[Fanfic, R] Captain America: Operation WOC

[the-oke.livejournal.com]

Title: Captain America: Operation WOC (War On Coffee)

Characters: Steve, Tony, the Coffee Maker

Rating: PG-13

Warning: Steve is being childish to the verge of Ooc ;)

Summary: Steve is waging a war on the coffee machine

AN: For saphirerose1986 , for her adorable Coffee!Chibis



Happy new year to everybody! Have a great time!

Captain America: Operation WOC (War On Coffee)

On the night of December the 10th I realized, one of us had to go – things had gotten out of hand lately, and peaceful coexistence was possible no more.

When I moved in, I thought it was only a cute habit of Tony, and maybe found his coffee cravings cute; that was before I realized how much he loved that digusting brown soup and the guy providing him with it – the dreadful COFFEE MAKER!

That night, Tony and I had gone to bed early, and we had fallen asleep almost right away, being tired to the bone from fighting off yet another alien invasion. Somewhere round midnight though, I woke up and turned towards Tony, wrapping my arm round his waist and burying my face in his soft hair, placing a kiss on his neck; my lover sighed softly, not waking up as I spooned against him, mumbling something in his sleep, a smiling on his lips; I froze in place at what my super hearing picked up!

“Hm.... Coffee...”

Tony NEVER whispered my name in his sleep; this was outrageous! Coffee, the way he said it made my blood boil and freeze in turns – so soft, so loving! Yes, loving!

I didn't blame Tony at all though for cheating on me like this, I knew the sly ways of the CM to seduce him and break his will, make him leave our bed and follow his siren-like voice into the kitchen, the smell intoxicating him, making him fall again and again for him – and in comparison, the grumpy nod he gave me!

It was as true as it was awful.

Tony's heart was not big enough for two men.

One of us had to leave this house – me, or the coffee maker. There was no other alternative.

I had to be careful plotting the CM's fall though, for he had bewitched my Tony and would not hesitate one second to use him against me.So I had to be patient, smart and then as swift as an arrow when the time for action came. But first of all, I had to break up the Tony-CM relationship.

I began with filling dishwater into the water tank and letting it cycling a few times while Tony was working in his lab; the resulting coffee-muck was bad enough to have Tony gag on it the next morning, but the final result was a heavy setback – my love just threw the old CM out and bought a new one! A two and a half feet tall mother of all CM's monster thing, which could make three types of coffee and even espresso! Well, a merciless, but worthy adversary I'd say...

Tony was spending more and more time with his new 'sweetness'; god, he even gave her a name, calling her Heidi – ha, the CM probably thought he could fool me with that, but I knew he was still a guy underneath that red painting and slender chrome handles - so I did my best to lull both of them into a sense of false security.

I even went as far as drinking several cups of coffee, despite hating it and caffeine having no effect on me, and pretending it tasted great. Yuk. I haven't been sick, or vomited in ages - but this foul tasting, disgusting stuff almost made me. The CM must have brainwashed my little gourmet to fall for this stuff! What a evil spirited creature!

I waited several days before starting Operation Black Gold, bearing it with the patience of a saint to taste HIM on Tony's lips each time we kissed. Finally Tony left the house for a meeting, giving me the time I needed to carry out OBG. I used cotton gloves as to not leave any finger prints on the sleeping CM as I opened the coffee bean tank and took out about half of the black beans; then I put them into a bowl and salted them, adding water until they the bowl was full. I let them soak for one hour, then I sieved them and put them in the oven to dry, and put them back into the tank, mixing them with the remaining beans, making sure to leave no traces behind.

Then I opened the back of it and cut some wires, carefully minding to have it look like a normal short circuit. Cackling I went back to the gym room, working out until Tony came home and already celebrating my victory in my head.

But all my trouble had been in vain, for it was a hollow victory; Tony was of course furious at

#hv having the CM produce muck again and blow itself up, but instead of kicking him out and coming back to me, he took it down to the lab to repair it – I swear the goddamn thing was grinning at me as Tony unhooked it to carry it downstairs!

Whilst recovering, the CM had probably told Tony tales about me, for when it finally returned (I barely saw my Tony those days, the malicious machine kept him in the lab to have him all to himself – god, I think they even share the cot!), it had locks on his water and bean tanks, and a timer controlled force field. Things weren't getting any easier, but I swore to myself to avenge Tony and get the coffee Nazi out of our house, at any cost.

Next I tried to break the CM; I had planned to get Tony to chase me through the house by making fun of him ( only playfully, of course) so I could knock the CM on the floor and 'accidentally' kill it. I slept alone that night, Tony locking himself in the lab and pouting, thinking I had insulted him deliberately, having gotten the complete wrong idea. The next morning we talked and made up – but only after he had his coffee, which almost broke my heart. Was there really no chance for me and Tony without the CM?

Throwing the Shield through the kitchen window to kill the CM for once and all was certainly dishonorable behavior, but I was getting more and more desperate – I felt like I was losing Tony! Between the CM, his duty as an Avengers and Head of Stark, there was almost no time left for me; our love life had sunken to a point where I had to bring him a cup of coffee to the bed to have him make love with me, or use a coffee flavored shower gel. Hard times, but with my rival gone, no more!

I gave myself thirty seconds of unadulterated, blissful happiness at having gained the victory before racing indoors and yell,

“Oh my god Tony! Are you okay? Tony, where are you? My shield just slipped and-”

I feel silent on seeing him kneel in front of the wreckage of what had once been a 3000 $ coffee maker, staring at it gobsmacked.

“I'm okay... The coffee maker... not so much.”

I pulled my shield out of the split fridge door, wiping it clean with a towel, unable to look at his horrified face, my consciousness gnawing at me.

“Uhm I'm sorry... But good it was only the Coffee maker, hm? I'll get going right away and get a new fridge and window glass, okay?”

No word about getting a new coffee maker, and no word from Tony about it - he nodded, as if in trance, picking up the broken pieces of the CM, sighing deeply.

“And I just had fixed it... Life's not fair.”

This wasn't at all like I had imagined it – no hurrays, no parade, no happy faces, no medals, not even a kiss...

I turned the shield in my big hands, feeling bad; I thought once I defeated the coffee Nazi, Tony's heart would belong to me alone again...

But as I saw him kneel there, grieving, disappointed, I realized he must have known this was everything but not an accident – he must have known that I deliberately destroyed his coffee maker, because I hate him loving coffee this much.

And I realized what a failure I am, as a hero, as a lover, as a man. Only thinking of myself, ruining my love's happiness...

“Tony?”

He looked up, his blue eyes bright with pain, the shards in his hands pointing accusingly towards me; I'm afraid I'll never see his beautiful smile again, that he'll hate me forever....

And I know I can stand everything, be it Tony have one or two or ten other men beside me – as long as he's smiling, as long he's happy, as long as he doesn't hate me.

I clear my throat, and steady myself, saying what I have to say.

“Uhm... How about we both go and buy a new coffee machine? I've heard of a shop where they sell one that can make Iced coffee.”

“Really?”

I feel only a tiny pang in my heart on seeing his eyes light up like a Christmas tree at my words, and almost none as he happily runs to fetch his jacket and keys so we can drive into town; I admit defeat to the CM, but I know I'm outclassing him ten times as a lover, for I choose Tony's heart of my own petty ego.

HA! You lose, Coffee Maker! Big time!

Comments

[saphirerose1986.livejournal.com]

Ohhh! The first time something has be written for me. Yayyy!

This is hilarious and you're not helping the images in my head. This matched up pretty closely. 1. Tony in mourning and Steve looking guilty. Number 2 is also Steve buying Tony a new coffee pot but that's where it differed. I had him buy him a Captain America novelty coffeepot so every time Tony thought of coffee or went to get coffee he had to think of him. He went with policy if you can't beat 'em join 'em.

Also the whole part about Steve hating coffee is pretty amusing since I detest the stuff myself. I always jokingly tell people not to worry their beloved coffee is safe from me.

[the-oke.livejournal.com]

XD At first I wanted this to end with Tony being cured from coffee, and getting addicted to chocolate instead - but I figured this would be too cruel for poor Steve, for if it's hard to get people away from coffee, it's impossible to wean them from chocolate =)
Glad you liked it! =^.^=
Goes to eat some coffee flavoured swiss chocolate :D

[clair3.livejournal.com]

lmaoz Coffee nazi!!!!!!! brilliant!