down the hall to the elevator. Tony hears him go with half an ear, attention on his food. It's kind of weird how he's eating the same thing for what, three days now, and it's still just as tasty as when he first ate it. It must be some sort of strange kitten thing.
Bowl licked clean, Tony jumps down off the table and pads out into the living room. The morning sun through the windows is casting a large patch of light across the couches, and Tony hops up onto an armrest and curls up in the warmth, accessing his email again. There had been another set of specs for a different project further down, whose math he'd pulled to pieces three days ago. Hopefully they'd come up with something better by now.
He hears MJ and Peter come down the hall and into the kitchen some time later, clatter of bowls and spoons. The math is far more complicated on this project, Tony running four intertwining calculations and two graphs simultaneously. So far, the numbers check out, but Tony's reserving judgment until the end.
More clattering signals an end to breakfast, and footsteps wander past twice before Peter notices him.
"Oh, Tony," he says, "hi."
Tony looks up, notes that Peter is not wearing his communicator, and settles his head back on his paws. "Morning."
Peter glances around, then wanders out of Tony's field of vision for a second. "Hey, can you hold this?" Something Peter-smelling drapes gently over the back of his head. "That's great, just like that-"
A rush of air means Peter has done some sort of flip, and a camera flash goes off. Peter lands in front of Tony, smiling and also looking kind of nervous, like maybe he's worried Tony will claw him in the face, and stands up, snatching up whatever he'd put down. "Okay, well, off to work! See you later-"
"Peter-" Tony calls, but Peter can move really quite fast when he wants to, and he's already at the elevator, doors closing between them.
Tony glowers at the floor for a good minute or so, and then the math behind his eyes completes without a hitch, numbers spooling out perfectly. Tony cross checks them just to be sure, but it's all correct, down to the last point on the graphs. Since they'd managed to get it right this time, Tony just adds 'no casualties' to the email as he attaches his files, then sends it off.
"Morning, Tony," MJ says, patting him on the head as she goes past with a whiff of perfume. "Have a good day!"
"Thanks," Tony says, waving a paw at her, and she smiles and waves back before she, too, heads down the elevator.
Tony's email pings, and he checks the new message to see it's from Pepper, subject line 'THIS IS IMPORTANT TONY'. He sighs and opens it. The message is short and to the point - he has a board meeting at 10am, he had better not be late, threats of death and resignation. He wonders if 'I'm a kitten right now' is a decent enough excuse, and decides it's probably not.
He phones her instead.
"Tony, where are you?"
*Not physically attending the meeting,* Tony says.
"Tony-" Pepper starts, and Tony can just tell that the threats are about to begin.
*I'm going to teleconference,* Tony says really fast, and wonders how the silence on the other end of the line can be so threatening.
"You had better be in bed on the verge of death," Pepper says, but she's not saying no or killing him, so Tony counts it as a win.
*Let's just say that I cannot possibly appear in front of the board in person right now and leave it at that,* Tony says.
"Are you handcuffed to the bed again?" Pepper says suspiciously, and Tony actually yelps in surprise.
*What? No!*
"Fine," Pepper says. "I'll phone you at 9.55," and hangs up. A minute later, a new email from her arrives, with the agenda for the meeting. Tony scans it, flips it open in a new window over to the side and proceeds to ignore it for the next half hour while he goes through the rest of his email.
The elevator pings open, footsteps coming out into the living area, and Tony drags his attention away from what he's doing, glancing over to see Steve, hair mussed and towel around his neck, wandering in the direction of his room.
"Hi," Tony says.
Steve glances over. "Oh, there you are. You alright? Need anything?"
*Protection from Pepper,* Tony says, and Steve grins.
"I am not helping you play hooky to get out of a board meeting," he says.
*Come ooooooon,* Tony whines, and Steve shakes his head, still grinning.
"You had more of a chance with the big kitten eyes," he says, and wanders on out of sight.
Tony sighs, puts his head back down, and goes back to work.
***
The board meeting goes about as well as expected, which is to say Tony spends most of his time fiddling with the specs for his jetboots to see if he can upgrade their power capacity while the board debates issues he's either already thought about or doesn't really care about. In the end they come to similar conclusions, and everyone goes away happy, or at least not annoyed at him. Pepper gives the camera hookup a long look as she leaves, and Tony is suddenly very glad that he is at least fifty floors away from her.
He brings his attention back to the real world to discover that sometime during the board meeting Steve has settled beside him with a book, arm lying next to him and fingers resting lightly on his back. Every so often he absentmindedly scritches the back of Tony's head, like he doesn't realise he's doing it. Tony's purring again, soft and low, and he tells himself to get a grip. Steve is just patting him because he's a kitten, and it's what people do when confronted with kittens. It doesn't mean anything and Tony should get over himself.
He pulls up his email again, forwarding another five invitations to Pepper, and sees one new message, sender: Mary-Jane Watson-Parker. The subject line reads 'I am quite fond of my husband, please don't kill him'. Tony frowns, and opens the email.
MJ has kept it short and to the point - 'Dear Tony, I love my husband but sometimes he can be a bit silly. I would appreciate it if you didn't kill him. Love, MJ' - with a link down the bottom. The link is something hosted on icanhascheezburger.com, and Tony spends the few seconds it takes for the page to load feeling slightly confused as to why MJ would be sending him a link to a page about cat macros.
Then the page loads, and he shoots bolt upright, bristling. "I AM GOING TO KILL HIM!" Tony shrieks.
Steve starts sideways, almost dropping his book.
"Tony? What's wrong?"
*PETER IS A DEAD MAN!* Tony snarls, claws ripping holes in the armrest of the couch that he absolutely does not care about, because Peter Parker is going to be as dead as Tony can make him as soon as he can get his claws into him instead.
"Tony?" Steve says.
Tony snarls something inarticulate, tail lashing. He hopes that wherever he is, Peter's spider sense has just gone off, because Tony is going to kill him.
"Tony, talk to me," Steve says, braving danger and putting his hands on the armrest on each side of Tony's claws. "Come on."
Tony turns his head to regard Steve, eyes narrowed. *Peter turned me into a cat macro,* he says. *On the internet.*
Steve frowns. "Those are those pictures of cats with captions, right?"
*Yes,* Tony says. *And sometimes they are funny but not this time.*
"What did he do?" Steve says, and Tony takes over the TV output and broadcasts the image direct to the TV.
*See for yourself,* Tony says, carefully retracting his claws from the couch.
The picture is of Tony lying on the armrest, Peter's Spider-Man mask draped over his back. The caption reads 'CAPTN AMERKA'S KITTEH LIEKS SPIDEY MANS BETTAH'.
Steve blinks. "Do you?" he asks.
*What? No,* Tony says. *Well. No, but definitely not right now.*
"Well," Steve says, "I've seen more embarrassing photos of you."
*That's not the point!* Tony yowls. *The point is that he is supposed to be my friend, and friends don't turn you into cat macros and post you on the internet.*
"You could just take it down?" Steve asks.
Tony sighs out a long breath and sits down. *No,* he says. *If I pull it now, it'll just get more popular. The internet hates censorship.*
It's Steve's turn to sigh, now. "It's getting towards lunchtime - maybe you'll feel better after some food?"
*Coffee,* Tony says, and moans pitifully at Steve.
"No," Steve says, and picks Tony up, kind of gingerly in case his claws are still out.
Steve's right - Tony does feel less like killing Peter after eating another bowl of kitten food. Peter's still going to get his, though, and Tony has to wonder if Peter had contemplated the possibilities inherent in crossing someone with Tony's capabilities. He tracks down the Avengers communicator Peter is carrying on his person, finds the nearest cell phone signal (three inches away, it's got to be Peter's) and changes the ring tone to the most obnoxious new pop band he can find.
He's thinking about what else he can do to get his revenge (he's not so petty as to actually go and trash Peter's credit rating and wipe him off every database he can access, which is pretty much all of them, but that doesn't mean he's not going to spend a few minutes thinking about how satisfying it would be) when a call comes in. Tony remembers that he's a kitten and therefore totally screwed before he leaves the kitchen this time, and he swears at the floor and calls for the armour.
Steve sends the call out over the comms, racing down the corridor into the kitchen a moment later. "Tony? You still in here?"
Tony skitters to the side to avoid being stepped on. "Here."
"There you are." Steve crouches down. "There are three very simple rules here. One, you do what I say. Two, you do not leave your pouch. And three, do not take any risks."
Tony looks up at Steve, notes that there is a pouch hanging on Steve's hip that is a)empty, b)has no lid and c)looks about his size, and blinks. *Are you serious?* he says. *I mean, yes, okay.* He's not going to give Steve time to change his mind.
Steve scoops Tony up and settles him in the pouch. "If you could not claw people, that would be good too," he adds.
*Like you didn't want to hit him in the face,* Tony says, although it's Steve, so he quite possibly didn't. Anyway, the elevator is here now.
Steve meets the armour halfway between the kitchen and the elevator, Iron Man taking a firm hold around Steve's waist. They launch, Tony patching in to the police line that issued the call.
*This is Iron Man,* he says, cutting through the panicked chatter which quiets abruptly at the sound of his voice. *What are we dealing with?*
The only cameras in the area - the north-east end of Manhattan Island - are serious-faced newsreaders talking about the severity of the afternoon storm. Viewers should bring their washing in, batten down, and prepare to hold out.
"The Raft put the call out about the storm," a man says over the line, confident. "It passed right over them without incident, but it's heading right for upper Manhattan."
*What is?* Tony asks. *We need to know what we're facing.*
"Far as we can tell," the man says, "the storm is a giant swarm of flying cats." He pauses. "I'd call it crazy, but, well, yesterday it was giant lobsters."
*I know,* Tony says. *Believe me, that smell just does not come off. Have they reached land yet?* He's accessing satellite footage as he speaks, pulling up pictures of the area. The storm of flying cats (flying cats? that's just rude, when he doesn't have wings) is visible only as a dark mass, over the river between Ryker's and Manhattan.
"They're coming up on Randalls-Wards Island," the man says "They'll be there in a few minutes."
*So will we,* Tony says. *Iron Man out.*
He adjusts the course to head straight for the island, shrinking down in his pouch. *Close your eyes,* he says to Steve, *I'm going to go faster-*
Steve locks his free arm around the armour's back and Tony increases speed, heading as fast as he thinks Steve can handle towards the island. *Head for Randalls-Wards,* he says over the Avengers channel. *The storm is not a storm; it's a mass of flying cats, and they're heading our way. No, Luke, I'm not shitting you.*
"Shit," Luke says.
"Huh," Peter says. "Maybe they came to eat the lobsters."
"Ew," Jessica says.
"Oh come on, you weren't even there!" Peter says.
"Blame Maria Hill," Jessica says. "I would have loved to fight the giant lobsters with you."
"Liar," Peter says.
"Yeah, okay," Jessica says. "Maria Hill was the better end of the deal, but only because it meant I didn't have to wash my hair again."
Tony rolls his eyes and neatly lands him and Steve in the middle of an oval on the edge of the island. At this distance, the cats still look like storm clouds. He eyes them off - they look like they're fairly low in the sky, which is good. Given over half the Avengers can't fly, if they don't stay low there's going to be trouble.
"What's your ETA?" Steve asks, and Peter swings down from the nearest set of stadium lights.
"Hi," he says. "So, Tony, family reunion?"
Tony puts his paws on the edge of his pouch and straightens his upper body, giving Peter the nastiest look he can manage.
"Be glad we're about to get into a fight," Tony says, the armour crossing its arms threateningly. "Or you would be so dead right now."
Peter looks from Tony to the armour, and swallows. "So!" he says brightly. "Cap, what's the plan?"
Jessica drops almost silently to the ground behind Peter as a car pulls up at the edge of the oval. A distant figure leaps out and starts jogging towards them, resolving into Luke Cage as he gets closer. Steve takes a quick look around the terrain, and then another, longer look at the oncoming storm.
"Okay," he says. "Spider-Woman, Iron Man, you're in the air. Stay low; we don't want them getting out of our range. Spider-Man, web the area between the lights here, try and net them in. Luke and I will engage them on the ground."
Peter nods, swinging up the nearest light pole, and the armour takes off, Jessica not far behind.
Next to Steve, Luke cracks his neck and rotates his shoulders. "First giant lobsters, now flying cats," he mutters. "This is crazy."
*At least he's not a kitten,* Tony says to Steve, and Steve runs a gloved hand over his head.
As the cats approach, they resolve into individual shapes; they're certainly not as big as yesterday's lobsters, but they're a lot larger than average housecats - Tony thinks they would probably be about thigh-height. They've all got wings, too - big, white, feathered wings. The cats themselves have varicoloured fur, mostly darker shades.
As they come over the island wall, the lowest ranks land smoothly and start running over the grass towards them. Steve drops a little beneath him into a fighting stance, shield on his arm ready to throw.
As the first cats reach the far side of the oval, Steve takes a deep breath. "Stranger cats, you are trespassing on American soil!" he hollers at his best parade ground pitch. "Please stop!"
Tony eyes off the cats, who don't seem to have taken any notice of Steve at all. *Somehow I don't think that's going to work,* he says.
Steve shrugs. "Worth a try," he says, and then throws his shield.
In the sky, the armour puts up its gauntlets and generates a shield, the forward line of cats crashing into it, later ranks diving sharply to avoid a collision. Next to him, Jessica is trying to herd cats downwards with her venom blasts.
Steve's shield takes out the first rank of ground cats, Luke charging forward into melee, soon hard to make out through the crowd.
"How many are there?" Jessica says, and the armour shrugs.
"Maybe all the pet stores are having catnip sales," Peter says. "Wait, why didn't I think of that earlier? I could have-"
"No," Steve says, hand falling to hover protectively over Tony's pouch, and even Tony is impressed by the warning in his tone of voice. "That would be a spectacularly bad idea."
"Iron Man," Peter says a second later, chastened, "I'm going to swing off you."
*Okay,* Tony says, and then he can feel the drag as webbing hits one of the armour's shoulders, Peter's weight on the line. Peter flings himself over the armour's head a moment later, tumbling over the churning mass of cats, and drops a giant web over the top of as many of them as he can. Then gravity catches up with him, and he drops out of sight.
The cats are yowling now, and Tony thinks he's never heard a such a discordant noise in his life (and he's suffered though some pretty bad orchestral performances and string quartets in his time). They start sorting themselves out, righting lines and getting their fallen back into the air, and it isn't until he stops paying attention to the yowls that he realises they're actually speaking to each other.
When he thinks about it, when he concentrates, the yowls are just noise, empty of meaning. It's only when he stops really listening, starts thinking about something else, anything, the motion of Steve's body as he sways sideways, throwing the shield again, that he can parse the sounds as words.
If he can understand them, then maybe they can understand him.
*Steve,* Tony says, direct to him, *I need to break all of your rules.*
"No," Steve says, catching the shield.
Tony, not-listening to the yowls of pain, can hear the cats reorganising, setting up a row of cats to slow the shield the next time it's thrown, and then they will swarm the human when his defenses are down, tear him apart. Tony's not going to let that happen.
*Sorry,* he says, *I have to-* and leaps out of his pouch before Steve can stop him, landing on the ground and taking the biggest breath he can.
"STOP!" he hollers, and to his absolute surprise they do.
"Tony-" Steve says, and then pauses as everything stills. "What are you doing?" he asks, softer.
*Stop fighting,* Tony says urgently over the Avengers channel. *Just, stop for a second-*
There is a rustle among the cats, whispers of sound that Tony can't quite discern, mixed with the soft drag of shifting feathers, and then the front line parts and a pure black cat walks out, stopping a few yards from Tony. This cat is the same size as the others, but his wings are jet black, currently folded neatly by his sides. He smells familiar and strange at the same time, scent almost stripped to nothing by the wind.
"Little kitten," the cat says, "I greet you as the leader of my people, the-" and then makes a noise that Tony can't translate. He bows slightly, one leg forward, dipping his head and wings briefly towards the ground. "We are searching for our God, lost these many years. Have you seen Him?"
"Greetings," Tony says, bowing to exactly the same angle as the other cat. "I am afraid that I have not heard of your people or your God, but perhaps if you told me about him I might be able to help you locate him?"
The front rank of cats starts whispering, but a sharp look from the leader cat silences them.
"Very well," he says. "My name is-" and makes another sound that Tony's brain decides is 'Dave'. He sits primly on the grass, tucking his tail around his legs.
"My name is Stark," Tony says in return, although he's not quite sure his name comes out right, and sits as well. He doesn't like the height difference Dave has going for him, but given that he is a tiny kitten there's not much he can do about it. "What can you tell me about your God?"
"What is he doing?" Peter whispers over the communicator.
*I'm talking to them, what do you think?* Tony says.
"You speak Cat now?" Peter asks, but he stops asking stupid questions.
"Our God has no real name," Dave begins. "He was one of those chosen to pull the Lady's chariot, and so good was He at this task that she rewarded Him with immortality. The first of us were kittens He rescued from a cruel master. We will always be indebted to Him for His kindness."
Tony nods. *They're looking for their cat god,* he says to the others. *They're apparently Norse cats.*
"They're a long way from home," Steve murmurs.
"Our God is often disguised," Dave continues. "He can be as large as a horse or as small as a mouse, but He is always black."
"Does he have wings like yours?" Tony asks. Behind Dave, the front row of cats have started whispering again.
"No," Dave says. "The wings were a gift from the Lady to aid us in our search. When we return to our land we will return the gift, with thanks."
The whispers of the front row of cats start coalescing into a chant. It's very soft, but Tony thinks they're chanting 'nameless one'. His translation might be off.
Dave glances behind him to the other cats, then back at Tony, and his eyes widen. The chant gets louder, and Tony realises that they're not chanting 'nameless one', or rather, they are chanting 'nameless one', because apparently when 'Stark' gets translated into Cat, that's what it comes out as. They're chanting his name.
Tony looks down at himself, at his tiny pure black paws, and then back up at Dave.
And then the entire mass of cats genuflects in a wave, Dave the last to drop, wings spread out and down.
"Lord," Dave says. "We have found You at last. You have made Your home here - lead us forward, and we will take this island of humans for our own and live with You."
Tony rises to his feet, staring. He can't process properly. They think he's their missing God. They think-
"What's happening?" Peter whispers to Jessica, and Tony shakes himself out of his daze.
*They think I'm their God,* he says.
"They what?" Peter says, and Dave suddenly comes back to his feet and hisses angrily.
"He disrespects You!" he yowls. "Give the order, Lord! Let us conquer in Your name!"
*Steve,* Tony says, direct to him. *Steve, I need you to come and lift me. I need to be higher.*
Steve takes a step forward, and the front row of cats hisses angrily.
"Lord-" Dave says, and Tony yowls.
"Be still!" he says, and then Steve kneels behind him, setting his hands in front of Tony so Tony can delicately step on, and then raising him above his head. It's going to be hell on Steve's arms, but if he can keep it up, it's going to be perfect.
*I need everyone else to kneel,* Tony says over the main channel. *Quick, do it.*
The armour drops to its knees immediately. The other Avengers exchange glances, but Steve's there on the grass already, and they, too, drop.
Tony lifts his chin. "As you can see," he proclaims, "your conquest is not needed. These humans are already my servants."
*You know,* he says to Steve, *it would be kind of awesome being a cat God.*
"No," Steve murmurs, almost under his breath. "Because you'd have to go away with them."
*But where else am I going to get that much p-* Tony says, and Steve snorts lightly.
"If you finish that sentence," he murmurs, "I am letting them have you."
"I apologise for my presumption, Lord," Dave says, and lowers himself to the ground. "Please, command us."
Tony sighs inwardly. It would be kind of awesome to be a cat God, but it would all turn out badly when they found out he wasn't really a)a cat, and b)a God, and besides, it's not like he'd have Steve.
"I cannot come with you," Tony says. "And you cannot stay. The Lady cannot lend you wings forever."
"But my Lord!" Dave protests, lifting his head. "If You do not come with us, You will be stranded! You cannot - You have no wings as we do."
"You doubt my power?" Tony thunders as best he can, and Dave drops his head. "The Lady would not begrudge me aid in returning home, when it is time for me to leave here."
Dave lifts to his feet. "I understand," he says. "Forgive me, Lord, for my insolence. I meant no disrespect." He bows, all the way down to the ground, wings spread and flat, and behind him several hundred other cats do the same. Tony swallows, and stands as tall as he can.
"I will return," he says. "Do not worry, do not doubt. It may be many years, but your Lord will return home."
"We will await You," Dave says, standing tall. "My Lord, we will prepare the way for You, and await Your coming. May it not be long before You grace our halls once more!"
Tony inclines his head, and Dave turns to the massed cats. "We return home!" he yowls. "Prepare the formation!"
The yowls of the squadron leaders blur into one another, orders to form up in ranks, course trajectories, and then Dave bows once more. "Until we meet again!" he yowls towards Tony, and then the cats take off, rank after rank lifting into the air, Dave the last to go. The whole flock circles the island once, and then they're flying, towards and past Ryker's and back to wherever they came from.
"What did you do?" Peter asks, everyone rising from their crouches. Steve lowers his arms and turns to face the others, and Tony sits abruptly, needing the support Steve is giving him.
*I sent them home,* Tony says.
***
Note: For those of you interested, the background for the flying cats can be found here.
Extra:
naanima made these to go along with this part of the fic! Feel free to tell her how awesome she is. :3
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Every instance of Tony purring made me to scritch him myself. SO. ADORABLE! %hearts;
"Are you handcuffed to the bed again?"
That happens to him a lot. Pepper actually carries around a mini hacksaw in her bag at all times just in case.
*Peter turned me into a cat macro,* he says. *On the internet.*
Oh GOD. XDD The indignity! Peter you sully, silly tool. Tony's going to make you hurt for that I'm sure.
"You doubt my power?" Tony thunders as best he can, and Dave drops his head.
All shall tremble in fear of the Almighty Stark, God of all Kittenz! (And his human man-slave Steve :D)
I love this, but you should totally know that by now :3
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Pepper's bag is a scary, scary place. *grin* Either that or she has some sort of handcuff master-key ;P
If Tony wasn't the kitten in question he would probably think it was funny too :D
Tony's just annoyed he doesn't have wings like the other cats. (and now I have rudolf the red-nosed reindeer in my head, what :psy:) Ahaha, man-slave Steve. Man, Tony wishes. :D
♥
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"Ray, when someone asks you if you're a god, you say 'YES!'" (Ghostbusters)
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Which is to say, this story's adorable and I love it.
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I'm glad you're enjoying it!
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I snorted my tea when I read this. ^_^ This story gets better and better.!
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♥
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This story is fantastic from Peter making the kitty macro to Tony being a cat god and coffee is bad for kittens <3
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♥ thank you!
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♥
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Okay, yes please!
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Peter will regret this. A lot.
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Everyone needs more kittens!
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THIS IS THE BESTEST CRACK, EVER!
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(pst, part 5 is up too ;P)
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*Let's just say that I cannot possibly appear in front of the board in person right now and leave it at that,* Tony says.
"Are you handcuffed to the bed again?" Pepper says suspiciously,
*glee* I love how that's the first thing that jumps to Pepper's mind. I can just imagine the embarrassed fall-out that one time Tony had to call Happy or Rhodey to come in and uncuff him after some girl (or guy) left him like that and Pepper ended up coming instead.
The link is something hosted on icanhascheezburger.com
And this was when I literally shrieked out-loud (something like "Oh my God, Peter took a picture of Tony and put it on icanhascheezburger.com! That's the best thing ever!).
*That's not the point!* Tony yowls. *The point is that he is supposed to be my friend, and friends don't turn you into cat macros and post you on the internet.*
*dies* And I love Tony's vengeance via cell phone ring tone.
And OMG, Steve has a belt pouch just for Tony! That is officially the cutest thing ever.
Also, I don't think I mentioned the first time it showed up, but I love "Iron Man" (the armor) speaking in red text. Also, Peter asking permission to swing off the armor, and Steve telling the cats that they're trespassing on American soil.
And Tony being able to talk to the flying cats is brilliant (as is the cats deciding he's their god).
"Give the order, Lord! Let us conquer in Your name!"
The mental image of an army of flying cats conquering in Kitten!Tony's name is the best thing ever.
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And to think the lolcat was a late addition to the planning notes! :D
That morning in the gym he was practicing tumbling and falling until he was satisfied that he could do so, even instinctually, without squashing Tony. But he's Steve, so he totally could. :D
I almost made it speak in red and capitals, but then I realised that everyone speaks in capitals in comic books! wups.
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Spidey turned Tony in a cat macro! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! He so would, too! *snerks*
And Tony as cat god. :-D :-D
But despite the awesomeness of those lines, my favorite is this one:
*Steve,* Tony says, direct to him, *I need to break all of your rules.*
Because it made me *facepalm* and go "oh, Tony", even though I knew it was coming the moment Steve mentioned rules. *grins*
So much love for this story! And I will leave feedback on the last chapter, too. Eventually. :-)
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are you handcuffed to the bed again? -- oh... i lol'd :D
Kitty god --- ^_____^;; nice
re: Momentary Paws 4
I LOL'D at that, because that is soooo true. Steve was already talking to the cat before he realise the cat is Tony.
Dogs have to crawl at the door everytime they want to go, but cats get their own damn box. Cats don't /beg/ for attention, they jump on your laps and stay or go as they please.
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